


You Could Be Happy

by thebluefeather



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Character Death, Magical Violence, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Memories, Minor Character Death, Post First Wizarding War, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, first wizarding war, life is hard especially for these fools, minor torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-02-19 10:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 56,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2385782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebluefeather/pseuds/thebluefeather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marlene survives the attack on her family only to wake up in a muggle hospital weeks later without her memory. {"I've spent twelve years punishing myself for loving you!"}</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All recognizable material come from JK Rowling's Harry Potter series and its associated works. The individual plot of this story and any original characters belong to me. No profit is being made from this work and no copyright infringement is intended.

_February 6, 1980_

 

In a sterile room bathed in the cold light of a February morning, a young woman opened her eyes. The light burned, so she snapped them shut again, but in the sweet relief of darkness, she became aware of an uncomfortable sensation in her throat. Gagging and coughing, she pulled a plastic tube from her throat; it was incredibly painful and likely not a wise decision.  As she stared down as the object she had extracted from her esophagus with horror, she became aware of her surroundings.

         She was on a narrow bed with crisp white sheets and side rails, and there was some sort of electronic screen with flashing lights that was beeping away beside her.

         Where was she? What was this place?

         “H-” She tried to call for help, but her voice didn’t seem to be working.

         Frantic now, she tried to push herself from the bed, but was met with resistance from her hand. She hurriedly ripped the strange needles out, yelping at the pain and balking at the blood that began to flow from the wound, and had just managed to sit upright when a trio of people came rushing into the room.

         “There, there, dear,” crooned one of the people. She was a woman with salt and pepper hair and kind blue eyes. “Just relax. Don’t want to strain ourselves, do we now?”

         _Who are you?_ the young woman wanted to ask. _Where am I?_

         She opened and closed her mouth, only a croaking sound coming out, and her eyes darted back and forth between the trio of women in pastel colored outfits forcing her back into the bed.

         _No!_ she thought. She didn’t want to get back into bed. She wanted to get out of there!

         “Miss, you need to relax _now,”_ one of the other women spoke sternly.

         “Now you just take a little rest,” the first woman spoke again. “And you’ll feel better when you wake up.”

         She felt something poking into arm, and everything began to fade to blurry darkness.

 

.

 

         The next time she opened her eyes it felt more natural, like waking from a quick nap.  Before she even had a chance to react, a straw was shoved between her lips. Quickly realizing what was happening, she sucked greedily at the plastic tube, draining the cup of water in seconds. Her throat still felt raw and bruised from earlier.

         “There now, missy, don’t want to make yourself sick,” came a smooth voice from her bedside.

         There was a man in a white cloak - no _coat_ , her brain corrected - sitting beside her, holding the now empty water cup in his large hands.

         “Feeling better now?” he asked.  His voice was deep and rumbling, and she instantly felt safe.

         She nodded. “Yes,” she croaked out.  Her voice seemed to be working better. “Where am I?”

         “Well, missy, you’re in the hospital.  Western General in Edinburgh.”

         She looked around at the spotless room. The walls were a muted shade of green; everything else in sight was white except for the dark blue shirt and trousers set the man at her bedside wore and his dark, dark skin. Was this a hospital? Something wasn’t right. This wasn’t like any hospital she had ever been in, but when she thought harder about it, she realized she couldn’t remember ever being in a hospital at all.  In fact, she couldn’t remember much of anything.

         “What happened? What am I doing here?” she rasped out.

She was beginning to panic, and as she felt her heart begin to pound in her throat, a beeping coming from her left picked up pace. Startled, she looked at the strange contraption making the noise. It seemed to be tracking her heartbeat. How odd.

         “We were hoping you could tell us. Young couple picked you up on the side of the road about a month ago and brought you here. This is the first time you’ve been conscious since they pulled you out of the divider.”

         A month? She had been unconscious for a month? But why? And why couldn’t she remember?

         “But I can’t remember anything,” she said dejectedly.  She felt like she had failed, being unable to recall what had happened to her.

         “Don’t worry, missy.  I’m sure it’ll all come back in no time. For now, you just rest.  I’ll have a nurse bring up the clothes you were wearing when they found you—maybe that’ll jog your memory.”  He got up to leave, but then paused, as if remembering something.  “And I’ll be back this afternoon. There are a few more things we should discuss concerning your health.”

         She nodded absently, leaning back against the pillows. She was exhausted, but found herself unwilling to sleep. She had been asleep for so long—even if she couldn’t remember it, her body could feel it. She felt as if she existed only in that moment, in that hospital bed. She had no past and could see no future. She let her head turn to the side, gazing out the window at the bleak view of streets covered in dirty snow and people hunched inward from the cold. A single tear fell down her cheek, and she wiped it away, not understanding why her body felt the need to cry.

         Some time later, the nurse with the salt and pepper hair came bustling into her room, a plastic tub in her arms. She placed the tub on the bed and settled herself in the chair.

         “How’re you feeling, dearie?” she asked kindly, her blue eyes sparkling. “I’m Nurse Begbie, by the way.”

         “I’m feeling alright.” It wasn’t a lie. Physically, she felt just fine. “It’s nice to meet you Nurse Begbie.” She didn’t introduce herself; after all, she didn’t even know her own name.

         “Well, dearie, I’ve got the things you had on you when you were brought in. Would you like to take a look?”

         She eyed the bin warily. Would this tell her what she had forgotten?

         “Yes,” she replied with a definitive nod of her head.

         For the most part, the contents of the bin were wholly disappointing. There was a pair of expensive looking boots in a scaly leather neither she nor the nurse recognized, as well as a sweeping wool coat, a jumper, and a pair of trousers. There was nothing in any of the pockets.  It was the items in the little plastic bag, kept separate from everything else however, that gave her pause.

         First, there was a ring. It wasn’t just an ordinary ring; it was ornately carved silver with a trio of diamonds. There was something to the style of it, and the pattern of wear on the bezel that indicated it was generations old. It was clearly an engagement ring, and a precious one at that. Cautiously, as if she were afraid it was cursed, she slipped it onto her third finger on her left hand.  It was a perfect fit. So she was engaged. She kept the ring on.

         Second, and far more precious if only for the secrets it revealed and hinted at, was a note scrawled on a piece of paper in a looping, feminine script. Nurse Begbie said that it had been found in one of the pockets of her coat. The paper was crumpled and the ink was slightly faded.  She assumed that the note had been in her coat pocket for a few weeks at least by the state of it.

         _Marlene -_

_I’ve taken your man out to help me pick gifts for the other boys. He just looked so bored when I stopped by—you know how Sirius gets when he’s stuck in the flat for too long. He says he loves you. And not to worry. We’ll be back soon._

_xx Lily_

She gasped. _Marlene._

         “My name is Marlene,” she said with certainty, meeting Nurse Begbie’s blue eyes with her own chocolate brown. “I can feel it.”

 

.

 

         She had a name. She had a _name_!It was Marlene, and it felt wonderful. She would never take having a name for granted ever again—not that she could explicitly remember ever taking it for granted, but that didn’t matter.  It was the most magnificent feeling she could possibly imagine.

         And to make her mood glow even brighter, somewhere, she had a Sirius. There was a Sirius, and they lived together, but he didn’t like to be stuck inside for too long. They were in love, and his ring was on her finger. Somewhere, somebody knew who she was, and they loved her for it.

         She spun the ring on her finger, smiling.

         “Well hello there, Miss Marlene. Somebody looks happy.”  It was the doctor with the deep voice and smooth smile that made her feel safe.

         “I am,” she replied sincerely. “I have a name!”

         “So you do. Well, Marlene, I’m pleased to make your acquaintance,” he smiled and held out his hand. “Doctor Fletcher at your service.”

         She shook his hand firmly, still with her silly-stupid grin painted on her face.

         “So, Marlene.” She sighed as he spoke. She loved hearing her name. “We’ve got a couple of things to discuss.”

         She nodded her head, causing her freshly washed blonde hair to fall into her face slightly.

         “Well, you’ll be happy to know that all those tests and scans we’ve put you today had a purpose.” She was glad to hear that; they had been endlessly tedious. “As far as we can tell, you’re in perfect health. Not even any residual issues from being in a coma for twenty-five days, which is very remarkable. You’re something of a miracle, little missy. “

         She sighed happily. She felt perfect, but the nurses had warned her that there could be problems, especially with her brain, as she had obviously sustained some sort of trauma.  

         “We still don’t know what caused the coma, or why you seem to be missing your memory, but we’re working on it.  Sometimes, things like this happen, they can’t be explained, and one day you might wake up with all your memories back.” He smiled reassuringly.

         She grinned wistfully back at him. She wanted her memories back. She was happy that she had a name and a Sirius, but she wanted more. Who was she really? She had no idea, but she was sure she would be impossibly happier if she knew.

         “And now comes the big news.” He took her hand. “Marlene, you’re about eight weeks pregnant.”

         Marlene felt the sudden urge to clean out her ears.

         “I’m sorry, I just...” She paused. She had only gotten a name that morning, and now she was getting a baby? “What?”

         Doctor Fletcher patted her hand soothingly.

         “You’re going to have a baby, Marlene. Now I know this is a lot to take in, but you have options...”

         But Marlene was no longer listening. A baby? A BABY! She couldn’t do this. She didn’t even know how old she was! She didn’t know where she lived, or what her last name was, or how she’d ended up in the hospital. How could she take care of a baby? Her breath started to come in gasps, and her vision blurred at the edges. She couldn’t get enough oxygen. Everything was spinning...

         “Miss Marlene? Marlene?” The Doctor’s worried voice did nothing to calm her.

         “I—I—” She gasped. “I can’t—can’t do this.”

         “Marlene!” A sharp voice immediately drew her attention. It was Nurse Begbie. When had she gotten there? “Marlene, you need to calm down now. Can you take a deep breath?”

         The Nurse placed her warm hands on Marlene’s narrow shoulders, forcing eye contact.

         “Take a deep breath, dear. Breath with me,” she ordered, though her voice was soft. “In. Out. In. Out. Come on.”

         And Marlene did. In. Out. She could do this. It was okay. It was all going to be okay...and she felt her heart rate slow, and her hands stopped shaking, and she found there was plenty of oxygen to be had after all.

         “That’s a good girl.”  Nurse Begbie smoothed Marlene’s hair back from her now damp forehead. “Feeling better now?”

         She nodded, not quite trusting herself to talk. The nurse made to move back, but Marlene grabbed her hand with crushing strength, keeping the older woman near.

         “What do I do now?”

 

.

 

_February 7, 1980_

        

The morning of the following day, Marlene sat patiently waiting to receive something called an “ultrasound.” Doctor Fletcher had told her that there was a good chance her memories would return soon, seeing as she had only woken up the day before.  If they did, she could make her decision about whether to keep the baby or not based upon that.  If she didn’t get her memories back...things would be more complicated. No one knew what would happen yet.

         The ultrasound technician entered the room with a smile on her pretty face. She was young, though not as young as Marlene—not that she knew her age, exactly.

         “Hello, I’m Doctor Sanders,” she said gently. “Now lets take a look at your little one, shall we?”

         Marlene didn’t answer.  She wasn’t sure if she could speak. This was all far too much, far too quickly. Perhaps being in a coma wasn’t so terrible, she mused. Doctor Sanders spread a cold gel on her stomach, but she barely reacted, too caught up in her thoughts.

She was staring intently at the opposite wall, letting the doctor do her work, when she heard it. At first the sound didn’t even register, it was just another thing on the long list of items she was choosing not to think about, but slowly, the fluttering sound that filled the quiet room drew her attention.

“Is that…” She was at a loss for words as comprehension dawned.

“That’s your baby’s heartbeat, Marlene,” Doctor Sanders said encouragingly, smiling brilliantly.

“Oh,” Marlene gasped. “Oh my.”

         She felt something warm on her cheek, and bringing her hand up she was surprised to find her face streaked with wetness. She was crying again, but she wasn’t sure why.  She had no idea who she was or what her future held, but she wasn’t alone. There was a life inside her, and it had a heartbeat that could fill an entire room with sound.

 

.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.

 

_February 14, 1980_

        

A week later, Marlene moved into the spare bedroom in the modest, but comfortable home of Nurse Begbie—or Fiona, as she had insisted she be called. Fiona’s youngest son had moved out to attend a university in America the year prior, and the matronly nurse seemed thrilled to have another young person to look after.

         “Only temporary dear,” Fiona had assured her as they drove through the suburbs of Edinburgh on their way from the hospital. “Your memories will come back, and we’ll have you back to that Sirius of yours in no time.”

The woman’s kind words had filled Marlene with slight reassurance, but as the first week out of the hospital turned into a month, and one month turned into four, she couldn’t help the confusion and melancholy that seemed to have settled in her bones. It was like someone had gone through her mind and weeded it like a bed of flowers.  She knew English, quite a bit of Latin, and even some French, she had discovered. Most things were as easy as breathing, but others gave her pause. The first time she had ridden in an automobile, she was overcome with fear as if she had never done so in her life.  And when she discovered Fiona’s television, she had needed to ask her hostess what is was and how it worked. When asked if she knew how to cook, she promptly replied that _yes, she did,_ without even needing to consider it, but when she entered the kitchen, she found herself entirely unfamiliar with the tools and appliances, but unable to put her finger on what exactly was lacking. 

         The most disconcerting part of all was that she felt as if her personality had been stripped bare.  She was Marlene, but she could feel that she was only herself unshaped by the many experiences of the life she could not recall. She felt like a ghost—only the faintest outline, the bare bones of whom she should be. She was a colorless imitation of a person, lacking the vibrancy of a personal history.

         All she had was her position bagging groceries at a market down the road and the little life growing inside of her. But very soon that life would be a person—a baby with no more history than Marlene. What did she—only a phantom masquerading as a person—have to offer a child who she would be expected to help grow, and learn, and _become_ when she had done none of those things herself? Her life would begin with her child’s, she supposed. They would become people together.

 

.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.

 

_October 21, 1980_

 

         Marlene sat tucked into the window seat, enjoying the afternoon sunshine beating through the glass that warmed her face and made her hair shine golden. When she got a moment of peace—which wasn’t often these days—it was one of her favorite places to pass the time.  She liked watching all the people—mostly Fiona’s neighbors who she had become familiar with over the past several months—going about their lives. She envied them. They all seemed to have so much _life._ They had so many stories to tell, so many relationships with the people around them, so many rich memories stored in their lucky heads. But Marlene felt as if her own mind, her own identity was as much of a blank slate as her baby daughter’s.

         A baby daughter that seemed to be awakening from her nap, if the cries from the upstairs floor were anything to go off of.

         Smiling wryly to herself at the strength of her child’s lungs—maybe she got that from her father? —Marlene disentangled herself from her nest of blankets and pillows, deposited her empty teacup in the kitchen sink, and went upstairs to retrieve the little girl.

         _Baby, darling, sweetheart, love, angel,_ as she referred to her child, was howling something awful by the time Marlene made it upstairs and into the little bedroom that was rather cramped even with a single bed, nightstand, crib, and little dresser being its only contents. Her daughter slept well and often, thank goodness, and cried little, _thank heaven,_ but when she decided to make some noise—well, it was certainly impressive.

         “Shhh,” Marlene cooed, scooping up the wailing infant. “Mum’s here. It’s alright, angel.”

         She rocked the little girl back and forth, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, and the cries subsided rather quickly. Sighing, Marlene gazed down into her daughter’s now calm and inquisitive face. At ten weeks old, born after thirteen grueling hours on the eleventh of August, her little one was surely the loveliest thing she had ever seen. With dark brown, almost black hair and eyes that were quickly fading from blue to gray, the little girl looked nothing like her blonde-haired, brown-eyed, freckled mother, but she was beautiful. Sometimes Marlene thought she might be biased towards her darling angel, but did it really matter? _She_ thought her daughter was absolutely perfect, and that was the most important thing.

         Noticing the unfortunate smell lingering in the air, Marlene sighed and set about changing the nappy. That was certainly one part of motherhood she could do without. Just as she was finishing up, she heard the familiar sound of the door opening downstairs and Fiona bustling around in the kitchen.

         “Sounds like Auntie Fiona’s home!” she exclaimed excitedly before pressing a kiss to her daughter’s soft stomach, inhaling her pleasing baby scent.

         She scooped up the little girl, earning an excited coo in response, and made her way downstairs.

         “Have a good shift, Fiona?” she said by way of greeting as she entered the kitchen where the older woman was enjoying a glass of the fresh lemonade Marlene had made that morning.

         “Always dear, always,” Fiona replied. She had an unfailing positive nature. Even if she lost a patient—or five—it was always a good shift. When Marlene had asked her why it was “always” good, the kind nurse had replied that no matter what loss she witnessed in the hospital, there was always life and joy as well.

         “Good. How’s this batch?” Marlene inquired, nodding her head towards the glass of lemonade. “I added less sugar this time, and a little lavender.”

“I think you’ve got it down. This is the best yet,” Fiona said warmly before taking another sip and letting out a tired sigh.

Her baby started to fuss and root into Marlene’s chest, so she unbuttoned her blouse and shifted aside her bra, and the little girl began to suckle happily.

Fiona smiled fondly at the picture they made, Marlene looking down adoringly and stroking her daughter’s dark hair.

“So does the little love have a name yet?” the older woman asked Marlene good-naturedly.

It was a daily ritual, asking if Marlene had named her daughter. Her doctors and nurses had been thoroughly perplexed when Marlene had put down her daughter’s name as “Jane” on her birth certificate and firmly informed them that she would be changing it just as soon as she got her memories back. But her daughter had been born in August, it was now mid-October, and she had still not decided on a name. Marlene felt so lost, so empty without any sort of history to call her own, and because of this she had become overwhelmingly attached to giving her daughter a family name, or at least one that had some significance to the little girl’s heritage. But Marlene had woken up in the hospital for the first time eight months before, and her identity—and by extension her daughter’s—remained just as much of a mystery as it had been then. So everyday Fiona asked if the baby had a proper name, and everyday Marlene replied “Not yet.” But today was different...

“Actually, I’ve been thinking about that,” she replied.

Fiona’s eyebrows rose nearer to her salt-and-pepper hairline. “Oh? And what have you been thinking about since August instead, dearie?”

“That’s not what I meant.” Marlene rolled her eyes at the older woman’s teasing. Careful not to disturb her daughter too much, she reached for a stack of books on the little table between them.

“Astrology books? Please don’t tell me you’re going to name the poor thing Stardust.”

“And what if I am?” Marlene challenged, raising a one blonde brow for a moment before winking at Fiona’s disbelieving face. “So anyway, I’ve been thinking about....about Sirius.”

She looked nervously at Fiona, but the older woman said nothing, so Marlene picked up the first book in the stack and flipped it to a page she had previously marked.  Marlene knew Fiona did not approve of her holding onto the idea of the mysterious “Sirius” mentioned in the note from “Lily” that had been found in the pocket of Marlene’s clothing when she arrived at the hospital. After all, it had been months and the authorities had had no luck in tracking down any Sirius at all, not to mention one that had claimed to be missing a Marlene. It was awfully suspicious. But Marlene was unable to explain the warm feeling she got somewhere near her heart when she heard the name, or the way she looked down into her daughter’s eyes and just _knew_ she got them from her father.

“Sirius is the name of a star—the dog star. It’s the brightest star in the sky...” she trailed off wistfully before shaking her head to clear her thoughts. “Anyway, it’s part of the Canis Major constellation, so I was thinking about naming her after one of the other stars.”

She was rather proud of her idea, and was hoping that Fiona would approve of it as well. Wordlessly, she slid the book across the table to the other woman and pointed to the labeled diagram of the constellation in question.

In an effort to forestall revealing her choice, she shifted the baby in her arms so she could re-button her blouse.

“So, um, what do you think of the name Adara? I’d call her Addie for short of course because Adara is rather a mouthful. Adara is the second brightest star in the constellation you know, and the twenty-third brightest in the sky and—”

“Marlene, relax dear,” Fiona interrupted with an indulgent smile. “I think Adara is a lovely name, and Addie suits our little angel perfectly.”

Marlene let out a deep breath of air, relaxing. She was glad Fiona approved. Aside from her daughter, the kindly nurse was the most important person in her life at the moment.

“Good, _great!_ I...” She looked down into her daughter’s silvery eyes. “Adara, huh? What do you think, little Addie? I think your daddy will love it, don’t you?”

        

.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.-:-.

 

_December 21, 1980_         

 

Marlene tossed restlessly under the thick quilts on her narrow bed.  She had been unusually exhausted all day.  Addie had gone down easily, and it was the Winter Solstice—the longest night of the year with so much darkness to be used for sleep. But Marlene just could not relax.

         She flipped onto her stomach, smooshing her face into the pillow. She rolled onto her back, trying to calm her breathing. Huffing angrily under her breath, she dragged her hands over her face. It was late, so late, and with a four-month-old child, sleep was precious. This was just absolutely unacceptable. Taking deep breaths, she set about counting the pockmarks in the plaster of the ceiling.

176, 177... and eventually, her eyes slid shut...

 

.

 

_December 24, 1970_

 

_Marlene was watching a girl of about sixteen with lovely golden hair the texture of silk piled on top of her head. She stood in front of a gilded mirror. They were in an enormous bedroom furnished with_ _grand furniture, fine linens, and expensive looking decorations. Everything glittered in the candlelight._

_“Hey Marl?” the girl called, catching Marlene’s eyes in the mirror. “Will you do up the buttons for me?”_

_“Sure,” Marlene replied, sliding off the bed and straightening her white and gold brocaded dress robes._

_The older girl was wearing a more mature version of Marlene’s outfit, and in the reflection of the mirror, it was obvious that they were sisters.  They had the same hair, the same dark brown eyes, delicate features, and smattering of freckles on their noses and cheeks._

_“Merrick! Marlene!” called a boy’s voice as the doors to the bedroom were thrown open. “Are you two ready yet?”_

_“Michael! I’m not dressed yet!” wailed Merrick._

_“Relax, Mer. Don’t be so stuffy. Here,” he withdrew a wand from the folds of his own fine robes, and with one flick, the remaining buttons did themselves up and Marlene smiled gratefully, glad that her task had been completed for her._

_At that moment, three more boys came barreling into the room, howling like barbarians. The first boy, who looked to be about twelve, had a plush dragon clutched in his hand held high above his head, and his twin brother was keeping the third and much younger boy from reaching the toy._

_“Michael!” the youngest boy whined. He was even younger than Marlene. “Mack and Mal took Dragon again! Make them give it back!”_

_“Only if you stop whining, Max,” Michael said sternly._

_“Ok,” Max relied in a normal voice. “I’ll stop.”_

_Michael nodded. “Mackenzie, Malcolm, give Max the toy back. I wish you two wouldn’t antagonize him like this. Can’t you stick to tormenting each other?”_

_The twins exchanged a conspiratorial glance before shaking their heads quickly at their older brother and sprinting back out of the room._

_Max began to cry in frustration._

_“Maxwell, don’t cry. Your face will be a mess for the ball,” Merrick said, coming over to wipe her brother’s tears._

_The little boy’s lip trembled, so Marlene leaned over and whispered in his ear, “Shall we go after them?”_

_He brightened up instantly and grabbed Marlene’s hand before dragging her to the door. They only made it around the next corner of their manor’s winding corridors before Merrick and Michael caught up to them, however._

_“Marlene!” Merrick scolded. “You will be at Hogwarts next year, and a young lady does not go tearing about the house as if she were raised by werewolves.”_

_“But—” Marlene protested, desperately wanting to go get into a tussle with her older twin brothers._

_“Why don't you come with me, and we’ll ask Mother if she’ll lend you her ruby comb for your hair? And Michael and Maxwell will go deal with the twins,” Merrick offered with a smile._

_Marlene pouted a bit, but clasped hands with her older sister and allowed herself to be led off in the opposite direction._

_“How about we go show those two who’s boss? I’m the only one allowed to use a wand, after all,” Michael’s voice drifted behind her._

_._

 

_December 22, 1980_

 

Marlene shot up in bed so quickly she saw stars. _What the bloody hell was that? Was that a memory? Were they using_ magic?

         And that was the first night.


	2. Chapter 2

_December 22, 1980_

 

         The next day, Marlene felt as ifshe had lost control of her mind.  No matter how hard she tried, she could not keep her attention in the room. Her thoughts were continuously escaping back to the strange dream of the night before. _Because that was all it could have been. Just a dream, right?_ But it had felt so real. And so _right._ Something about the oh-so-familiar faces of the other children resonated deep inside her. But the oldest boy had used magic — with a magic wand, no less — and that was what kept her from telling Fiona that she thought she was getting her memories back. Magic wands...it couldn’t have been real.

         But almost the second she got Addie down to sleep that night, she crawled under her covers and slammed her eyes shut, willing herself to sleep with all her might. Even if it was only a dream, it was the most familiar thing she had seen since waking in the hospital months before. And it felt wonderful.

 

.

 

_September 1, 1971_

 

         _Marlene sat alone in the train compartment as it pulled out of the station. Merrick, Mack, and Mal had all offered her seats with their friends, but she refused to depend on her older siblings for socializing. However, now that she found herself alone in a compartment, not having come across any of the other first years that she was familiar with, she was wondering if that had been such a good idea. Shrugging to herself, she smoothed her hands over the fine, pale blue fabric of her dress and made sure the buttons on the cuffs lay straight. She was a McKinnon, she did not need the presence of others to feel confident, and she should always look perfectly—_

_“Can I join you? Everywhere else is full,” a redhead with pretty green eyes asked brightly, standing in the now-open compartment door._

_“You may,” Marlene nodded, gesturing to the seat facing her._

_The other girl sighed in relief, and dragged her heavy trunk into the compartment before collapsing onto the bench. Marlene eyed her curiously. She was very pretty, and looked to be a first year as well. But it was her clothing that was so very interesting. She was wearing little plaid shorts—_ Shorts! How improper! — _with a white cotton t-shirt and blue trainers. Muggle clothes, Marlene deduced. Was this girl a muggle-born? Marlene had never met one before, and she would never be caught dead in such sloppy attire for fear of a serious scolding. She looked down at the perfect, knee length hem of her dress and her polished, dragonhide shoes. Mother and Merrick would be so proud._

_“Well hello! I’m Lily!” The other girl smiled at her. “What’s your name?”_

_“Marlene McKinnon. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss...Lily,” she finished awkwardly. The other girl had not offered her family name. Very impolite._

_The girls smiled shyly at each other, and Marlene found that perhaps Lily’s less than proper dress and decorum were not quite so bad after all. The redhead had a particularly sunny countenance about her, and seemed to make the train compartment just a bit brighter._

_“What house do you want to be in?” Lily asked, pulling one leg up underneath her on the seat._

_“Gryffindor. No question. That’s where all my brothers and my sister have been sorted,” Marlene replied. And forgetting to worry about wrinkling her dress, she folded her legs up crosswise and adopted Lily’s casual demeanor._

_“I’m hoping to be in Slytherin because that’s where my friend wants to go; he says it’s the best. But he says Ravenclaw wouldn’t be so bad. He should be here soon,” the readhead offered eagerly. Marlene’s eyebrows shot up towards her hairline._

_“Slytherin, really? What’s your family name, Lily?”_

_“Evans, why?” Lily cocked her head to the side curiously._

_“Oh...no reason.”_

 

_._

 

_September 1, 1971_

 

_As Marlene and the other first years made to enter the Great Hall, she shifted closer to her little clump of friends comprised of Lucas Avery, Godwin Mulciber, Sophronia Fawley, Anderson Smith, and Sirius Black. Suddenly, the Sorting Ceremony, which had never caused her an ounce of worry in her life, seemed incredibly threatening. The presence of the children she had grown up with was proving very reassuring. She knew that Anderson would go to Hufflepuff, Lucas, Godwin, Sirius, and likely Sophronia to Slytherin, and she hopefully to Gryffindor, but when she caught Godwin’s gaze and he gave her a shy smile, she felt the butterflies in her stomach settle..._

_“McKinnon, Marlene!” Professor McGonagall called shrilly, and Marlene’s heart flew into her throat._

_She had never worried about the sorting, always having felt confident about how it would turn out, but when the hat had shouted “Gryffindor!” after six long minutes atop Sirius Black’s head, she’d realized all bets were off. The fleeting look of terror that had flashed across his face at the hat’s declaration was not encouraging in the slightest._

_Squaring her shoulders and tossing her long hair back, she marched purposefully to the front of the clump of first years and sat herself atop the stool. She didn’t even feel the hat touch the top of her head before the loud cry of “GRYFFINDOR!” echoed through the hall._

_She caught Merrick’s eye and shared a proud smile with her older sister, grinned at Mack and Mal leading a standing ovation, and flounced over the her new house table, settling herself into the empty spot beside Sirius Black._

_He was staring at the grain of the table with a blank gaze, but brightened up immediately and plastered a slightly broken grin on his handsome face._

_“Marlene! Fancy the two of us being in the same house?” he said brightly, but Marlene’s brow creased._

_“Stop trying to be funny, Sirius. You know your parents are going to murder you. Not that I know how they couldn’t have thought this would be a possibility for you,” she replied with a little smirk. Sirius had always been a bit of a black sheep - or a white sheep in a Black family, perhaps. A Gryffindor placement was all fine and well for her - despite her father being a Slytherin and her mother a Ravenclaw, but it was a hanging sentence for the Black heir._

_“Oh relax, McKinnon. And I’m sure your parents were very worried. After all, I had you pegged as Hufflepuff for sure!” Sirius teased, brushing off her concern._

_“Oi! Black!” a voice came from a few seats down the table._

_“Hey Mack!” Sirius greeted her brother, knowing him well after years of pureblood society gatherings together._

_“You’d better not be teasing little Marl about going into Hufflepuff,” Mack said with mock-seriousness._

_“We were all quite worried, you see,” Mal joined in._

_“Mal!” Marlene hissed. Her brothers were always trying to embarrass her in public._

_“But now we see there was nothing to be worried about!” Mack gave an exaggerated laugh._

_“You’re not a disappointment after all, sis!” Mal said brightly, earning curious looks from the table’s other occupants._

_“Don’t you guys have people your own age to bother?” Marlene grumbled, tucking into her shepherd’s pie and glaring at Sirius’ laughing form beside her._

 

_._

 

_October 28, 1971_

 

_Marlene huffed in frustration as her feather quill, which she was attempting to levitate a few feet above her seat on the plush carpet of Gryffindor tower, once again slammed into the ceiling. She was having trouble controlling the amount of power she put into her spellwork. Professor McGonagall said it was because she was too hotheaded. She wished she could tell Professor McGonagall where to stick it._

_“Do you want some help?” a soft voice came from above her. Marlene looked up into the kind face of a girl with blue eyes and black hair pulled into a neat ponytail._

_“Why would you think I need help?” Marlene snapped, embarrassed. “Do I look like I need your help?”_

_“I didn’t mean to offend you! It’s just, I know Flitwick gave the first years a tough task for tonight and you looked a little frustrated...” The girl trailed off at Marlene’s slightly hostile expression._

_“Who are you, anyway?” Marlene didn’t recognize her, which probably meant she wasn’t from one of the old families._

_“Dorcas Meadowes. I’m only the year above you, you know.” Oh, that’s right. The girl was a half-blood. No wonder she was unfamiliar._

_“Right whatever,” Marlene grumbled, still fighting down a blush._

_“Fine, I’ll just go. Good luck with your work then,” Dorcas snapped, and Marlene instantly felt rather guilty._

_“Wait!” Marlene called, stopping the older girl from stomping away. “You wouldn’t happen to know how to keep from levitating my quill through the ceiling every time I cast the spell, would you?”_

 

_._

 

_December 23, 1980_

 

Marlene woke to Addie’s hungry wails. Shaking her head several times and wincing at the sharp pain that shot through her temple, she climbed from her bed and went to feed her daughter.  Her head was spinning. The dreams...they weren’t dreams. She couldn’t explain it, but she just _knew_ they were memories. But magic? _Magic?!_ It was impossible. Improbable. Perhaps... But she wouldn’t say anything to anyone about it just yet. Her first instinct had been to go charging off into the night with nothing but Addie to go find this family of her dreams, but something held her back.  So far, she had repeated what seemed to be every memory she had of the first eleven or so years of her life. Some events stood out more than others, but it was all there.

         She was Marlene McKinnon, born on November 24, 1959 and currently twenty-one years old.  She had a father, Malise, a stern but doting man, the scion of their family, and an accomplished auror along with his brother Manus, and Manus’s oldest son, Greer. Her mother, Deirdre, was a beautiful kind woman and a Fawley by birth.  She had five siblings, four brothers and one sister. Michael at seven years older, Merrick at six years older, twins Mackenzie and Malcolm two years older, and little Maxwell one year her junior.

         She came from one of the “Sacred Twenty-Eight” old wizarding families, and though her family was not opposed to people of impure blood per se, she had grown up completely isolated from them and all influences of the muggle world.

         Her closest friends before attending Hogwarts had been Lucas Avery, Godwin Mulciber, Sophronia Fawley (her second cousin, once removed), Anderson Smith, and Sirius Black. She showed a particular aptitude for Potions, which was surprising because she seemed to have trouble putting any measure of control or preciseness behind her spellwork, let alone something as neddlesome as potion making.  Everything she cast seemed to have a bit too much power behind it, but her professors assured her that if she could control her emotions, she could control her magic. She had a touchy temper, a loyal streak, desperately loved her family, and was rubbish at Quidditch.

         She should have been elated. She finally had begun to gain the history and memories she yearned for so desperately, but something did hold her back. Despite the overwhelming number of memories that had flooded her mind over the past two nights, she still did not know how she had come to be found unconscious on the side of a muggle road, only to wake up weeks later in a muggle hospital with no recollection as to what had happened. And something was telling her she should wait for that particular memory to return until she made any decisions. Something wasn’t right, and she didn’t just have herself to worry about. She was responsible for Addie too. And every time she slipped into a new memory, she felt as if she were charging towards a cliff, towards some horrific inevitability that she just had to wait for as she watched the many moments of her life rush by in her dreams.

 

_May 30, 1981_

 

         Marlene turned out the light and snuggled into her little bed, listening to the sound of rain softly pattering against her window. She could hear Addie’s sleep-heavy breathing coming from her crib on the other side of the room. It was May, 1981 now. Addie was nine months old, and said her first word “Dada” two weeks prior.  Marlene had cried for hours until Fiona returned from her shift and was able to calm her down.  It had been five months since those two strange nights of blissful memories—or perhaps they were only dreams, after all—and she still had not told a soul of the things she had seen when she fell asleep.

         Every morning when she woke to find that she had had a normal night of sleep with no dreams of large, loud families or schools of magic she felt a cloak of disappointment settle deeper into her bones. She found herself floating in a cruel limbo—yearning to get on with her life, whatever that meant, but unable to release the possibility of a secret world so rich with love and magic she could taste it. It was time to move forward, get an education and a better job, hopefully find a home one-day for her and Addie, but she just couldn’t let go...

 

.

_October 7, 1971_

 

_Marlene and Sirius walked together down the Charms corridor on a Sunday afternoon in October. It was raining outside, but the two were filled with restless energy, so the afternoon found the pair tossing a fanged frisbee back and forth, awarding themselves extra points if they could send it through a ghost or hit a Slytherin.  The two Gryffindors were practically joined at the hip; they spent so much time together. They were childhood playmates, and that comfort and security bled over into their relationship at Hogwarts._

_Tensions were increasing outside the walls of the school with the rise of the growing dispute over blood and some dark wizard calling himself “Voldemort.” This had resulted in Sirius and Marlene becoming a bit estranged from their friends in Slytherin, and harboring insecurities over whom to befriend in their own house. Sirius had already received two howlers from his family concerning his sorting—one from his mother that had shrieked so loudly it likely disturbed the owls in the owlery, and one from his father that had simply burst into flames—and was worried about becoming acquainted with anyone of whom they would disapprove. Marlene was unsure as to where her family stood in the coming war, and therefore was left with Sirius as her only safe option for friendship in her year in Gryffindor.  Not that she minded; she and Sirius got on splendidly. In their year, James Potter was the only other pureblood, but his family were blood-traitors, and everyone else was either a half-blood or a muggleborn. Sirius and Marlene had both discovered that they didn’t really find their less pure housemates to be any different from themselves, but remained wary of going out on a limb and befriending someone who would get them into trouble._

_These things considered, they were caught entirely off guard when James Potter himself came tearing around the end of the corridor red in the face and breathing hard._

_“Slytherins—this way—pranked—angry—hide!” he panted, grabbing Sirius and Marlene by the sleeves of their robes and dragging the into the nearest classroom, leaving the fanged frisbee lying discarded outside._

_“What are you going on about?” Marlene hissed, glaring at the bespectacled boy._

_James held up a hand and shushed her as he doubled over, trying to catch his breath._

_“Are you just going to let him shush you like that?” Sirius teased her in a whisper, earning himself an elbow to the gut._

_“Well?” Marlene said impatiently when James straightened up._

_“I got Peeves to help me prank a couple of Slytherin third years, but they saw me, so I had to run. It’s not like I could have dueled all of them at once,” James explained._

_“Are you implying you could have dueled any of them at all?” Sirius let out a bark-like laugh._

_“Of course I—” James retorted before Marlene clapped a hand over both boys’ mouths._

_“Shhh!”_

_The sound of running footsteps in the corridor reached them through the classroom door._

_“I thought he came this way?” one voice asked, a boy._

_“I was sure he did! Sneaky little blood-traitor,” the second voice hissed._

_“Hey look at this!” a third voice exclaimed._

_Sirius and Marlene exchanged a horrified look. Their frisbee!_

_“Brilliant! I’ve been wanting one of these,” the second voice said._

_“Whatever, we’ll find the little twerp later and teach him a lesson,” said a fourth voice. “Bring the frisbee, I suppose.”_

_The three Gryffindors waited in silence as they listened to the footsteps retreat the way they’d come before letting out a collective breath of relief._

_“You got our frisbee stolen!” Sirius accused, rounding on James._

_“I didn’t do anything! You’re the ones that left it in the hallway!” James replied hotly._

_“Yes, but we wouldn’t have left it there if you hadn’t dragged us in here in the first place! It’s not like we’re_ _the ones who pranked the Slytherins. We didn’t have to hide at all!” Marlene complained._

_“You think they care? Just because you’re good little purebloods, they were going to leave you alone? You’re Gryffindors too, and that’s all that matters. Blood’s not important if you get in their way,” James hissed._

_The room went silent as his words sunk in. It suddenly didn’t seem as if they were just discussing house rivalries anymore. Marlene felt incredibly uncomfortable._

_“Come on, Marl,” Sirius said, placing a hand on her back and steering her out of the room. “Let’s just get out of here.”_

_Marlene allowed him to lead her out into the halls, but spoke up once they rounded the next corner. “Sirius—what he said about blood not being important if you get in the way...you don’t think—”_

_“Yeah, I do think he’s right. And I’m not just talking about Slytherin third years.”_

_Two weeks later, the incident in the Charms corridor almost entirely forgotten, Sirius and Marlene were surprised to find James Potter approaching them for the second time in less than a month. The boy wasn’t running this time, however, and had a familiar looking fanged frisbee clutched in his hand.  He stood awkwardly beside their seats in the common room where they had been working on their Potions homework, and they looked up at him expectantly._

_“Uh, here,” he said, shoving the toy into Marlene’s lap. “Thought you guys might want this.”_

_“How did you get it back?” Marlene asked._

_“Oh, I have my ways,” he winked at her cheekily before giving a little bow and retreating._

_Sirius and Marlene exchanged a significant glance. Marlene nodded, and Sirius turned in his chair to call after James, “Wait, Potter!”_

_James turned, looking at them curiously._

_“Want to, uh, do you want to work on the Potions essay with us? Marlene here’s pretty brilliant at it, you see and—”_

_“Absolutely,” James said, throwing his school bag on the table and settling into the third chair. He tossed Marlene a warm smile._

_She looked over at Sirius and he grinned, shrugging._

 

_._

 

_November 9, 1971_

 

_Sirius and Marlene sat shoulder to shoulder in the stairwell of the Astronomy tower, enjoying the last of a tin of biscuits that had come in the post from Marlene’s mother for Sirius’ birthday a week prior. They would have been freezing from the November wind whistling down the stairwell from the top of the open tower, but Sirius had conjured two little blue flames in glass jars that kept them surprisingly warm. They were without the third addition to their little trio, James Potter, for almost the first time since he had retrieved their frisbee a month earlier._

_“So I was talking to James,” Marlene ventured after she swallowed a mouthful of biscuit._

_“What about?” Sirius asked, his speech a little garbled._

_“Ew, Sirius, don’t talk with food in your mouth,” she giggled._

_He only grinned in response, a few crumbs stuck to his lips._

_“Anyway,” she rolled her eyes. “James fancies himself in love with Lily Evans.”_

_Sirius started choking on his biscuit, and Marlene had to thump him heavily on the back until he started breathing normally._

_“Lily Evans? As in Lily Evans the mu...ggleborn?” He bit his lip at his near slip. Having grown up in a household where blood slurs were commonplace, it had proved rather difficult for him to cut them out of his vocabulary._

_“Mmhmm,” Marlene nodded, worrying her own lip nervously. “I know.”_

_After all, how did one express that they weren’t quite approving of their friend’s choice in crush because of her blood?_

_“She is rather pretty,” Sirius said._

_“Yes,” Marlene agreed. “And I reckon she’s top of our year too. She’s also very nice.”_

_“A bit swotty for my tastes,” Sirius interjected, chuckling. “Remus Lupin is also a bit brilliant.”_

_And suddenly their conversation wasn’t just about whether Lily Evans was worthy of their friend or not. Remus Lupin, after all, was a half-blood._

_“He really is. And Dorcas Meadowes helps me with my charms sometimes,” she offered._

_“Yeah, and as much as I hate to admit it, that Snape kid might be better than you at potions,” Sirius teased, shoving her gently with his shoulder._

_Marlene let out a hollow little laugh that fell flat in the shadowed stairwell. The two sat in silence for several minutes, lost in thought._

_“Do you...” Sirius seemed to struggle for words. “Do you think they—my parents and the others—they might be...wrong?”_

_There was no need to specify just what the Blacks might be wrong about._

_“I’m scared to decide,” Marlene mumbled. Blood purity was an issue that went largely undiscussed in her home, but she had been feeling a growing desperation to pick a side on the issue. And what she_ wanted _to pick and what she felt she_ should _pick were very different things. She could only imagine how Sirius was feeling, with such a staunchly prejudiced family._

_“Me too,” Sirius whispered. “But...but I’m going to.”_

_Marlene looked at him in surprise with wide eyes. Suddenly, he jumped to his feet._

_“I don’t give a damn what my parents think!” he exclaimed, kicking at the stone wall. “They hate me already for ending up in Gryffindor! And just...” he started to lose steam, and sunk to his knees in front of Marlene. “They’re just wrong, Marl. I know they are, and you know it too.” He looked at her searchingly, his gray eyes hopeful._

_“I—I do. You’re right. Who cares if Lily Evans is a muggleborn?” She pulled them to their feet, her blood on fire with her rebellious declaration. “Sirius I think...I think it’s time we made some more friends.”_

_“I think you’re right.”_

 

_._

 

_July 2, 1981_

 

When Marlene opened her eyes, it was to the sight of Fiona leaning over her. Her body felt heavy and her mouth dry.

         “Shh, dearie,” Fiona soothed. “You’ve got a nasty fever. I’ve got the day off, so leave Addie to me, and I’ll call the market to let them know you’re ill.”

         Marlene nodded deliriously, her eyes rolling in her head.

         “Just go back to sleep,” Fiona’s voice whispered, distorted as if it were coming through a pane of glass. “Just go back to sleep, Marlene...

 

.

 

_March 27, 1972_

         _Marlene sat on the sofa in the downstairs drawing room, slumped against Merrick’s shoulder.  Max was on Mer’s other side, his head in her lap, and for once, the older McKinnon girl had not a word to say about his lack of propriety._

_The cuffs of Marlene’s black mourning robes felt like manacles around her wrists._

_It was March, and the gray weather reflected perfectly the atmosphere inside the McKinnon household, for Malise Mckinnon, her proud, strong father was dead. As was her Uncle Manus, and her cousin Greer. Death Eaters killed the three on an auror mission a week earlier._

_James Potter was right. Blood wasn’t important if you got in the way._

 

_._

_April 3, 1972_

 

_Marlene and her siblings, save for Michael who was in his first year of training for the auror office with their remaining cousin, Calum, returned to Hogwarts to hushed whispers and pointed fingers. It had come as quite a shock to the entire wizarding community that not even one of the oldest and purest families, not to mention one that hadn’t been labeled as blood-traitors, was immune to Voldemort’s forces. If the McKinnons weren’t safe, who was?_

_Marlene walked through the halls flanked by her friends, Sirius on one side with James and their friends Remus and Peter, Lily and Mary MacDonald on the other. She was safe, protected, and loved, but she felt absolutely alone._

_The group of Gryffindor first years arrived for their double potions lesson several minutes early, which turned out to be a grave mistake. Waiting in the corridor outside the classroom was the entirety of the Slytherin first years, talking and laughing loudly with a duo of Slytherin fourth years. The corridor went silent the moment the two groups noticed each other._

_Expect for Marlene. Her sharp intake of breath echoed of the walls when she caught sight of Lucas Avery. His father, Taeturius, had been among those implicated in the attack that killed her father, uncle, and cousin. She felt Lily’s hand land on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off and marched up to Lucas before Sirius could cotton on and stop her._

_Lucas saw her approach and broke away from his friends to meet her. They stopped toe to toe, and he cocked a brow at her, his green eyes cold. How could this boy in front of her be someone she had considered one of her best friends, someone with whom she had found comfort before they had been sorted into different Houses?  She didn’t even know him anymore._

_“Your father—” she snarled, but he interrupted her._

_“What about him? And here I thought the issue was your father,” he sneered, glancing over his shoulder to grin at the Slytherins._

_“Don’t you talk about my father!” Marlene’s voice began to rise._

_“What did you expect, McKinnon?” He shot a pointed look at her friends standing behind her. “Now you know what happens when you befriend traitors and filth.”_

_Marlene didn’t think to use her words. Hell, she didn’t even think to use her wand._ _The next thing she knew, Avery’s skull made a cracking noise as it slammed into the stone floor from the force of Marlene leaping on top of him._

_“Marlene!”_

_She felt someone pulling on her arm, trying to stop her. But she didn’t want to stop. She pulled up on his shoulders and slammed him back into the ground, enjoying the way his eyes bulged just before he fell unconscious._

_“MARLENE!” Arms wrapped around her torso, lifting her up and away._

_She kicked her legs and thrashed about, but finally fell still when she found herself unable to escape. Gasping for breath, she looked up into Sirius’ face when she felt his arms relax._

_“You’re not gonna beat me up too, are you?” he asked, trying to keep his tone light._

_She opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the sound of Avery groaning as he came to and sat up, wiping at the blood pooling at the back of his head Sirius held onto her wrists as she approached him, leaving her unable to attack, but allowing her to lean down so they were nose to nose._

_She narrowed her eyes at him, enjoying the way he flinched, and she hissed, “Now you know what happens when you talk about my father.”_

 

_._

_September 1, 1972_

 

_Marlene sat between Lily and Mary on the bench at the opening feast of her second year. The newly dubbed “Marauders” sat across from them.  James was trying unsuccessfully to catch Lily’s eye, and she and Sirius kept trying (rather successfully) to kick each other under the table._

_Marlene paused in her attack against Sirius’ shins to crane her neck and try to catch a glance of her brother, Max. The Sorting Ceremony was well underway, and McGonagall was nearing the M names.  She knew Max was nervous, but he had nothing to worry about. He would be in Gryffindor, but even if he ended up in Slytherin he’d still be her little brother...she’d just have more to tease him about._

_“McKinnon, Maxwell!” McGonagall announced, and Marlene practically stood in her seat trying to catch her brother’s eye._

_Just as he sat himself upon the stool, his terrified gaze met Marlene’s, and she offered him a wink and an encouraging smile. She watched his shoulders relax at the gesture, and then the hat was placed upon his head. After about a minute, the hat shouted “GRYFFINDOR!” and the table erupted into cheers. She squeezed Max’s hand as he passed her on his way down to an empty seat across from Mack and Mal._

_As she watched the twins lean across the table to ruffle Max’s hair, she found herself awash in a wave of much needed peace._

 

_._

_September 2, 1973_

 

_Sirius and Marlene sat tucked into their favorite spot in the Astronomy Tower stairwell for the first time of their third year. It was just after dinner on their second night back._

_“So how was your summer_ really?” _Marlene asked, nudging him with her shoulder.  She had been unable to see Sirius all summer, and when she wrote him to ask why he wasn’t allowed out, he simply wrote back in a curt letter saying he’d tell her in September._

_“Reg’s gotten more annoying, my parents are monsters. Just the usual, you know?” He let out a hollow little chuckle and leaned back to rest his elbows on a stair._

_“Sirius...” He was lying. What had happened to her friend?_

_“My Aunt Lucretia died, did you know? She was my dad’s older sister.” He said it in an offhand way, as if he were talking about his brother’s goldfish or something of the like._

_“I didn’t. Why didn’t your family host a big funeral reception or something?” It was quite odd, actually, that she hadn’t heard. Usually, deaths in the old pureblood families were big events, morbidly enough._

_“I’m not sure, but...but I heard my mum and dad talking about it, and—and my dad said it was his fault.”_

_“Was it?”_

_“I don’t think so. Mum told him it wasn’t, but he seems...different now.  They were really close, and now he’s not the same,” Sirius mumbled the last bit, rubbing at his shoulder uncomfortably._

_Something curled in Marlene’s stomach. “Different, how? Sirius?”_

_He pretended he hadn’t heard her._

_“Sirius, stop being an idiot and tell me what happened.”_

_“You’re so bloody demanding.” His joke fell flat. “He’s just different. He’s angrier.”_

_Marlene took in the hard line of his mouth and the steely expression in his eyes. Her heart clenched._

_“Did he—did he hurt you?” she whispered._

_“Ha!” His bark like laugh echoed harshly off the stone walls. “He’s always been one to favor a slap over a tongue-lashing like my mum—although I’ve always preferred it that way. Mum’s downright vicious. But he’s worse now.”_

_Orion Black was beating Sirius? Not just cuffing his ears or giving him a slap when he misbehaved, but actually beating him?_

_“Are you okay?” Because what else was she supposed to say?_

_“Oh yeah, I’m just fine,” he drawled sarcastically. “Mum healed it all before they put me on the train. I don’t know what I expected from her, but it was more than just that. I guess I thought that even though she thinks I’m a shame on the family she’d have stopped him, but she didn’t.” And to Marlene’s surprise, the fact that his mother had not stopped his father seemed to hurt him more than the beatings had._

_“Maybe your mum is scared of him?” she offered._

_“I reckon you’re right. He’s like a completely different person. Even Reg is scared of him...” Sirius trailed off, picking at a loose thread on his shirtsleeve. “Pumpkin pasty?” he asked suddenly, pulling a few of the sweets from his robes._

_“Uh, no thanks,” she replied, caught off guard. “I’m allergic to pumpkin.”_

_“Your loss,” he shrugged, taking a bite out of one._

_Marlene sighed and leaned her head down to rest on his shoulder. It seemed she wasn’t the only one who didn’t have a father anymore._

_“I’m sorry.” Her words had the entirely wrong effect._

_Sirius stiffened and jerked away from her._

_“I don’t want your sympathy, Marlene. If you’re going to treat me like that then just leave!”_

_“No! No, I didn’t—” Marlene scrambled._

_Sirius looked like a different person when he was angry, his handsome features darkening and twisting. It was in those moments that he truly looked like a member of his family. He looked mad._

_“Please. We can talk about something else,” she pleaded._

_“Fine,” he finally relaxed, like someone had let the air from a balloon. “Did I tell you about Susan Parkers?”_

_“What?” Marlene asked dumbly. She couldn’t keep up with the change of subject._

_“Susan Parkers, Hufflepuff in fourth year. I snogged her in a broom cupboard on the fifth floor last night,” he said proudly._

_Her mouth opened and closed like a fish, and she felt her chest grow hot. Why was he telling her this? She was suddenly quite sure she didn’t want to hear this._

_“That’s nice?” she said uncertainly._

_“But that’s just it!” Sirius snickered, and she found herself cracking a smile. “It wasn’t nice at all! She slobbered all over me. Oh Marl, it was dreadful.”_

_Marlene joined in his infectious laughter. Talking about Susan Parkers, the terrible snogger, seemed to have lifted his spirits considerably. It was as if their previous conversation had not even occurred. And if that’s what it took to make him laugh..._

_“Well that’s what you get for snogging a ‘Puff. Besides, how do you know you weren’t the one doing all the slobbering?” she teased._

_“Oi! Don’t insult my snogging, McKinnon! We’ve all got to start somewhere!”_

_The pair dissolved into giggles, and Marlene was glad to know that no matter how dark things got for her friend, the thought of slobbering Hufflepuffs could still brighten his mood._

 

_._

 

_July 3, 1981_

 

Marlene felt as if she had ten-pound weight hanging from her lashes as she struggled to open her eyes.  Her mouth was dry and tasted something foul, but she thankfully spotted a full glass of water on the bedside table.  She shimmied up the bed into a slumped sitting position against the headboard and greedily gulped down the water. She was just draining the last few drops when the door to her bedroom creaked open. Fiona came through, smiling when she saw Marlene awake and sitting up.

“Someone’s been missing you,” the older woman said sweetly, stepping aside so Addie could crawl in on her chubby little baby limbs.

“Oh, hello angel. I’ve missed you too,” Marlene crooned roughly, her voice ragged from disuse.

Fiona helped Addie up onto the bed so she could greet her mother.

“Ma!” Addie shrieked excitedly, and Marlene felt her face split in a grin.

She would never get used to how wonderful it was to hear Addie’s little voice, even if the only words the baby girl could say were “Ma,” “Dada,” and “Ona” for “Fiona.” Marlene had since curbed her bad habit of talking about Addie’s “Daddy” when the two were alone together after the first word debacle, and it thankfully seemed to have faded from the little girl’s vocabulary a bit.

“Are you feeling better dear? You had a bit of a nasty fever,” Fiona said, pushing Marlene’s hair from her sweaty forehead.

“Yes, I’m alright,” Marlene replied honestly. “Just a bit stiff,” she paused, “And dirty. Mer—um— _goodness,_ I could use a shower.”

Marlene’s heart began to race at her near slip. She had almost said _Merlin!_ That would not have gone over to well. Fiona would think she was losing her mind. Was she?

“Well you certainly don’t smell like a rose,” the older woman teased. “How about you take a nice shower, and Addie and I will get a little supper set for you? I’m sure you’re hungry.”

Marlene’s stomach rumbled loudly in agreement. The two women chuckled, and Addie poked curiously at her mother’s stomach.

“I’d say you’re quite right.”

“I’ll put some broth on then, and we can see if you’re up for more later.” Fiona patted her hand before scooping Addie up from the bed and leaving the room.

Several minutes later, Marlene stared unseeingly at the white tile of the shower wall. The water turned blindingly hot cascaded over her body, slicking her hair to her skin and washing the fever sweats down the drain. Her hands shook, and she had to brace them on either side of her head to steady them. The dreams or _memories_ or _visions_ had been so much more intense this time. So much more vivid. It had been so long since the last time she had lived a double life in her sleep; she thought it was over. She had written it off as a series of strange dreams produced by her yearning to have her true memories returned.

But now, _now,_ she couldn’t ignore it. The tantalizing possibility was too much to resist. She had to prove it somehow. She couldn’t just pick up Addie and go looking for the people she had dreamed about; it wasn’t safe.  Her last dreams had been of a world on the brink of open warfare, and that coupled with the strange circumstances of her admittance to the hospital a year and a half prior led her to believe that it would be more prudent to stay safe at Fiona’s. But she was a Gryffindor, and that meant she was supposed to be brave...but she wasn’t. She was scared. So she needed to find some way to prove that what she had dreamt was real without putting herself or Addie in danger.

“Argh!” Marlene exclaimed, slamming the flat of her palm against the tile in frustration.

How? _How?_

And then it hit her.  Pumpkin pasties.

Her dream-self had told Sirius she was allergic to pumpkins. As far as she knew, she had not consumed any pumpkin since waking up in the hospital, so there way no way for her to know if she was allergic to them or not. She would go to the market, buy a pumpkin, eat it and...well, if she got sick, it was true. And if she didn’t, then she was losing her mind.

 

.

 

         “Yes, yes! Fiona, _don’t worry,”_ Marlene assured her hostess as she struggled to pull on her trainers and don her jacket at the same time. “I feel fine!”

“Marlene, what has got you so worked up?” Fiona was anxiously watching Marlene dart back and forth trying to get her things together.

“Nothing! Nothing at all!” Marlene grinned manically as she strapped the baby carrier to her front. “Addie and I are just going to go on a little adventure.”

She picked her daughter up from where she had been playing on the floor, secured her in the carrier, waved goodbye to Fiona’s stunned face, and rushed out the door.

Once outside, the cool spring air felt like a slap in the face, and suddenly she was paralyzed with fear. What if it didn’t work? Was she prepared to accept that she was losing her sanity to wherever she had lost her memories? What would happen if she told Fiona? Would they take Addie away from her? Lock her up somewhere?

_No,_ she told herself. It would work. She just had to be confident. She was a Gryffindor, it was time to act like one. So with her shoulders as straight as they could be under the weight of Addie’s carrier, she marched into the market. It was the same one that she worked at, so she knew all of the employees by name.

“Timmy!” she called to the spotty teenager who was stocking produce.

“Oh, hi Marlene!” He grinned at her boyishly. “Are you feeling better? Heard you were a little under the weather.”

“Oh yes, I’m feeling much better,” Marlene assured him. “I was actually wondering if you could help me.”

He straightened up considerably, looking as if he felt much more important than he did seconds before.

“Of course, what’s up?”

“I need a pumpkin.”

“A pumpkin?” Timmy looked at her oddly. “Marlene, it’s May. We don’t have any pumpkins stocked.”

“Oh,” Marlene’s face fell. How stupid of her. Of course they didn’t have pumpkins.

“But we have canned pumpkin?” Timmy said hopefully. “Is that ok?”

“Yes!” Marlene grasped his arm excitedly, and he flushed. “Yes that’s perfect! Where is it?”

“Aisle f-four, I think,” the teen stammered out, directing her to the other side of the store.

“Wonderful. Thank you!” She rushed off in the direction he had indicated.

When Marlene returned, she deposited Addie in her playpen area and took her precious can of pumpkin into the kitchen. Fiona was seated at the small table, watching the young woman bustle about in pursuit of a can opener.

“Having a craving, are we?” Fiona asked in a mildly sardonic tone.

“Um, yeah,” Marlene said lamely. She had no desire to explain to Fiona what she was up to. “I just realized I haven’t eaten it since...I lost my memories,” her lie sounded terribly suspicious to her own ears.

“Uh huh,” Fiona made a scoffing noise, but turned back to the book she had been immersed in when Marlene returned.

Marlene, having successfully opened the can and retrieved a spoon, looked down at the orange, room temperature mush with resignation. She debated heating it first, but had to concede that she was far too anxious to wait.

But what if it didn’t work? What if she was fine? Did she really want to end up proving that she was only losing her mind? Perhaps it would be better to just-

_No,_ she scolded herself. She was no coward.

“Better hope I’m not allergic,” Marlene joked awkwardly to Fiona, and took a big bite.

 

.

 

         Forty minutes later found Marlene with her head in the toilet bowl, emptying her stomach. Fiona rubbed her back with a worried expression, and Marlene had to duck her head to hide her smile.

         It worked. She wasn’t crazy. They weren’t dreams. They were _memories._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

_May 13, 1974_

 

_“S’really not that bad,” Marlene mumbled through a mouthful of Chocolate Frog._

_“Not that bad. Not that bad? He’s an absolute troll, and I’ve see flobberworms with a higher maturity level,” Lily said imperiously without even looking up from her Charms text, as if the subject of James Potter was so beneath her that she could not even stop her previous activity to discuss him._

_Marlene scowled at her redheaded friend. She adored Lily, she really did—the muggleborn witch was her best friend aside from Sirius—but she was about at her wits end with Lily’s treatment of James. Marlene had never grown as close to James as she had to Sirius and Lily, but she still cared about him a great deal. He and Sirius were like two halves of the same person, making him quite the (not at all unwelcome) fixture in her life._

_“So what if he’s immature? He’s only a third year—just like you, in case you’ve forgotten,” Marlene joked, trying to lighten the mood. Lily Evans on a rant about James Potter was a dangerous thing._

_“Immature? Ha!” Lily exclaimed derisively. “That’s the least of his troubles. He wouldn’t be able to behave like a decent human being even if someone threatened to take away his precious broomstick!”_

_“Lily! Stop saying things like that. He’s my_ friend!”

_“And his favorite pastime is hurting_ my _friend!”_

_Lily finally tossed her book aside, focusing her glare on Marlene._

_“Please_ _tell me this isn’t about Snivellus.  Lily, he’s a creep and he hangs out with creepy people!”_

_“You too? Funny, I hadn’t noticed you’d become as cruel as that egomaniac and his psychotic time-bomb of a sidekick that you call friends!” Lily spat._

_Marlene could back down. To be fair, she had insulted Snape, Lily’s best friend. But Lily just insulted James and Sirius. James, an egomaniac? That was a bit of an exaggeration. And Sirius? Well, he wasn’t_ psychotic, _at least.  No matter how much truth there was to her accusations, nobody got away with that, not even Lily Evans._

_“Get out,” Marlene hissed._

_“What?” Lily asked dumbly, her green eyes wide in her flushed face._

_“I said GET OUT!”_

_And Marlene grabbed the first thing she could find—Chocolate Frog container—and hurled it at Lily. The little cardboard box fell short, for Lily was already halfway out the door._

 

.

 

_November 20, 1974_

 

_“Guess what! Guess what!” Mary Macdonald giggled as she hopped onto the foot of Marlene’s bed._

_“What?” Marlene replied, grinning._

_Mary was a small girl with soft brown hair and wide blue eyes set in a sweet face that seemed to endear her to just about everyone. She and Marlene had become quite close since Marlene and Lily had fought so viciously the year before. The two girls had barely spoken in six months; Marlene felt ridiculous, but if there was one thing she and Lily had in common, it was their ability to hold a grudge._

_“Emmeline...and Sirius!” Mary whispered._

_Marlene’s tongue seemed to swell to triple its normal size inside her mouth._

_“What?”_

_“Emmeline and Sirius! I just saw them snogging outside the portrait hole!” Mary seemed to blush at the memory. “I think they’ve only just gotten together, if he hasn’t told you about it yet.”_

_“Oh, yes...I’m sure,” Marlene said absently. What was that, his fourth girlfriend that year alone?_

_“Hmmph,” came a little noise from the other side of the room._

_Both Mary and Marlene jumped at the unexpected noise, only to notice Lily on her bed with her nose buried in a book, but clearly eavesdropping._

_“Got something stuck in your throat, Evans? I’m sure even you have trouble swallowing your own superiority complex every once in a while,” Marlene said sarcastically, earning a wince and a small gasp from Mary._

_“Not as much trouble as I’m sure you have choking down all that denial,” Lily returned with a knowing look._

_Marlene’s cheeks burned, but she had to hand it to the girl—she was good._

_With impeccably (in)convenient timing, the door to the room opened and Emmeline Vance flounced in. Her cheeks were flushed prettily, her eyes sparkled, and her chestnut waves looked flawless beside her un-freckled skin. Marlene’s expression darkened as she ran a hand over her own, flat_ boring _hair._

_“Oh you’re back!” Mary squealed, hopping off Marlene’s bed and accosting Emmeline._

_The other two Gryffindor girls disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Marlene and Lily sitting in a stiflingly awkward silence._

_“What are you thinking about?” Lily asked suddenly._

_Marlene turned to look at her, completely shocked at the other girl’s apparent civility._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Oh, you just looked like you were trying to use wandless magic to set fire to the bathroom. So what were you thinking about?”_

_“I was thinking about...” She paused as a small smile crept onto her face. “I was thinking about what Emmeline would look like bald, actually.”_

_Lily snorted, and Marlene found her smile broadening._

_“Absolutely dreadful, I’d say,” Lily said._

_The two girls chuckled at the thought of their roommate losing all her pretty hair, and for a moment all was forgiven._

 

.

 

_December 26, 1974_

_Marl -_

_Well, I was right. Christmas was just as rotten as last year. Actually, scratch that, it was worse. Dromeda sent Aunt Druella pictures of her kid—guess she thought it would be funny? –and it sent the whole bloody lot of them round the bend when the owl turned up with them in the middle of dinner. Kreacher brought it in on a silver platter, and Mum was so angry I thought she was going to behead the thing right there at the table. Although, in that case I wouldn’t have minded her killing the messenger. I know, sorry! I always forget that your elf is nice, unlike our foul, useless excuse for a..._

_Anyway, I suppose I still haven’t thanked you for the gifts. Did you like yours, by the way? Tell your mum the biscuits were the best thing I’ve eaten over the holiday. And tell Mack and Mal thanks for the magazine. Where did they find it? I’ve always admired those muggle motorbikes. I’m thinking I’ll get one now. What do you say? You’ll have to come for a ride when I do, but NO, I won’t let you drive. You think I’m daft enough to let you drive? I know insanity runs in my family, Marl, but you’re going to have to be content with being a passenger._

_But thanks for the earmuffs. I don’t know who placed the charm on them or where you got the idea, but they’re perfect. I can’t hear a thing! Really helps to block out the sound of Orion screaming at my mum._

_Those two could just off each other and leave Reg and I on our own, for all I care. We could move in with my Uncle Alphard, we’ll get Reg resorted into Gryffindor (or just out of Slytherin), and I’ll give Kreacher all the clothes in my mum’s wardrobe if that’ll get me rid of him. Feels good to dream, doesn’t it?_

_Really, though. Those two are always going at it. Orion’s always drunk, and Mum’s tongue gets sharper every time she opens her mouth, I swear. I was eavesdropping on them in the study a few days ago, and I didn’t hear what she said, but whatever it was made him really angry.  He tried to hit her but she cursed him! I didn’t know who to root for. I didn’t expect her to pull out her wand though. Do you think she’d pull it on me if I charmed the portraits to insult her hairstyles again?_

_I’ve got to get out of here, Marl. It just gets worse every time I come home. I hate them a little bit more too._

_Well this is a dreadfully depressing letter. Sorry to ruin your holiday, but I’m too lazy to go and write you a proper one. You’ll just have to manage._

_\- Sirius_

_ps. Do you think you could send another pair of those earmuffs for Reg? I don’t want him to hear it._

 

_December 27, 1974_

_Sirius -_

_Enclosed is another pair of earmuffs for Regulus. I’ve really only been buying standard pairs from a muggle store and having Michael charm them for me. I was going to get him a green pair; I figured the little git would like that. But then again, I’m your friend, not his. So I got him red... Hope you’re happy. _

_The itching powder was brilliant, by the way. My favorite gift. It was just what I needed. I put it the twins’ shampoo. It took them all day to figure out where it was coming from, but then they thought it was Max that did it, and they’ve been pranking him mercilessly ever since. Not even Mer has the heart to tell them off, though, because they’re so happy._

_I miss my dad. I really do. But this is our third Christmas since he passed, and Mum still barely leaves her room. She didn’t come out for the entire day on Christmas. So the biscuits aren’t from her.  Mer and I made them, so if they taste different, that’s why. My Aunt Moira gave us the recipe. I think she’s going to move to the manor permanently to take care of Mum. She looks so sad sometimes too; she lost both of her brothers._

_And now I feel terrible for being so depressing! I know that I’m the only one your parents still let you write to, so I suppose that means you expect me to lighten the mood or something. Well...that’s James’ job, so you’ll just have to ride it out._

_Now that we’ve established I probably won’t be much help in cheering you up: the hippogriff in the room. What has gotten into your parents? I know they’re rotten people, but hitting and cursing each other? If you need to get out, you’re welcome here. They’d never let you go to the Potters’, but my family hasn’t really come out of the blood traitor closet yet, so we’re probably still an acceptable destination._

_On a higher note, yes, I agree with you. I’ve tried to fight it, but...Kreacher is a vile little thing. But as for a topic I disagree with you on: this motorbike business. What do you mean you’re never going to let me drive? I’m not saying I won’t get us killed or anything, but I can’t be more dangerous than you._

_I’m sorry this is such a scattered letter. I wish I had an excuse, but I don’t really. Oh well. Write me again when you get this?_

_Always,_

_Marlene_

_ps. What’s your opinion on a flying motorbike?_

_pps. I know you hate it there, but you’ll be seventeen in less than two years. And then you’re free for the rest of your life._

 

.

 

_September 28, 1975_

 

_“You must be so proud of them,” Dorcas said emphatically, her blue eyes wide and shining._

_“Proud of them? Why would I be proud that my twin brothers have joined an organization that’s going to get them killed? The last thing I need is more dead family members,” Marlene grumbled in response._

_Dorcas, Lily, and Marlene were stretched out in the grass by the lake, enjoying the last warmth of the fall sunshine.  They were discussing Marlene’s most recent grievance: her twin brothers had officially joined the Order of the Phoenix._

_“Yes, but they’re fighting for something they believe in. They’re fighting for you, for me, for all the people that have lost their lives to this stupid war. They’re fighting for your father, Marley. I think that’s pretty heroic,” Lily said passionately. She hadn’t discussed it yet, but Marlene had a suspicion that her redheaded friend was already planning to join the Order when she came of age herself._

_“I just wish they would leave being a hero to someone else.”_

_“You can’t surely mean that?” Dorcas said incredulously. “How can you ask them_ not _to fight?”_

_“Because I’ve already lost three family members to this madness! My uncle, my cousin, my_ father. _I don’t want to lose the rest of my family too. I just want everyone to be safe.” Marlene wiped furiously at her eyes, sweeping away the offending moisture. “But now they’re_ all _going to get themselves killed!”_

_“All of them? I thought it was just the twins.” Lily asked._

_“Yes,” Marlene took a deep breath. “I got the letter this morning. Michael, Merrick, Calum, and Aunt Moira were approached to join You-Know-Who, but they declined. They’ve declared for the Order now too. We can’t even pretend to be neutral anymore. My family crest might as well be in the shape of a target now.”_

_Lily and Dorcas were silent. After all, what could they say to make her feel better? Almost her entire family had essentially signed their own death warrants. What was she supposed to do? Just sit around and wait until she’d buried everyone she loved?_

 

.

 

_August 11, 1981_

 

“Happy birthday, dear Addie. Happy birthday to you,” Marlene sang under her breath.

It was Addie’s first birthday, and the little girl was balanced on her mother’s hip, playing with the ends of Marlene’s blonde hair.

“Mumma,” Addie crooned, patting at her mother’s collarbone.

Marlene’s throat suddenly felt tight as she was overcome with a wave of emotion. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Addie should have been surrounded by people that loved her on this day. She should have been passed around to her adoring aunts and uncles. She should be playing with her cousins; surely Michael, Merrick, and maybe even the twins had children already. She should have received piles of muggle toys from Lily, Dorcas, and Mary that would baffle the rest of the guests. Sirius should have been able to complain to the Marauders that his little girl was going to come home with a boyfriend before long. But instead there was just Marlene, Fiona at the hospital like always, and a house that didn’t feel like home in a world where she didn’t belong. Not for the first time, she questioned her decision to wait for the complete return of her memories.

“I’m sorry, angel,” Marlene whispered, burying her face in Addie’s neck and inhaling her sweet baby-smell. “I’m so sorry.”

Addie only giggled at the sensation of her mother’s breath tickling her neck.

“Soon. I promise we’ll go back soon. I just need to make sure it’s safe.”

Marlene sighed and looked down at her daughter. Twelve months to the day and she was so beautiful. With her dark hair and pale gray eyes, she looked just like Sirius. Marlene may not have reached her memories of adulthood and Addie’s conception yet, but there was no way anyone else could be her father, especially considering the worn note from Lily that she kept in her drawer. It broke her heart that Sirius was missing his daughter’s first birthday.

“I have an idea!” she cried to Addie, who only shrieked back in response. “Let’s take a picture for your daddy, what do you say?”

A half hour later found Marlene with a disposable muggle camera filled with photos of Addie, and her sense of melancholy returned. She didn’t know how much longer she could wait. She didn’t want Sirius to see his daughter grow up through photographs. She didn’t want to be without the people she loved for one more day.

 

.

 

_October 4, 1975_

 

_Marlene found Sirius in the Owlery._

_“You know, I’ve been looking for you for ages,” she said quietly, sliding down the stone wall to sit beside him on the dirty floor._

_“Why didn’t you ask one of the Marauders? You’re always going on about how we’re freakishly good at finding people.” Despite his feeble attempt at humor, his voice held no mirth._

_“Don’t you know me at all? I’d rather snog a Slytherin than ask for help,” she joked, trying to coax a smile out of him.  She didn’t know what was wrong, but he’d been missing since breakfast._

_“I don’t think I’d snog a Slytherin for all the galleons in Gringotts. Slimy bunch of snakes, they are.”_

_“Couldn’t have said it better myself.”_

_The pair sat in silence for several minutes until Marlene finally found the courage to address the reason they were both sitting on the cold, dirty floor of the owlery when they should have been enjoying the surprisingly mild October weather out by the lake with their friends._

_“Sirius, what’s wrong?”_

_“What’s wrong? Ha!” His usual barking laugh fell flat. “Gee, I don’t know Marl, lots of things are wrong. There’s a madman trying to take over the world, Slytherin has more House points than we do, Patricia the Ravenclaw turned out to be a terrible shag, your dad’s dead, eighty witches and wizards and Merlin knows how many muggles are dead, and we have no idea who’s next. No one is safe anymore. It might be an Order member, it might be you, it might be me, it—”_

_“Sirius!” Marlene interrupted. Her blood was rushing in her ears, and her throat felt tight. Was that moisture on her cheeks? “Stop it! I—I don’t want to listen to you say those things. I know everything’s fucked! My whole family’s in the Order now! I wait everyday for a letter to come and tell me that I’m down another loved one.”_

_Sirius hung his head. “I’m sorry, Marl. I—I know you’re worried about your family. I shouldn’t have said all that. It’s just...”_

_“What happened?” she asked gently, lying one hand on his shoulder and wiping at her stubborn tears with the other._

_“My Uncle Alphard’s dead,” he paused, and Marlene opened her mouth to speak, but he continued in a rush as if the words burned his tongue. “I don’t know why or where, but he got into a fight with some Deatheaters, and—and they killed him. He was in pieces._ Pieces, _Marl.”_

_Marlene didn’t say anything; she knew that comforting words didn’t mean much to Sirius anyway. She squeezed shoulder and remained quiet so he could continue._

_“It happened over a week ago, and they only just told me. That’s not even the worst part, though. Apparently, he left me all his gold. My parents thought that it was too much of an insult for him to go down fighting against the cause he was supposed to stand for, only to leave all of his gold to his blood traitor nephew, so they’ve blasted him off the family tapestry. I’m not even supposed to call him ‘Uncle’ anymore.”_

_He drew in a shuddering breath, and Marlene’s chest felt tight as she noticed the moisture pooling at the base of his eyelashes._

_“He was more of a father to me than that—that bastard_. _And now he’s gone. How can he just be gone?”_

_“No matter—” Marlene’s voice cracked. She swallowed hard. “No matter what your parents say or do, he’ll always be your family. No one can take that away from you.”_

_“Why are they such monsters?” Sirius gasped out before turning and burying his head in Marlene’s shoulder._

_Marlene stiffened, her heart pounding, but she relaxed when she felt the wetness of tears glide along her collarbone and collect in the hollow of her throat. She didn’t say anything, not knowing what to say, so she held his hand as tight as she could and combed her fingers through his hair. Trying to soothe, trying to heal, but she didn’t know how to take away that kind of pain._

_She didn’t know how long they sat there, but Sirius’ breathing finally calmed, and he pulled away, sitting up straight against the wall.  His cheeks were flushed and he was staring stubbornly at anything but her. He was embarrassed. She had to resist the urge to roll her eyes._

_“Don’t be—”_

_But she didn’t get to finish her thought because his lips were on hers, hard, sloppy, and salty from his tears. Marlene thought her heart was going to burst from her chest and float away. She was in heaven; this was everything she wanted, this was...wrong._

_“Sirius, stop,” she groaned pushing him away. “You don’t have to try to get into my knickers just because I saw you cry.”_

_He looked away, chewing nervously on his lip. “I wasn’t.”_

_“Yes, you were. I know you,” she sighed. Why was she doing this? She_ wanted _to kiss him. “I know you’re embarrassed, but you—you don’t have to be.” She grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly. “I’m your friend, aren’t I? Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re any less of a man,” she teased, trying to ease the tension._

_Like someone had cut the string that held him up, Sirius’ shoulders sagged, and he slumped against the stone. He leaned his head back, staring vacantly up at the rafters filled with sleeping owls._

_“When will it stop hurting, Marl?” His voice was so quiet she almost thought she’d imagined it._

_“I don’t know if it ever does.”_

 

_._

 

_November 24, 1975_

 

_“For Merlin’s sake, Lily, what is going on?” Marlene groaned, following her friend down another twisting passageway. “What are we even doing in this part of the castle? Where the hell are we?”_

_“We’re on the sixth floor. Honestly, it doesn’t even matter. I—I just want to tell you something, and I don’t want to be overheard,” Lily said firmly._

_“Overheard? By what? The cobwebs?” she grumbled, brushing a mess of dust and spider webs from her shoulders._

_Lily didn’t say anything, stopping suddenly in front of a classroom door._

_“What’s this?”_

_“Oh, I think it was an old Divination classroom before they moved it to a tower,” Lily replied absently._

_“That’s lovely, but why are we here?”_

_Instead of responding, Lily flung the door open and shoved Marlene through it._

_“Hey you can’t—”_

_“SURPRISE!”_

_“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”_

_“Ah!” Marlene shrieked as the darkened room suddenly blazed with light. “What is this?” she gasped, still trying to catch her breath._

_Lily stood beside her with a smirk on her face as the pair surveyed the room. The disused classroom was full of conjured couches and chairs; there was a table laden with food, a large birthday cake, and a substantial amount of butterbeer and Firewhiskey. A fire blazed in the hearth, providing a pleasant flow of warmth. Scattered about the room were her friends and family. Mack and Mal were standing near the fire with James, Max was looking very pleased and very nervous between Mary and Emmeline, and Dorcas was near the food table with Remus and Peter. Sirius stood in the middle of the room with his hands clasped behind his back, smirking and looking rather pleased with himself. He looked so handsome; Marlene felt as if her stomach and heart had switched places._

_“Did you do all this?” she hissed at him, her cheeks burning from all the eyes on her._

_“Don’t be ridiculous, Marl. Do you honestly think I’m this organized? No, Evans and I teamed up.” He shot a cheeky wink at Lily, who scowled and stalked over to join Dorcas, Remus, and Peter._

_“You mean to tell me that you and Lily got along long enough to plan me a birthday party? I don’t believe it,” Marlene said incredulously._

_“Well, her only condition was that Prongs not be involved.”_

_Two hours later found the Gryffindor fifth years (plus Dorcas) dipping heavily into the alcohol and lazing about the room. Mack and Mal had hustled Max out of the room and back to the tower when the Firewhiskey came out._

_“This is perfect,” Marlene sighed. “It almost feels like…like it would if there were no war, I guess.”_

_She sat on the ground beside Sirius, both leaning back against one of the sofas._

_“That’s what we were going for,” he replied before taking a long pull on his bottle of butterbeer._

_A soft smile drifted over her face as she observed her friends all enjoying themselves and letting go of the stress and worry that seemed to be their constant companion in those dark days._

_“Remus looks rather ill, doesn’t he?” she noted, nodding her chin in his direction._

_Marlene and Remus weren’t overly close. He was on the bookish side, while Marlene spent no more time than was absolutely necessary in the library. She also had a feeling he’d never really gotten over seeing her crack Avery’s skull on the dungeon floor in first year._

_“Hm? Oh – er – yeah he does, I guess,” Sirius mumbled, fidgeting nervously._

_“Probably because it’s almost that time of the month, yeah?” Marlene prodded._

_She was rewarded when Sirius choked on his butterbeer and spluttered unattractively._

_“What? Wh – what are you talking about?”_

_“Don’t insult my intelligence, Sirius. Lily and I figured it out over a year ago.”  She grinned smugly, feeling quite proud of herself._

_If she were being honest, she’d have to admit that Lily had figured it out and consulted with Marlene, but Sirius didn’t need to know that._

_“Please, please, don’t tell anyone!” he pleaded._

_“Relax…Padfoot,” she baited. “So when are you going to tell me about that one? Because if Remus is Moony, how’d you earn your nickname?”_

_“S’not important,” Sirius mumbled, making Marlene giggle._

 

_._

 

_April 5, 1976_

 

_“Marlene! Marlene!” Lily’s frantic voice roused Marlene from her nap._

_“What do you want?” she grumbled, burying her face deeper into her pillow._

_“Mary’s in the Hospital Wing! She’s been attacked,” Lily said breathlessly, already yanking Marlene from bed._

_“What? What happened?”_

_“They don’t know! She’s not awake yet. Apparently Emmeline found her and brought her to Madame Pomfrey.”_

_Marlene nodded numbly. The peace she had felt since the wonderful party on her birthday had been shattered._

_The two girls skidded into the infirmary just in time to see Madame Pomfrey fussing over a very pale, very upset, but very much awake Mary._

_“Mary!” Lily shouted, rushing over to her bed._

_“Girls! I must insist you let Miss MacDonald rest. She’s been through quite the ordeal and—”_

_“No, I want them to stay,” Mary said firmly. Marlene was impressed; she’d never heard the normally timid girl sound so confident._

_“Very well,” the nurse conceded. “I’ll give you twenty minutes, but no longer!”_

_As soon as she disappeared, Marlene and Lily rounded on Mary._

_“Are you alright?” Lily asked earnestly._

_“Tell us what happened,” Marlene demanded at the same moment, earning a disapproving glance from Lily._

_“I’m alright,” Mary assured Lily before answering Marlene. “I’m not exactly sure...It was Mulciber. I was coming from a meeting with Professor Slughorn, and he was in the hallway and—oh it_ hurt. _It hurt so badly, but I don’t know what curse he used. He was going to do more, I think, but then someone told him there were people coming. It’s all sort of foggy after that; I think Emmeline found me. He—he said it was b-because I was a m—”_

_“Shh,” Lily soothed. “You don’t have to say it.”_

_Mary nodded thankfully, silent tears streaming down her face._

_“I’ll kill him,” Marlene snarled._

_“You will do no such thing!” Lily snapped._

_Marlene shrugged in response. Maybe she wouldn’t, but_ someone _ought to..._

 

_._

 

_April 13, 1976_

 

_“Sirius, what on Earth is wrong with you? What’s going on?” Marlene blurted as Sirius dragged her up the staircase to the boy’s dormitory. It was Sunday, just after breakfast._

_Sirius shut the door behind them and began to pace the small round room restlessly, tugging at his hair that had grown long in the past several months. He had a pained look on his face. With a sudden roar, he whirled around and slammed his fist into the wall. Marlene winced._

_“Sirius, stop! You’re scaring me.”_

_“Sorry, I’m sorry,” he apologized earnestly. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”_

_“It’s okay. Just tell me what’s going on.”_

_“I,” he paused, drawing in a raking breath. “I did something bad. Really bad.”_

_Marlene felt her blood turn to ice at his words. At heart, Sirius was a good, kind person, but he also harbored quite a bit of darkness and was frighteningly reckless. He had learned his fair share of Dark Magic growing up at Grimmauld Place, and he didn’t hesitate to use it if he thought the situation appropriate—which was far too often. If he was this torn up over what he had done, it had to be something really really terrible._

_“What did you do?” she asked delicately, placing a hand lightly on his forearm._

_He stubbornly shook his head._

_“It’s okay, you can tell me,” she soothed as her stomach turned to lead._

_“Last night I told Snivellus how to get into the Shack.”_

_At first, it didn’t even register._

_“The Shack? But last night was—” And Marlene jerked away from him. “Last night was the full moon!”_

_“He was—he was just saying all this shit, and talking about Regulus, and he made a joke about what happened to Mary, and he—and I just—I snapped!”_

_“You snapped...” Marlene whispered.  “YOU JUST SNAPPED?! IS HE EVEN STILL ALIVE?”_

_“Yes! Yes Prongs stopped him! It’s okay—”_

_“NO! No it is not okay! You could have gotten him killed! You would have turned Remus into a MURDER! DID YOU EVEN THINK OF THAT?”_

_“NO DAMMIT! Of course I didn’t think of that! But then he went charging off, and when I realized what I’d done, I told Prongs and—”_

_“And you’re lucky you did! You could have been expelled! Snivellus would be dead, and Remus would be in Azkaban!”_

_“I KNOW!”_

_“If you know,” Marlene growled, stalking up to him and balling her hand into a fist. “Then what—” She punched his shoulder. “The bloody—” She punched his stomach. “Hell is wrong with you?” She kicked his knee as hard as she could and he dropped to the floor._

_“I—”_

_But he was cut off as the door to the dormitory suddenly opened behind them. Marlene whirled around, forgetting completely about Sirius crouched on the ground in front of her when she saw the remaining three Marauders in the doorway._

_“Ah, are we doling out our own punishments now? I personally don’t think the detentions until OWLs that Dumbledore gave him was enough either. I think the would-be murderer deserves much worse, too,” James drawled with more bitterness in his voice than Marlene had ever heard before._

_Sirius’ sharp intake of breath from behind her made her heart clench. She could only imagine how much James’ words were hurting him._

_“I—er.” She didn’t know what to say. What side was she supposed to take here?_

_Remus had an inscrutable expression on his face, and Peter was looking at Sirius’ kneeling form with more malice than she had thought the small boy capable of._

_“Don’t worry, Marley, I’ll take it from here,” James said, pushing past Marlene and reaching for his wand._

_It was as if she had been possessed, and her body acted of its own volition._

_“STOP!” She threw herself back in front of Sirius, her arms spread wide, trying to shield him. “What are you_ doing?”

         _“You can’t honestly be defending him? Do you know what he’s done?” Peter interjected, pushing past Remus in the doorway to join James._

_“I—” Why was she doing this? Merlin forgive her, but she just_ couldn’t _let them hurt him. “Yes. Yes I know what happened,” she said, sounding much more confident than she felt._

_“Then step aside. Black doesn’t deserve your sympathy or your protection,” James said, his voice stiff._

_Marlene’s jaw dropped at the way James addressed Sirius. He knew that was one of the cruelest things he could have said. Squaring her shoulders, she turned around, grabbed Sirius by the neck of his robes, and dragged him to his feet._

_“I know he doesn’t deserve my sympathy or protection, but he’s got it,” she hissed at James. “Now_ you _step aside.”_

_When neither James nor Peter responded, she pushed past them, pulling a limping Sirius behind her. She offered Remus an apologetic glance as she passed him in the doorway, but his usually warm amber eyes were cold, and she felt like a disappointing child under his gaze, so she looked away and hastily pulled the door shut as they exited the room._

_“You’re stronger than you look,” Sirius said as she helped him down the stairs to the common room._

_Marlene sighed. She couldn’t get Remus’ stony expression out of her mind._

_“Why did you do that, back up there?” he asked when she didn’t respond._

_“Well I wasn’t just going to stand there and watch,” she admitted through gritted teeth._

_She settled Sirius on one of the sofas and set about healing the damage she’d done to his knee. She’d let the punches she’d landed on his shoulder and stomach bruise. Merlin knew he deserved it._

_“So does this mean…” he began tentatively._

_“No. I do not forgive you. I still think you’re a colossal idiot,” she responded, trying to sound harsh, but already feeling her resolve slipping. Damn him._

_“Then why did you defend me? I deserve everything they want to throw at me—punches, insults, curses.” His silvery eyes were filled with sorrow, and it broke her heart._

_She let the silence rest for a minute as she finished healing his knee._

_“Maybe you do. But I couldn’t just...because Sirius, I...”_

_I love you._

_“Ugh, never mind. Lets go throw trip jinxes at Slytherins before you try to kill anyone else.”_

 

_._

 

_July 28, 1976_

 

_Marlene’s cheeks hurt from smiling. The entire McKinnon family had descended upon the manor for the weekend, and the July sunshine painted the days golden._

_Everyone was outside, and from her position tucked into one of the patio chairs, she had a full view. Her cousin Calum—looking happier than she’d seen him since his father and brother were killed—was playing a game of Wizard’s Chess against Mack and Mal; even as a team, the twins were losing miserably. Her Aunt Moira was having a spirited discussion with Merrick and Michael’s new fiancée, Katherine Bell—a pretty muggleborn witch whose younger brother, Joshua, was in the year above Marlene at Hogwarts.  Max was practicing keeping—hoping to make the team for his fifth year now that the old keeper had graduated—on the makeshift pitch they had set up on the Great Lawn with Tyler Robards, Merrick’s American boyfriend.  Her mother, Deirdre, and her Aunt Andrea were sipping cool glasses of tea under the fig tree; the two widows seemed to find comfort in each other’s presence._

_“I forgot I could be this happy,” Michael’s voice came from behind her left shoulder._

_She grinned at her older brother as he conjured a chair and settled himself down beside her.  Michael was twenty-three now, and he had grown into a kind, handsome man. But the stress of the war and becoming the head of their family at only eighteen had taken a toll on him; there was a guarded pain hidden in his brown eyes—so like Marlene’s own, would hers look like that one day?—that made her heart hurt._

_“You’re not the only one,” she mused, offering him a small smile. “I feel...light.”_

_“You look light; I’m so glad that you’re happy. That’s all I want for you, Marl,” Michael said sincerely, reaching over to tuck some of her hair behind her ear._

_“You worry too much. You’re allowed to not worry sometimes. Just be happy, you know?”_

_She would never tell a soul, but Michael had always been her favorite. He’d always seemed to understand her better than the others.  All of her siblings had such singular identities. Michael was the oldest—an exceptional Auror, wise, kind, honorable, responsible, brave—he was universally adored. Merrick was stunning, accomplished, and the perfect lady. Mack and Mal were funny, merry, charming pranksters. Max was the baby, the Quidditch star, the innocent._

_But Marlene was just...Marlene. And she was okay with that. She didn’t need to fill an archetype, be the best or the most loved or the center of attention. She had a temper—but not as bad as Sirius’. She was good at Potions—but not as good as Snivellus.  She was powerful—but not as powerful as Dorcas.  She liked pranks—but not as much as the twins.  She was brave - but not as brave as Michael. She was pretty—but not as pretty as Merrick.  She was just herself, nothing special. But Michael always looked at her like she was special, always talked to her like she was smart, always told her she was beautiful.  She didn’t feel unexceptional around him._

_“I think I’ve found my little corner of happiness, actually,” Michael smiled fondly in Katherine’s direction._

_Marlene grinned at him. “She’s really, really lovely. I like her a lot.”_

_“So you think she’s good enough for your big brother, do you?” he teased._

_“She makes you happy, doesn’t she?”_

_Michael nodded, and the sadness in his eyes seemed to evaporate, if only for a moment._

_“Then I couldn’t ask for anything more from her.”_

 

_._

 

_October 10, 1981_

 

He rolled over on the mattress on the floor, staring up at the ceiling bathed in the soft morning light.  He could hear the dull roar of the ocean through the open window. The breeze coming through it was unseasonably cold for early October; he should probably close it.  But he liked the sound of the ocean.

She had always loved to listen to the waves.

Groaning, he ground the heels of his hands into his sore eyes. Another night of tears and Firewhiskey had left him worse for wear once again. Not that there was anyone around to see him looking like a cross between an alcoholic and a corpse. Prongs and Lily were in hiding with Harry, Wormtail was safely tucked away as well, Moony was Merlin knows where, and she...Marlene was dead.

Marlene, Marlene. It always came back to her. Her memory had devoured his every thought, spitting them out and leaving each one tinged with some essence of her. The pain of losing her had woven itself into every moment, every memory, everything around him.  He had come to view the world through the agonizing lens of Would Haves.  Every beautiful day—she would have spent hours in that sunshine. Every time he saw the ocean—she would have begged to play in the waves. Every time he saw a woman with her child—she was so excited to be a mother.

He wasn’t sure why, but something about that morning was worse than recent ones. He felt more distant from her. Was he forgetting her? Impossible. He would keep her memory close until the day he died, no matter how it hurt. But he felt the need to be close to her that day.

He rolled out of bed, put on the first clothes he found, pulled his shaggy hair back into a little ponytail, donned his leather jacket—a present from _her—_ and left the little cottage.

Sirius took a deep breath and apparated to McKinnon Manor.

 

.

 

Marlene couldn’t wait any longer.

She had woken only moments before, but her last memory had been so wonderful, so incredibly wonderful, that she just couldn’t wait. She wanted to see her family; she wanted to see them so desperately. It was time for her and Addie to take a little trip.

She was going to go home.

The McKinnon Manor wasn’t too far from Edinburgh; it would only take her the better part of the morning to get there. She showered and dressed in a rush before packing a bag for Addie, and a spot of lunch for herself.  Though her hostess would be at the hospital all day, she scrawled a note for Fiona just in case.

Perhaps she was being rash, but once she was behind the wheel of the beat-up little compact sedan she had purchased for herself a few months ago, she could barely contain her excitement.

“We’re going to see our family, angel,” she said excitedly to her daughter, peeking behind her to the car seat.

Addie babbled adorably in response.

 

.

 

Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets and stared up at the charred husk of Marlene’s childhood home. He wasn’t sure what he had expected to find there. Would her scent linger on the breeze? The air smelled only of earth and ash. Would he hear her laughter echoing off the burned, collapsing walls? There was no sound; only the silence of too many lives lost for senseless hate.

He approached the ruin that had once been a grand manor house, the sound of his footfalls changing as he walked from the dry, dead grass, to the gravel walk, to the ash. Reaching into the rubble, Sirius scooped up a handful of ash. Its scent was acrid and burned his nostrils; he relished it. 

With a quick wave of his wand, he transfigured the handful of ash into a single, dark crimson rose. The flower of mourning. There was nothing for him there. There was nothing for him anywhere anymore.

He glanced up at the sky. It looked like it might rain.

He placed the rose carefully in the ash, and with a loud crack that ripped through the stillness of the scene—but only for a moment—he apparated away.

 

.

 

Thanks to her slowly returning memories, she knew the way home without needing directions, but when her car came around the final bend in the drive, she thought for a moment that she had taken a wrong turn. She was not greeted by a vast manor with well-kept gardens and a lantern beside the door always lit as a sign of welcome.  She was greeted by a scar.

She turned off the engine, and clambered out of the driver’s seat in a haze, not bothering with a jacket or umbrella for the slight drizzle. Addie was asleep in the backseat, so Marlene left her behind. Each step as she approached the remains of her home was harder than the one before; it felt as if the ground was reaching up and wrapping round her ankles, trying to keep her away from the horror of the scene in front of her.

Where was her family? Where was her home? With an anguished cry, she sank to her knees in the ash, tilting her face up to the gray sky. The smell that invaded her nostrils and slicked itself onto her tongue was not right. She should have smelt juniper and baking bread, not the acrid tang of smoke and sweetn... _what was that smell_?

Opening her eyes, she lowered her head to the ground before her.  Lying innocently in the ash, as if it had been there forever or perhaps only a few minutes, was a single, solitary rose.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the formatting's a little weird. I don't know why, but I couldn't fix it. Enjoy...

  _October 14, 1981_

Marlene rubbed at her eyes before taking another sip of coffee. It had been four days since her ill-fated trip with Addie to McKinnon Manor. She had returned with tear tracks on her cheeks and shaking hands, but when Fiona asked what happened, she only shook her head and retreated upstairs. But not to sleep, no not to sleep. The memories only came when she slept, and she didn’t want to know more. She was scared, so she stayed awake.

Marlene poured herself another cup of coffee. She was so tired.

“You’re looking a bit peaky, dearie,” Fiona said late that afternoon when she returned from her shift at the hospital. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Hm?” Marlene turned her attention from the view out the window to the older woman. “Oh yes, I’m f—f...ine,” she stuttered out through a yawn.

“Have you been sleeping? Marlene, you look exhausted.” She sounded genuinely concerned now.

“Yes. I was just restless last night, that’s all,” she defended.

“Alright. Now where’s our little Miss Addie?”

“I was just about to wake her up from her nap,” Marlene replied, as she rose, feeling like a zombie, and left the room.

Having roused and changed Addie, she returned downstairs to help Fiona with dinner. She set Addie on the kitchen floor, leaving the little girl to crawl about and cruise in circles around the table using the chair backs for support.

“I was thinking about roasting some—” she said over her shoulder as she washed the potatoes.

“Marlene,” Fiona interrupted her. “Look.”

Marlene turned around to see Addie standing unsteadily with one hand grasping a chair and the other stretched towards her mother.

“Do you think she’s going to…?” she whispered to the older woman.

Fiona nodded. Marlene stepped forward, leaning down and stretching her arms out towards her daughter.

“Addie! Come here little angel! Come to mummy,” she crooned, smiling and beckoning to the little girl.

With a determined frown on her little pink mouth, Addie took one tentative step, released the chair, and then toddled the remaining three feet on her chubby legs into Marlene’s waiting arms.

“You did it! Fiona, she walked!” Marlene crowed happily, spinning her daughter in a circle and earning delighted shrieks and claps from the little girl.

“She sure did! Oh I remember when my boys started. Never could keep them still after that,” Fiona said fondly, laying a hand across her breast.

Marlene beamed down at Addie. Her daughter’s first steps; she was so proud. With a sinking sensation in her stomach, her smile slid right off her face. Sirius should have been there. 

That night, after helping Fiona wash up after dinner, she made her way upstairs with a sleepy Addie in her arms. She had a feeling the exhausted, droopy-eyed expression on her daughter’s face mirrored her own. If avoiding the memories for a bit was the price of no sleep, well, she supposed it was worth it. After seeing the destruction that had befallen her family home she found herself filled with doubts. What if she were to discover that everyone she loved had perished? True, she had been lamenting the fact that Sirius had not been there to see Addie’s first steps, but it would be so much worse if it turned out he was dead and would never see his daughter at all.  Her mind reeled as she went over possible scenarios that could have befallen her friends and family, each one more terrible than the last.  The world of her memories was a world of magic, but it had also proven to be a world in turmoil with plenty of suffering. 

After readying Addie for bed, she settled into the old rocking chair in the corner of her old room and pulled out one of the children’s books that Fiona had kept around from when her own sons were little.  Not two pages in, however, she found her eyelids beginning to droop.  She shook her head roughly, and continued on.

 . 

_August 3, 1976_

         _“The chicken is delicious, Mrs. Potter,” Marlene said honestly before bringing another forkful of the roasted meat to her mouth._

_Mack and Mal had come to Potter Manor that afternoon to meet with James’ parents about some Order business, and Marlene had come along to spend a few hours with James, having no other plans for her day. Her brothers returned home, but she decided to stay for dinner._

_“How many times must I ask you to call me Dorea, dear?” James’ mum asked kindly. “And I am afraid that it is the house elves’ cooking that you praise so kindly, and not my own.”_

_But Marlene didn’t get a chance to respond because in that moment, they were interrupted by the sound of the fireplace roaring to life in the next room, and a dull thud as someone tumbled out of it._

_“Charlus?” Dorea turned to her husband, confusion writ on her elegantly lined face. “Were you expecting someone?”_

_Charlus shook his head and turned to his son. “James?”_

_“Nope,” James replied, popping the P._

_“I’ll go see who it is.” Mr. Potter rose from the table, and with his wand drawn, walked carefully into the next room._

_Dorea, James, and Marlene waited with bated breath until—_

_“DOREA! Dorea come quick!”_

_“Mum?” James asked, rising from his chair to follow his mother. “What’s going on?” He turned to Marlene._

_“Oh, come on,” she huffed, grabbing his arm and yanking him through the doorway._

_The sight that greeted them made her dinner rise in her throat. “NO!” she screamed, falling to her knees._

_“PADFOOT!” James howled, lurching forward._

_The Potters were crouched over Sirius’ battered form sprawled in front of the fireplace.  There were bruises darkening on his face, his arm was clearly broken, and there was a deep gash on his abdomen that stretched from the base of his left ribs to meet his right hip that had sinister looking black lines spiraling and twisting out from it. A curse wound, dark magic._

_Marlene tried to crawl towards him, reaching, reaching—_

_“Charlus! Get them out of here! I need to work!” Dorea shouted, running her wand over the wound on Sirius’ stomach and muttering under her breath._

_“No! I’m not leaving!” James shouted, trying to elbow his way past his father._

_Marlene scrambled across the floor, trying to reach Sirius around James and Charlus. His blood was pooling on the ground far too quickly. The knees of Dorea’s robes were soaked from where she knelt beside him, and Marlene watched with detached fascination as the lilac fabric slowly bled to red._

_“Get them out!” Dorea screamed once more as Marlene reached out for Sirius._

_Her fingers just brushed his wrist when she was yanked to her feet by a strong grip around her upper arm. Before she had even a moment to register what had happened, she was thrown from the room alongside James._

_“You can’t keep us out!” James bellowed, throwing his shoulder into the door to no avail. It had been locked and warded from the other side._

_On unsteady legs, Marlene went to him, wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and the two teens sunk to their knees in a heap, their sides pressed to the door.  Charlus’ wards blocked any noise coming from the other room, but James had his ear pressed to the wood regardless._

_Hours later when the horizon was starting to fade to a dusky purple heralding the dawn, Dorea slipped through the door.  Her graying hair was pulled haphazardly into a knot at the base of her neck, and there was a smear of dried and cracking blood on her pale cheekbone._

_The elderly woman held up a shaking hand to silence James and Marlene’s questions before they could make a sound._

_“He’s going to be alright. He’s fighting down a fever, but it should break soo—”_

_“Can we see him?” James blurted, interrupting his mother._

_“Just for a few minutes,” Dorea nodded, and James was up and dashing through the door before Marlene even had a chance to register Mrs. Potter’s words._

_Sirius had been moved to the couch, and the spot in front of the fireplace was cleaned of blood. Marlene thanked Merlin for small favors; she didn’t know if she could handle the sight of him lying in that pool of red again.  Sweat slicked his pale face, but the wound on his abdomen was mostly healed into an angry red line left visible by his bare chest and the blanket pooled around his hips._

_James was on his knees beside Sirius, grasping his friend’s hand with a white knuckled grip._

_“Padfoot,” she heard him whisper in a choked voice._

_Marlene didn’t know how to comfort James, so she simply sank to the ground beside Sirius’ head and chose not to comment on the tears leaking from James’ eyes._

_She pushed the damp strands of Sirius’ dark hair away from his forehead with shaking fingers. How could a parent do such a thing to their own child? She had no doubt that Sirius’ injuries were a result of Orion Black, and that Walburga, as always, had simply stood aside and allowed her husband to beat and curse their son within an inch of his life. It was despicable._

_Sirius shifted on the couch, indecipherable murmurs falling from his lips.  His eyes moved rapidly beneath his lavender eyelids, and she prayed that whatever he saw in his fever dreams would bring him peace._

_“What’s he saying?” James asked quietly, looking at Marlene with a dead expression in his hazel eyes._

_Marlene leaned closer to Sirius until she could feel his hot breath on her ear._

_“Help,” he mumbled, so quietly she might have imagined it. “Help me, Mum.”_

_._

_September 16, 1976_

“...wanted to let you know that Michael and Katherine have finally set a date for their wedding—July 11th.  I tried to tell Katherine that nine months is not nearly enough time to plan, but the dear girl looked at me as if I were mad. When I tried to explain to her that putting together the event of the season was no small task, Michael scolded me for “going overboard.”  He told me they want no more than forty guests. Forty! Can you believe the nerve of that boy?  He should know better than to deprive his poor mother so.  I was expecting a hundred, at least.  But he and Katherine insisted that it be kept small for practical reasons. I suppose they’re right; it would be terribly difficult to apparate over a hundred people past the wards. This war certainly does put a damper on things.

         Oh, I almost forgot!  The big news: Tyler proposed!  Merrick came home last night with the loveliest ring on her finger.  I have to say I was skeptical about that American boy of hers, but he makes her happy, and he has excellent taste in rings. Your sister is over the moon. She’s always so serious, but she’s been walking around the house on air all morning.  The twins have been teasing her mercilessly, of course, but not even your brothers can bring down her good mood.  Now if only those two boys could find some nice girls and settle down themselves, I would be a very pleased mother indeed. You know it makes me so happy to see that even in these dark times you children are able to find light and love.  I’m sure your father, wherever he is, is very proud...”

         _Marlene smiled as she poured over her mother’s letter for a second time. Ever since her husband’s death, it had become rare for Deirdre McKinnon to show such enthusiasm over anything, but it seemed that the thought of her two eldest children settling down had inspired her.  Marlene agreed with her mother; it was nice to see that her siblings were capable of finding love and making lives for themselves even amidst the rising darkness of the coming war._

_._

  _February 2, 1977_

  _"Max,” Marlene pleaded, laying a hand on her little brother’s shaking shoulder. “Max, please talk to me. Don’t shut me out right now.”_

_“Go away,” the teenage boy snarled at her.  The venom in his voice was weakened by the tears staining his cheeks._

_“But—”_

_“I don’t want to talk about it!”_

_Marlene choked on a sob and tore from the common room.  How could he not want to talk about it?  Their brothers—Mackenzie and Malcolm—were dead.  Their family was disappearing before their eyes, and he didn’t want to speak to her?  It was too much to be pushed away by one of her only remaining brothers._  

_When her adult family members joined the Order, she had known there would be a chance that they could lose their lives, but no amount of knowing could have prepared her for the realization that her twin brothers were dead.  They would never play another prank, never make another joke, never grow old together like they’d always planned.  Mack and Mal had come into the world together and been inseparable ever since.  They said their first words on the same day, got their first kisses from the same girl, received the same OWLs and NEWTs, and now they had died together.  It was fitting, she supposed._

  _Rubbing furiously at her wet cheeks, she stumbled up the stairs to the owlery.  She had to send a response to their mother, telling her that she and Max would floo home tomorrow for the funeral.  Using the first school owl she could find, she tied the letter to her mother to its leg, and sent it on its way.  She watched the bird disappear on the horizon before sinking to the feather-covered floor; she wasn’t ready to return to Gryffindor tower and face her friends yet._

_She didn’t know how long she sat on the stone floor of the Owlery shivering in the February cold—long enough for her to lose feeling in her behind and for her joints to become stiff—before Sirius entered the tower and settled himself on the ground beside her._

_“Did Lily tell you?” Marlene asked.  Sirius hadn’t been present when she received the letter bearing the news._

_Sirius nodded and looked at her with concerned gray eyes._

_“You gonna be okay, Marl?” he asked quietly after several minutes of silence._

_“I don’t know,” she whispered truthfully.  After the loss of her father, she thought she could never feel such pain again. But there she was, mourning family members once more.  She didn’t have any more room for grief in her heart; she didn’t know if she could take it if anything were to happen to her mother or remaining siblings._

_“Lily said Max wouldn’t speak to you?” He phrased it as a question despite undoubtedly knowing the answer._

  _“It’s his way of coping,” Marlene shrugged. “He just wants to keep his mind off it for as long as possible.”_

  _“I think that’s what you need.”_

  _“What?”_

  _“To get your mind off of it, if only for a little while.” He smiled at her weakly, and she raised a skeptical eyebrow in return.  “Here, I’ve got something that’ll make you laugh.”_

_“I highly doubt it,” Marlene grumbled, dropping her head onto his shoulder._

_“I wouldn’t speak so soon, if I were you.  I’ve got another installment in the saga that is the story of Sirius Black, Casanova of Hogwarts,” he shot her a cheeky grin that Marlene returned weakly._

  _“What’s a Casanova?” she mumbled miserably, but he didn’t seem to hear her._

  _She didn’t think she had it in her to laugh at a story of one of his many exploits with another dimwitted girl.  It was hard enough to fake amusement on any other day._

  _“So there are these two twins, Ravenclaws, named Bonnie and Betsy, or maybe it was Betty and Brittany? Anyway, it doesn’t really matter.  Well they look exactly alike, you see, and...”_

  _Marlene gritted her teeth and clenched her hands into fists so tightly she could feel the half-moons of her nails threatening to break the skin of her palms. She couldn’t handle this right now._

  _“Sirius.”_

  _“...I mean, did they really expect me to remember or even notice that one of them has a mark on her—”_

  _“Sirius!” Marlene shrieked much louder than she had intended._

  _“Marl? What’s wrong?” He looked at her with wide eyes.  The innocent expression on his handsome face was too much._

  _“I—I just can’t,” she stuttered, pushing away from him on the wall and clambering to her feet._

  _“Can’t what?”_

  _But she didn’t answer, instead turning away from him and bracing her hands against the ledge of the window on the opposite wall of the tower._

  _“Marlene?” His voice was close behind her._

  _“Don’t touch me!” she snapped when she felt his hand on her shoulder._

  _“What’s wrong?”_

  _“What’s wrong? WHAT’S WRONG?!” she hissed, rounding on him so quickly her blonde hair fanned out behind her. “I’ll tell you what’s wrong!  My brothers are dead!  My brothers are dead, and I’m in love with you, and I don’t have it in me anymore to pretend that it’s funny to hear about you being with other girls!”_

  _Sirius stared at her with a shocked expression that might have been comical in any other situation, his mouth opening and closing in a manner that was reminiscent of a fish._

  _“Just,” Marlene drew in a shuddering breath. “Just leave me alone,” she whispered as she pushed past him and fled from the Owlery._

  _._

  _May 9, 1977_

  _“I can’t believe you’re finally going out with someone,” Mary Macdonald said for perhaps the fifth time that morning._

  _Marlene rolled her eyes at her friend and exchanged an exasperated glance with Lily.  It was a Hogsmeade Weekend, and the May sunshine illuminated the Great Hall as the girls polished off their breakfasts.  Marlene had finally agreed to go on a date with Preston Sanders, a very handsome seventh year Hufflepuff, much to the surprise of everyone.  It would be the first time she accepted an invitation from any boy.  She and Sirius had not spoken in more than passing since she told him she loved him three months prior, and she finally decided to admit that it was time she moved on. So when a hopeful Preston had approached her five days ago in the Charms corridor and asked her to Hogsmeade, she’d found herself agreeing.  She didn’t quite feel butterflies at the sight of the Hufflepuff’s charming smile, but she supposed the warm feeling in her stomach when she caught his eye from across the Great Hall was enough._

_"Yes, Mary, I believe you said that already,” Marlene gave a long-suffering sigh, causing Lily to snort indelicately into her goblet of pumpkin juice._

_“Don’t tease,” Emmeline chimed in with a friendly glare. “You can’t blame me for being surprised. You’ve only turned down about, oh, twenty guys at least since third year.  I think I’m even more surprised that any of them even had the courage to ask anymore.”_

_“Didn’t Sanders ask you in fourth year, too?” Lily asked._

_Marlene nodded. She remembered the event from two years ago.  She had turned him down then, foolishly hoping to spend the day with Sirius, only to find out that he was taking some pretty Ravenclaw out instead._

_“So why did you say yes this time?” Mary pressed, her light brown hair swinging dangerously close to the plate of toast as she leaned across the table to get closer to Marlene._

_“Watch you hair, Mary,” Lily warned.  She was always looking out for everyone._

_“I decided it was time,” Marlene replied mysteriously._

_She caught Lily’s eye, and the redhead offered her a small smile before glancing down the table with a scowl to where the Marauders sat, laughing obnoxiously as James stood on the bench and reenacted hexing Snape the night before.  Lily was the only other one who knew about Marlene’s feelings for Sirius and what had transpired in the Owlery in February._

_“Well I think you made an excellent choice,” Mary gushed. “Preston Sanders is so good-looking, and he’s Quidditch Captain too!”_

_“What’s that got to do with anything?” Lily sniffed._

_“You know, Evans, some would consider being Captain an appealing quality,” came a loud voice from behind the girls._

_“Not that it can really compensate for the Hippogriff dung between his ears,” came a second voice. She knew that voice—Sirius._

_Marlene glanced over her shoulder to find James standing proudly behind Lily and Marlene.  He was flanked by his friends, but Marlene turned around pointedly without looking in Sirius’ direction._

_“Some would also consider humility and manners to be appealing qualities, as well,” Lily said airily, staring James down with her bright green eyes.  “Perhaps that’s why you don’t seem to have a date to Hogsmeade today, Potter?”_

_“Care to change that, Evans?” James smiled disarmingly, and Marlene chuckled when Lily sneered in response._

_“I’d rather go with a Slytherin.”_

_For a moment, James looked like he’d been slapped, but he recovered quickly._

_“Your loss, Evans. Don’t worry, I’ll still be here when you get tired of those Slytherins,” he replied, before quickly snatching up her hand, brushing a kiss across her knuckles, and retreating with the rest of the Marauders in tow._

_Marlene glanced sideways at Lily with a smug smile. “Are you blushing?”_

_The other girl’s mouth opened and closed several times before she replied  hotly, “I’m flushed with anger.”_

_Marlene shook her head knowingly while Mary and Emmeline roared with laughter._

_Several hours later found Marlene walking side by side with Preston Sanders down the main street in Hogsmeade.  Preston was a nice boy, handsome, good at Quidditch, and dressed well, but she found herself hopelessly bored.  They’d already visited most of the main shops, which Marlene had been happy to do, but the conversation in between proved to be rather uninspiring._

_“So what do you want to do now?” she prodded._

_“Oh, um, whatever you’d like,” Preston replied unhelpfully.  Marlene had to resist the urge to sigh.  He was trying so hard to please her; it made her want to slap him._

_“We could go get a butterbeer?” she offered._

_“Alright,” he agreed and reached down to take her hand for the first time that day._

_Marlene’s pulse jumped as their fingers brushed, but before she could grasp his hand, he tripped ungracefully and landed facedown in the dirt.  She had to clap a hand over her mouth to stop from laughing._

_“Are—are you alright?” she asked warily, trying not to look to amused at the sight of her date in a heap on the ground._

_“Someone jinxed me!” Preston hissed angrily as he clambered to his feet.  He waved his wand to rid himself of the mud that had stained the front of his robes._

_“It’s okay if you tripped,” Marlene said quietly._

_“I didn’t trip! Someone jinxed me!” he insisted._

_Marlene glanced around, but there was no one nearby._

_“If you say so,” she mumbled before heading in the direction of the Three Broomsticks with her lackluster date in tow._

_Once they had gotten their butterbeers—Preston had all but forbidden her from purchasing her own—and found themselves a small table by the window, Marlene found her head filled with possible excuses she could use to return to the castle early.  Perhaps an unexpected illness, or a suddenly remembered Potions assignment..._

_“So will you be coming?” Preston’s voice called her back to the present._

_“Coming?” She asked, not knowing to what he was referring._

_“To my match against Ravenclaw next weekend,” he prodded._

_“Oh, uh yeah, of course. I go to all the matches.”_

_“Good, good.  Well I’m glad I’ll have you rooting for me,” he said confidently._

_“Uh, actually...” Marlene trailed off awkwardly.  She hadn’t been planning on rooting for Hufflepuff at all._

_“You are supporting my team, aren’t you?”_

_She swallowed uncomfortably._

_“Well, I was actually going to support Ravenclaw.  You see, if they win, that’ll put Gryffindor in a better position for—”_

_“I’d prefer for you to support Hufflepuff.”_

_“Ex-excuse me?” Marlene choked on her butterbeer and looked at her date incredulously._

_“Well it would be rather embarrassing for me to have you supporting the other team.” He shrugged as if he were informing her of the weather._

_“And why should it matter? I’ll be supporting the house whose win will put us in the best position for the Cup,” she said forcefully, feeling her ire beginning to rise at his presumptuous attitude._

_Preston’s face flushed, and he opened his mouth to retort, but before he could say a word, his half-finished butterbeer exploded in his face, drenching his robes and hair in the sticky liquid. It took all Marlene had in her not to burst out laughing as she glanced around in search of the culprit. But when she heard the sound of a disembodied, but very familiar laugh, she found the blood rushing to her cheeks in anger.  How dare he!_

_“Excuse me,” she said quickly to Preston before leaping up from the table and following the invisible, laughing culprit out the door of the pub._

_“Sirius Black!” she yelled once out in the street. “I know you’re there!”_

_“I’m right here, there’s no need to yell,” came a voice from behind her, and Marlene whipped around to see that Sirius had suddenly appeared looking very handsome indeed. She cursed his genetics._

_“What is your problem?” she hissed, shoving one of his shoulders roughly._

_“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said innocently._

_“You know damn well what I’m talking about! You’ve been hexing my date all day! Making him trip, the exploding butterbeer—”_

_“How do you know that’s not just the poor bloke’s incompetence shining through?”_

_“Argh!” Marlene huffed, throwing her hands in the air. “Why did you have to ruin my date? You know, just because you don’t want me doesn’t mean no one else is allowed to have me either!” she yelled angrily, feeling tears of frustration beginning to prick at the corners of her eyes._

_Suddenly, Sirius closed the distance between them._

_“You think that I don’t want you?”_

_Marlene swallowed, quickly regaining her composure._

_“Of course you don’t. I told you I was in love with you, and you proceeded to ignore me for—”_

_“You told me to leave you alone!” Sirius interrupted her._

_“I didn’t mean it! Why would I want you to leave me alone? I love—”_

_His lips crashed onto hers, swallowing her words.  For a moment, she was too stunned to respond.  Was she hallucinating? Was he actually kissing her? Yes, yes he was, she realized as one of his hands came up to tenderly cup the back of her neck. She responded enthusiastically, gripping the front of his shirt to pull him closer.  His tongue ran delicately over her bottom lip, and suddenly it was all Sirius, the lingering taste of firewhiskey and sugarquills invading her senses.  When she felt herself growing lightheaded, she broke away with a gasp.  His chest was heaving as he leaned his forehead against hers.  She offered him a lopsided little smile, but he brought his hands up to firmly grip the tops of her arms and stared seriously into her eyes._

_“I’m not like James. I’m not going to carry your books in the hallways or take you dancing or—”_

_“Sirius.”_

_“What?”_

_“I hate dancing.”_

_._

_July 11, 1977_

_Marlene nervously straightened her dress robes for what felt like the hundredth time that day. She looked beautiful in the pale, shimmering gold gown with her hair piled on top of her head - she knew she did - but that didn’t stop her from obsessively checking to make sure everything was in its place.  She was at the event of the season, and while she was certainly not the center of attention, she was a McKinnon and needed to look perfect.  Her family may have withdrawn from traditional Pureblood society over the past several years, but old habits died hard, she supposed._

_It was Michael and Katherine’s wedding, and the back lawns and gardens of her family home had been transformed into something out of another world.  Fairy lights floated and twinkled in the air, glowing beautifully in the purple light of dusk, and the flowers in the gardens had been charmed to glow with an iridescent shimmer that added an ethereal touch to the whole scene. She felt like she was in a dream._

_There wasn’t an overwhelming number of guests.  True to Katherine’s wish, the number had been kept at forty.  It was just as well; it would have been awfully troublesome to have had to apparate every single guest past the wards.  The wards would only allow people to enter if they were accompanied by a member of the McKinnon family, Katherine, Tyler, or Dumbledore._

_She stood off to the side of the dance floor, observing the guests in their brightly colored robes swirling about.  Katherine and Michael were in the middle, and she thought that she had never seen her brother look so happy.  He was staring down at his bride as if the sun shone out of her face.  Marlene didn’t blame him; Katherine looked like a princess.  The splitting smile on her brother’s face made her heart hurt._

_“I’ve been looking for you,” came a deep voice from behind her as an arm wrapped around her waist._

_“Well you found me,” Marlene replied as she turned in Sirius’ arms to press a kiss to his lips._

_“And just what are you doing hiding off in the shadows over here?” He whispered into her ear as he nuzzled her neck._

_His breath tickled the sensitive skin, causing her to giggle and try to squirm away._

_“Were you admiring the happy couple?” Sirius asked as he released her enough to allow her to settle comfortably into his side._

_“Yes,” Marlene sighed, looking out on the dance floor once more. “They look so in love.”_

_When Sirius didn’t respond she tilted her head up.  He looked awfully handsome in his dress robes with his hair - which had grown long in the past few months - pulled into a little ponytail at the nape of his neck. When he looked down to meet her gaze, she saw mirth shining in his silver eyes._

_“What?”_

_“Oh, I wasn’t talking about_ that _couple,” he chuckled._

_When her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, he gestured with his chin off to the left.  Marlene followed his gaze and had to roll her eyes when she realized just who he was referring to.  Lily Evans, would have looked stunning as always in a pale yellow dress with her red hair falling down her back in waves if it weren’t for that fact that she was very red in the face from yelling at a sheepish looking James Potter._

_Much to everyone’s surprise, Lily had agreed to be James’ date to the wedding “because she was going to go anyway.”  Unfortunately for James, it looked like he had already done something to upset her and was suffering under the force of her wrath._

_“Poor Prongs. I don’t know when he’s going to get it through his head that Evans just isn’t going to happen,” Sirius said with a shake of his head._

_“Oh it’s going to happen,” Marlene said confidently._

_“What?!” Sirius looked down at her in shock as if she had just told him the Chudley Cannons had won a match. “Has she told you something?”_

_“Of course not,” Marlene shrugged. “She still calls him an arrogant toerag, but I think she’s already half in love with him.”_

_“Honestly, woman, have you seen the way she goes at him? She hates him,” Sirius shook his head._

_“No she doesn’t,” she replied with a knowing little smirk._

_“Want to bet on it?”_

_Marlene rolled her eyes. Sirius was always turning everything into a wager._

_“Fine, ten galleons and a box of Honeydukes chocolate says they’ll be together by Christmas._  

_“Christmas? You’re absolutely mental.”_

_“But you love me anyway,” Marlene smiled and pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw._

_“Of course I do,” Sirius replied softly, running a thumb along her cheekbone. “But I still think you’re mental, so I’ll take that bet.”_  

_._

_October 17, 1977_

_Marlene had a free period before lunch on Tuesdays, so she was on her way to the library to get some extra studying in.  It was only October, but she was already beginning to feel the pressure of her looming NEWT exams that coming June._

_She was just rounding a corner on the fifth floor when she slammed smack into something hard.  A chest. She looked up into the face of the owner.  It was Sirius’s chest, and he was white as a sheet._

_“Sirius?” She asked worriedly as he grabbed her arm and began dragging her in the opposite direction back towards to Grand Staircase.  “Sirius, what’s wrong?”_

_But Sirius didn’t answer.  They turned the corner only to see the staircases packed with hurrying students all with similar looks of panic on their faces._

_“Shit,” Sirius hissed under his breath and pulled Marlene off in the opposite direction._

_He yanked aside a tapestry of bowtruckles having tea to reveal a spiral staircase before tugging her up it.  Moments later, they emerged panting on the seventh floor.  Sirius pulled at her impatiently, but she ground her heels into the floor and yanked her hand from his grasp._

_“Sirius Black! Tell me what is the matter!” She demanded._

_“Ah, just -” he gritted his teeth and ran a hand through his dark waves. “We have to get to Gryffindor Tower.”_

_He grabbed her arm and tugged her along with such force she had no choice but to follow._

_“Why?” She panted out as they neared the Fat Lady._

_“Because -” Sirius broke off to bark out the password and push her through the portrait hole in front of him._

_The din in the common room was deafening.  It looked as if the whole of Gryffindor House was crowded into the space._

_“Because?” She reminded, looking up into Sirius’ worried face._

_“Because someone thought it would be a laugh to set off the Dark Mark,” he replied grimly, pointing to a window that looked over the grounds._

_Marlene shoved her way forcefully through the throngs of students until she was at the window and pressed her palms up against the glass.  The October sky was hidden by rolling, dark clouds that cast the grounds and castle into shadow, but the entire scene was bathed in an ominous green light.  Craning her neck, she looked up to see the glowing form of skull and snake, illuminated against the storm clouds._  

_._

_October 20, 1981_

          When Marlene finally woke, she reached with her eyes still closed for the glass of water she always kept at her bedside.  Her eyes snapped open in shock when her hand grasped at empty air. Above her were very familiar ceiling tiles.  She was in the hospital.

        The hospital? Why was she in the hospital?

         Struggling against stiff limbs, she pushed herself up into an awkward, slumped position against the pillows before pressing the call button for a nurse. She had spent enough time in that hospital when she had first woken up and found out she was pregnant with Addie to not be terribly alarmed at waking up there. With all the time she spent hanging around and visiting Fiona and the other nurses, it had become something of a second home.

         “Oh! You’re awake!” A young nurse gasped from the doorway. She was a young brunette that had started a few weeks ago; Marlene thought her name started with an N. “How are you feeling? Are you alright? Do you need anything?” She fluttered nervously around Marlene, checking vitals and looking generally flustered.

         “I’m fine, just sore, and I could use a glass of water.” Marlene had to resist the urge to roll her eyes at the incompetent nurse who looked like she could be even younger than herself.  “Shouldn’t you tell someone I’ve woken up or something?”

         “Yes! Yes, oh - I - yes! Let me just - I’ll get you water too...” The young woman trailed off as she scurried out into the hall.

         Marlene sagged back against the pillows to wait, and brought a hand up to rub at her temples. Her head was pounding something awful.  She wondered how long she had been there, and what had happened.  What was the last thing she remembered? She had been reading to Addie...hadn’t she? Then, her dream-memories came rushing back, and Marlene realized that she must have finally fallen asleep against her will.  That’s what she deserved for depriving herself for so long, she supposed.

         With a small gasp and a pain to her chest, Marlene remembered her brothers. Brothers she would never know outside her dreams now.  She rubbed furiously at her eyes; she wouldn’t be able to explain tears to anyone who saw. She couldn’t exactly tell the muggles that her memories were returning.  

This was why she didn’t want to sleep! She didn’t want to remember! She didn’t want to wake up with her muscles still tense from the terror of a growing war, or to the pain of having lost someone she loved. Maybe that made her a coward, but...she was afraid of what would happen when she reached the end of her memories.

It was a thought that had been niggling at the back of her mind for sometime now.  Why hadn’t anyone come looking for her? Her friends and family were magical, for Merlin’s sake; it couldn’t have been that hard to find her no matter what had happened to land her in a coma in a muggle hospital.  If no one had come looking for her, did that mean there was no one left to look? What sort of state did that mean the wizarding world was in?  Surely not a place fit to bring Addie to...

She had to clap a hand over her mouth the stifling her rising sobs, and her shoulders shook with the repressed emotion. She was so scared.

“Marlene? Marlene, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

Marlene looked up sharply to see Fiona hurrying through the door with one of the doctors - one she didn’t know.

“I - uh,” she stuttered awkwardly, becoming acutely aware of how distraught she must look. “Just a bit disoriented about waking up in a hospital?”

“That’s to be expected,” the doctor, a middle-aged woman with a stern face, but kind eyes chimed in. “I’m Doctor Marks, but you can call me Carol. Marlene, can you tell me the last thing you remember doing?”

“I, uh, I was putting Addie down to sleep and - Addie!” Marlene jumped, finally realizing what had been bothering her from the moment Fiona walked in the room. “Where’s my daughter?”

“Don’t worry dear, I left her next door with Mrs. Fisher. She’s fine,” Fiona assured her, and Marlene relaxed once more.

“So you were putting your daughter down to sleep? Do you remember anything more recent?” Carol prodded.

“More recent?” Marlene’s eyebrows knitted together. “How long ago did I put Addie down? Just how long have I been here?!”

She was starting to feel exactly as she had the first time she had woken up in this hospital, and the panic was creeping into her voice.

“You’ve been asleep for six days.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that’s not supposed to be a shitty cliffhanger. It’s just the most convenient place to break before the next chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The formatting remains strange. Sorry, it'll take way more time to fix it than I have in me.

  _October 20, 1981_

 

         “Six days,” Marlene said, her voice devoid of emotion. “Six days? Why would I be...”

         She trailed off.

         “Well, we were hoping you could help us with that? You were calling out names in your sleep. Mack? Mal? Sirius? Does any of that mean anything to you?” Her doctor questioned.

Marlene flinched under the woman’s penetrating gaze.

“I have no idea why,” Marlene lied, hoping she sounded more convincing than she felt. “And I don’t know who M-Mack or Mal are.” Her voice broke as she spoke her dead brothers’ names.  “And Sirius is, well...”

She gestured to the ring she wore on her finger.

“Yes, we know all about Sirius, dear,” Fiona said soothingly.

Marlene was sure that she would be questioned further, but she would just have to deny having any knowledge about her life before waking up in that hospital over a year ago.  Yet why would she have been asleep for six days? She’d gotten ill once before when she’d had a large influx of memories.  How had she lost her memory to begin with? She had long since deduced that it had been some sort of magic related event - either a curse or some sort of accident.  Perhaps her body was fighting off the effects of whatever the magic was and it was simply taking a toll on her? She didn’t know, but she had to get her memories back as quickly as possible. It was futile to try and stop them from returning, that much was obvious.  And with the revelation of her brothers’ deaths, she felt a growing sense of urgency to discover what had transpired in the four year gap between her last memory and the present.

“Marlene,” a voice interrupted her worried thoughts. “Are you listening?”

“Uh,” she looked up to see Fiona with narrowed eyes and a pursed mouth. “No, sorry,” she mumbled.

“I said they can’t find anything wrong with you, so they’re going to keep you here for a few more hours for observation, and then we’ll go home when I get off in time to pick up Addie and make dinner at home, alright?”

“Oh, yes, that’s fine.” Marlene smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring manner, as Fiona patted her on the hand and left the room.

         After returning home and fixing a small dinner with Fiona, Marlene crawled into bed and tucked in Addie beside her, wanting to have her daughter close after being apart for so many days.  She brushed the dark wisps of hair from the little girl’s sleeping face as her tired mind wandered.  She wished her sleep would bring her the same peace she saw in her daughter’s face, but she knew that there was little chance of that.  With a resolute sigh, she pulled her covers up tighter to combat the October chill and willingly drifted off into scenes and images off her past.

 

.

 

_December 22, 1977_

 

         _“Sirius, why are we even looking all the way out there? I thought you wanted to get a flat in the city?” Marlene grumbled into her scarf._

_It was cold, she was stressed because Christmas was in three days and she still hadn’t finished her shopping, and all she wanted to do was go have a nice dinner with her boyfriend before he had to return her to her home for the evening._

_“Humor me, Marls,” he said smoothly as he snaked an arm around her waist in preparation to disapparate. “I think you’re going to like this one. Besides, I fancy a walk on the beach.”_

_And without giving Marlene a chance to reply, he disapparated them away with a pop._

_They landed in a back alley behind a white washed building with two large waste bins placed neatly beside a weather wooden door.  The first thing Marlene noticed was that it was much warmer, so she gladly loosened her scarf and undid a few buttons on her muggle coat.  The second thing she noticed was that the air smelled like the seaside._

_“Where are we, again?” She asked Sirius._

_“Devon. Lynmouth to be exact,” he replied, taking her hand in his and starting off towards the end of the alley._

_Marlene wasn’t sure exactly where in Devon Lynmouth was, but it was clearly somewhere by the sea, and certainly not where she and Sirius were going to end up living.  They were flat-hunting together because Sirius had decided it was time he moved out of Potter Manor, and he wanted Marlene’s input, for she would be moving in with him after graduation.  However, she had been under the impression that he wanted a flat in London to be closer to the action of the war, seeing as the both of them had already approached Dumbledore about joining the Order of the Phoenix upon graduation._

_Marlene had once had her reservations about the Order, having no desires further than seeing her family all alive when the dust settled.  However, having lost her twin brothers the year before after already losing her father, uncle, and cousin in her first year, she just couldn’t sit by and hide her head in the sand.  She wanted to fight.  She wanted the people who had hurt her family to die, and she wanted to be the one to do it._

_“Oh, this is lovely!” Marlene exclaimed when they reached the mouth of the alley to come out onto a charming little street lined on one side with small shops and pubs, and by a small harbor on the other._

_“I knew you would like it here.” Sirius squeezed her hand. “Come on, we’ve got an appointment.”_

_“With who?”_

_“The bloke who owns the house we’re going to see. We’re meeting him in here.” He gestured to a windowed storefront with a faded blue painted sign that read “Kirby’s” in cracking gold lettering._

_The inside of the pub was warm from a fire roaring in the corner, and despite the weathered air about this place, the well-polished counter and small collection of tables and booths made for a welcoming impression.  The only occupants were a pretty waitress with brown, curly hair chatting up an elderly couple at a table by the window, a man at the bar that looked to be sinking into his shabby brown overcoat with his hand wrapped around a pint, and an elderly man polishing bottles behind the counter._

_Sirius grinned at her reassuringly, and steered the two of them up to the counter._

_“Hello there, kids. What can I get you?” The elderly man said kindly, his eyes smiling out from a face lined with wrinkles that evidenced many years of laughter._

_“Goodday, sir,” Sirius said politely, “My name’s Sirius, and we spoke on the - er - telephone and -”_

_“Oh, Mr. Black about the cottage! I can’t say I expected you to be quite so young. Say, would you two care for a pint before I take you out there? It’s on the house.”_

_Sirius agreed and pulled her onto a stool beside them as the old man filled them two pints of muggle beer.  Marlene kept her mouth closed and listened to Sirius and the man toss pleasantries back and forth.  She’d never said more than five words to a muggle in her entire life, but she knew Sirius had spent a fair amount of time in muggle London since coming of age, especially when he had been in the market for his damned motorbike._

_“Relax, Marls,” Sirius whispered soothingly into her hair and began to rub comforting circles on her knee under the counter. “He’s just a muggle, he won’t bite.”_

_“I know that,” she hissed back, embarrassed at having been called out for being afraid of a muggle._

_“Here we are then!” The old man said cheerfully as he slid two pints of a frothy, amber liquid towards them. “Now, I’ve met your Sirius here, but I’d like to introduce myself to you, young lady,” the man said, turning towards Marlene. “My name’s Charles Kirby, and this here’s my pub.”_

_She stiffened. Had she ever had a muggle directly address her before? Sirius squeezed her knee under the table, prompting her to respond._

_“Oh, uh,” Marlene cleared her throat.  She was a McKinnon, where were her manners? And furthermore, how could she expect to fight Death Eaters if she was frightened by a muggle old enough to be her grandfather? “My name is Marlene. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kirby, sir,” she replied sweetly, extending her hand across the bar for him to shake._

_Roughly twenty minutes later, once Sirius had finished his pint and Marlene had taken a few grudging gulps of the foul liquid, the two Hogwarts students found themselves rebuttoning their coats and following Mr. Kirby out to his little car so he could take them to the cottage that Sirius was so excited about showing her.  She climbed into the cramped rear seat while Sirius sat up front and talked muggle football with Mr. Kirby._

_The drive took no more than twenty minutes down narrow, sandy roads, and they eventually pulled to a stop in front of a small, white washed stone cottage with door painted the same blue as the sign over Kirby’s Pub and a large lawn and garden that surely looked wonderful in the summer. There was a large tree that stood tall at the eastern corner of the cottage and a little kissing gate that opened onto the gravel path that cut through the garden to the front door. Marlene sighed; this was just the sort of place Sirius would fall in love with.  He may have hid it behind bravado and rebellion, but a large part of him yearned for the domestic peace he felt he had been denied as a child. Just not quite yet, she’d thought._

_Taking Sirius’ arm, the pair followed Mr. Kirby up the path and into the house. Along the way, the old man explained that his wife had once grown everything from potatoes and leeks to roses and daffodils in the garden._

_“Daffodils - your favorite,” Sirius whispered in her ear as they walked._

_“Potatoes - yours,” she quipped back, earning a sharp bark of laughter from her boyfriend._

_The inside of the cottage was cozy with low ceilings and windows that let in plenty of light.  She noted that the fireplace was exceptionally large, and thought that it could easily be magically altered to be adequate for a floo, only to chastise herself for forgetting that there was no way they could ever live there. They needed to be in the city for the war._

_Mr. Kirby showed them the kitchen, the three bedrooms, and the den, all the while adding anecdotes about raising his son there with his late wife. It was two floors, with the two smaller bedrooms and a bathroom up top, and it was certainly small, but she couldn’t deny that she could see herself living there.  More importantly, she could see herself living there with Sirius and one day maybe..._

_“Would you like to see the beach?” Sirius asked her, gesturing to Mr. Kirby who stood beside the back door watching the couple hopefully._

_Marlene nodded, and followed out the back door and down a narrow little path that cut through the back yard and a collection of seaside shrubs, grasses, and small trees out onto the beach.  The ocean was dark from the reflection of the overcast sky, but the sand stretched on uninterrupted for quite a ways in both directions.  It was obvious that there were no close neighbors._

_“Sirius,” she began delicately, pulling him aside. “This is lovely. I love it, I really do. Maybe someday we can -”_

_“I know, I know,” he grumbled as he tugged a hand through his dark waves that were quickly becoming wild from the sea air. “The war.”_

_“I’m sorry. But we have to be in London, surely you realize that?”_

_“I do. I just...wanted to take you here.  Maybe someday, when all this shit is over, right?” He tugged her close and buried his nose in her hair._

_“Nothing would make me happier.”_

_She brought her face up to his until their cold noses touched before pressing a light kiss to his lips._

_“You know, it’s not a bad broomstick - or motorcycle ride - from Godric’s Hollow,” Sirius said conversationally as they walked slowly back up the path to the house.  Mr. Kirby had returned to wait in the car to give them time to discuss alone._

_“Godric’s Hollow? So you can go back and visit the Potters?”_

_“Well yes, but I was referring to the cottage that James wants to get for him and Lily when the war’s over.”_

_Marlene had to laugh at that. “James wants to get a house with Lily? Sirius, they’ve been dating for less than two months, and I don’t think they had a civil conversation until this summer.”_

_Sirius only shrugged._

_“You know,” Marlene prodded with an impish smile. “That reminds me of our bet. I do believe you owe me ten galleons?”_

_Sirius shook his head indulgently and pulled her affectionately into his side. “And a box of Honeydukes, if I remember correctly.”_

_“Hmm, you could always just admit that I know our friends better than you do, and we can call it even.”_

_“Absolutely not,” he laughed. “I will buy you every damn piece of candy in that shop, but I will never admit that.”_

 

_._

 

_June 24, 1978_

 

_Marlene grinned as she linked her arm with Lily’s and watched the Marauders move her things into Sirius’ flat the muggle way.  Peter was tottering dangerously under a box that was obviously far too heavy for him, and she caught a glance of Sirius charming the trunk James was dragging to weigh so much that it couldn’t be moved an inch. Remus was exasperatedly requesting that his mates hurry it up so they could go get dinner because he was so hungry that he was worried Moony would make an early appearance if he didn’t get some food in him soon.  The six of them were riding high on the wind of their Hogwarts graduation two days earlier._

_“Do you think we’ll ever be this happy again?” Lily sighed beside her._

_“What are you talking about? Oh course we will,” Marlene assured her friend, tightening the link of their arms briefly. “I know things are rough right now, but they’ll get better.” They have to, she added silently._

_“I know, I’m just...so scared. I’m so scared all the time. I’m always wondering when I’m going to open the prophet to see your name, or James’, or my parents or - oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to mention pare-”_

_“Lily,” Marlene sighed at the unwelcome reminder of her dead father and subsequently all her other dead family members. “It’s ok. Let’s just enjoy this day, and we can worry about everything else tomorrow?”_

_“Ok,” Lily set her jaw firmly. “Ok. Now let’s help the boys finish up so we can get some food in Remus before he has kittens.”_

_Marlene looked at Lily in confusion. She would never understand muggle sayings._

 

_._

 

_July 30, 1978_

 

_“Marlene McKinnon! You’d better hurry your arse up or I’ll -” Sirius yelled from the living room before Marlene interrupted him._

_“I thought you liked my arse just the way it is?” She said with a deliberately saucy wink as she entered the living room where Sirius was waiting impatiently._

_“I do in that dress,” he said roguishly as he eyed her up and down._

_“How much?” Marlene breathed as she sidled up to him._

_“Want me to show you?” He said roughly, wrapping an arm around her waist._

_She didn’t answer, and instead pulled him into a deep kiss. He responded instantly, fisting one of his hands into her loose hair and digging the fingers of the other into her hip.  He trailed his lips down the column of her neck, earning a breathy gasp._

_“I think I’d like it better in no dress,” he murmured into the crook of her neck as he slid the strap of her dress from her shoulder._

_“I-I thought you said we were running late?” She gasped out as his lips suckled at her collarbone._

_“Dammit, woman,” he groaned. “Next time, let’s just be late, yeah?”_

_“Even for dinner with the Potters?” She replied cheekily, smoothing out her dress and checking her hair in the reflection of the mirror on the mantle._

_“Well, maybe not. What was taking you so long anyway?”_

_“I needed to look perfect,” Marlene mumbled._

_“You always look perfect,” Sirius said smoothly, causing her to roll her eyes._

_“I need to look as good as Lily, ok?” She snapped, fighting a blush._

_“As good as Lily? Marlene, what on Earth are you talking about?”_

_“This is the first time Lily and I will both be having dinner with the Potters as the girlfriends of their sons, and I don’t want them to like her better than me, ok?” Marlene let out in a rush, crossing her arms over her chest._

_Sirius looked at her with wide eyes for a moment, as if waiting for her to start laughing as tell him that she was only joking._

_“Come off it, Marls. You’ve known the Potters since we were kids.” He looked at her expectantly, still waiting for the joke. “You’re not having a laugh, are you?” He asked quietly, tucking a strand of her pale hair behind her ear._

_“No, I’m not bloody having a laugh.  I’m serious.”_

_“Actually, I’m -”_

_“Don’t even say it,” she warned, able to see the bad pun coming from a mile away._

_“Marlene, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon - and I’ve laid eyes upon a lot of them.”_

_“Are you trying to make me feel better?” She sighed._

_“I’m getting there, alright? Now hush,” he held one long finger to her lips and she pouted against it. “As I was saying, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, but that doesn’t matter.  I don’t love you because you’ve got lovely eyes and a nice arse,” he paused to wink at her. “I’ve known you all my life, and my greatest regret is that it took me so damn long to realize that I was in love with you. I know I’m arrogant and reckless, and I’ll probably hurt you, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t lay the world at your feet if you ask for it.”_

_He brushed a kiss across her forehead._

_“I love you because of the person you are.  You’ve always had my back, you call me on my shit, you’ve given me more love than I deserve, you know exactly how I take my coffee and...Marlene, I’d like nothing more than to spend every single one of my days in your presence. I love you. The Potters will love you because I do. So stop worrying; you’re wonderful.”_

_Marlene was absolutely speechless.  With her eyes still trained on Sirius’ and her mouth slightly open, she reached a hand up to wipe a drop of moisture from the corner of her eye._

_“I love you too,” she whispered._

_“Now can we please go to dinner? Because they may love you, but they might like me a little less if we keep them waiting much longer.” Sirius smoothed both his hands over her hair to cup the back of her neck and pull her in for a soft kiss._

_Marlene only nodded, still dumbstruck from his confession, and followed him into the floo._

_They arrived in the familiar living room of Potter Manor - with Marlene casting a wary glance at a spot on the floor she remembered as once being stained with Sirius’ blood - to find James, Lily, Dorea, and Charlus all seated on one of the sun porches enjoying drinks and the balmy summer evening. James was the only one to acknowledge their lateness, and only with a suggestive wag of his eyebrows in Sirius’ direction when his parents were distracted.  Not long after, the six of them found themselves seated around the grand dining table that Dorea had shrunk for the occasion and enjoying another fabulous meal courtesy of the Potters’ house elves._

_Marlene had finished her meal and was sipping on a glass of Dorea’s special elven wine while Sirius drew nonsense patterns on her bare leg that seemed to be edging higher and higher up her thigh under the table when they heard it._

_CRACK._

_It was like the sound of winter ice on a frozen lake cracking under too heavy footsteps._

_All of the occupants at the table froze._

_“Mum, Dad,” James said, his voice seeming higher than usual. “What was that?”_

_“I -” Dorea began before she was interrupted by another crack, only louder this time._

_“Charlus!” She turned to her husband, and Marlene’s stomach dropped as the older woman’s face rapidly drained of color. “The wards!”_

_No sooner had the panicked words left Mrs. Potter’s lips had the rest of the table’s occupants leapt to their feet, wands drawn._

_“We have to go now!” Lily yelled to the others, grabbing onto James’ arm and preparing to disapparate._

_“It’s no use,” Charlus stopped her, his voice grave. “They’ll have cast their own wards by now - on the floo as well.”_

_With a quick wave of his wand, he dispatched a silvery patronus in the shape of a bear that went soaring through the nearest window.  Marlene’s head turned to watch its progression just in time to see the cracks begin to form in the windows._

_“Everybody get down!” She screamed, grabbing onto the two closest to her - Sirius and James, and pulling them under the table._

_But she didn’t move fast enough, and she felt the rush of air and broken glass against her back as all of the windows in Potter Manor shattered simultaneously and blew inwards. She felt blood began to flow warm and wet down the exposed skin of her back and shoulders, and she could see a large gash already staining the side of Sirius’ face red._

_“What do we do?” James hissed, all of them now thrown to haphazard heaps on the floor from the attempt to hide from the busting windows._

_In the silence that followed his question a series of pops could be heard from outside._

_“We fight,” Dorea replied, reaching a hand out to her son._

_“And we hope we last long enough for the Order to-”_

_Charlus’ words were cut off by the boom of a far away door being blown off its hinges._

_“They’re here, they’re here, oh Merlin they’re here,” Lily chanted quietly._

_Marlene grabbed Sirius’ hand for support as she said in a voice that was not as strong as she had hoped it would be, “Come on, we can’t fight them from under the table.”_

_Trying to be quiet, hoping not to alert the Death Eaters to their location just yet, they crept from beneath the large table.  Charlus gestured to the windows and then pointed towards the door in the corner of the dining room that led to the kitchens.  Marlene shot a confused glance at Sirius, and he mouthed_ “outside” _in response.  She nodded in recognition - it would be better for them to get outside where they could not be cornered and maybe even have a chance of making it past whatever wards had been cast to keep them from disapparating._

_After Charlus had determined that the kitchen was in fact clear, they hurried into the next room and made directly for the door.  They could hear the sounds of Death Eaters only a few rooms away, and Marlene thanked Merlin that Potter Manor was so enormous._

_They passed two house elves cowering beside the cabinets, and Lily urged them in hushed tones to flee while they could.  The elves shook their head vehemently, but after an order from Dorea, they both disappeared with loud cracks that had Marlene instantly cursing the creatures. There was no way the noises would go unnoticed._

_Sure enough, not a moment later, shouts and pounding footsteps could be heard closing in on their location. Charlus flung open the door, and they all dashed through it.  Marlene glanced over her shoulder at the last moment to see a red spell rushing in her direction before everything went dark._

_Some time later, Marlene struggled to summon the strength to lift her aching body from the carpet in the Potter’s living room.  She surveyed the scene in front of her with horror.  Eleven Death Eaters.  Eleven against six; they hadn’t stood a chance._

_Two Death Eaters lay stunned on the floor, a third in a pool of his own blood slumped against the couch. His neck was slit almost to the bone by a curse too Dark to have come from Lily or any of the Potters. Likely Sirius’ doing, her mind supplied, and she shivered slightly._

_The six of them were disarmed and magically bound.  Lily was unconscious, James’ glasses were cracked and his face was bloody from what looked like a broken nose, Dorea looked worse for wear but born no visible injuries, Charlus’ arm seemed twisted at an impossible angle and he was bleeding from a cut to the thigh that didn’t look good._

_Marlene turned her head to the left to see Sirius.  His lip was split and he had a shadow darkening around his eye, but that was the least of his injuries.  There was a large burn visible through his scorched robes on his upper left arm, and he would periodically grimace in pain at tremors that could only be the effects of some sort of Dark curse._

_“Well, it seems our source was right when they told us we would find excellent spoils at the Potters’ this evening,” said one Death Eater with curly auburn hair and a lean face. He looked to be just shy of thirty Marlene didn’t recognize him, but he seemed to be in charge of the attack._

_Sirius snarled at his words, surely thinking along the same lines as she - they had a spy in the Order._

_“It seems you have a rat in your little club,” spoke a second Death Eater, laughing at his own words and earning a few chuckles from his comrades._

_“Shut your mouth, Avery,” Marlene spat at her childhood friend.  He may have been wearing a mask, but she would recognize that voice anywhere. “No one wants to hear the filth that comes out of it.”_

_“Marlene, no!” She heard Sirius hiss in response to her taunt._

_Another Death Eater flicked his wand in Sirius’ direction, silencing him._

_“What was that, McKinnon?” Avery asked, sidling up to her prone form. “Are you really stupid enough to speak to me that way when I have you and your little friends at my mercy?”_

_He grabbed her by her injured shoulder - causing her to see stars - and yanked her up into a sitting position. Marlene looked up into his face - no matter the mask, the pale green eyes were ones she had known all her life - and all she could see was him taunting her in a Hogwarts corridor following her father’s death._

_Instead of answering his question, she spat at his feet._

_“Insolent cow!” Came a female shriek - Bellatrix Lestrange, Sirius’ cousin._

_“Indeed,” Avery said before backhanding her across the face so hard she felt her teeth rattle and tasted blood almost immediately._

_“Leave the girl alone!” Charlus shouted, his voice managing to sound threatening even in his current position._

_“I don’t think you’re in any position to give orders, Potter,” drawled the leader._

_“Only trying to teach you all some manners, Burke.  I seem to remember that’s something your father struggled with when he was your age as well,” Charlus said harshly, his voice betraying none of the pain he was surely feeling._

_“Dad! What are you doing?” James cried at his father’s rash words._

_Marlene’s heart twisted at the elder Potter’s bravery. Taunt the Death Eaters so that they forgot about their other prisoners._

_“Yes, what_ are _you doing, old man?” Came a rough, but quiet voice from a Death Eater towards the back. He was tall and thin, and Marlene noted that his hands shook slightly._

_“Waiting for you to get on with whatever you came here to do.” He paused to take a labored breath. “As you’ve so kindly alluded to, I’m not getting any younger.”_

_Dorea whimpered as Burke twirled his wand once before pointing it at Charlus._

_“Do shut up,” he sneered with a roll of his eyes before whispering, “Crucio.”_

_Mr. Potter’s spine went rigid as an inhuman noise tore its way from his throat and he collapsed to a writhing heap on the ground.  James and Sirius fought furiously against their bonds, and Dorea began to sob._

_“Stop! STOP! PLEASE!” She cried for her husband._

_Bellatrix shot a disgusted glance in Dorea’s direction before returning her gaze to Charlus’ contorted form. With a smirk, Burke lifted the curse, leaving his victim panting and whimpering._

_“What’s going on? James? James, what’s happening?!” Lily’s panicked voice cut through the following silence. It seemed that Mr. Potter’s cries had roused her._

_“It-it’s okay Lily,” James said with a pained glance in Lily’s direction where she was struggling to move into a sitting position with her bound hands._

_Dorea, who was closest to the redhead, shifted her legs so that her foot brushed the other woman’s shin; it was the most comfort she could offer._

_“We’re going to be alright, dear,” she whispered through her tears._

_“No,” Burke grinned, fingering his wand. “Actually, you’re not.”_

_“Avada Kedavra!” He hissed, and a beam of green light rushed from the tip of his wand and slammed into Dorea’s chest._

_“NOOO! MUM! NO!” James cried._

_“DOREA!” Charlus bellowed, his eyes wide and disbelieving._

_Sirius struggled harder than ever before against his magical bonds, a silent scream on his lips. Lily had gone impossibly pale, and her chest was heaving._

_Marlene began to shake, staring at the collapsed form of Mrs. Potter.  She was just...dead._

_“YOU MONSTERS!” James spat._

_Burke cast him a cursory glance before addressing his prisoners as a whole, “Now, are we on the same page as to just how this is going to go?”_

_He stalked over to Marlene, who had remained silent through the whole ordeal, and grabbed her roughly by the chin. “Am I clear, Miss McKinnon?”_

_Marlene swallowed her tears, dragged her inner Gryffindor from wherever it had crawled away to, and said with a strong voice, “Crystal.”_

_“Enough with the theatrics, Burke,” spoke the tall one with the shaking hands.  “We’ve interrupted dinner, and I’m feeling a bit peaky myself.  Must we continue to drag this out?”_

_“I don’t recall Him putting you in charge of this mission, Lestrange,” Burke snarled. “Should I have Rodolphus take you outside and remind you how to respect your elders?_

_Lestrange’s hands shook more violently until he clenched them into fists, but he remained silent. Marlene wasn’t sure if she was thankful for that fact or not.  She didn’t know if she wanted to continue to drag it out, but if Charlus’ patronus had been received...surely there was help on the way? What if the Death Eaters had cast more wards?_

_She glanced to her left where Sirius still sat, magically bound and struggling against a silencing spell. He must have felt her gaze because his wide, horrified eyes flicked from Dorea’s still form to meet her own. Marlene’s chest tightened at the silent terror in his silvery eyes.  Dried blood caked to the side of his face from a cut sustained from the broken windows.  She reached out in her mind, nipping him with the tendrils of her magic, trying to offer him some sort of comfort._

_“I love you,” she mouthed._

_He nodded, and silently mouthed the words back with shining eyes._

_“Alright, cousin, time to break up this little lover’s moment,” Bellatrix sang with mirth that did not suit the situation.  She stalked over to Sirius in three long strides and slapped him across the face._

_Sirius’ head snapped sharply to the side, but upon it’s recoil he fixed his mad cousin with a dangerous glare before he mouthed with unmistakable clarity, “Bitch.”_

_Bellatrix screeched and pulled out her wand. “How dare you, you filthy blood-traitor! Shame on my House! CRUCIO!”_

_Sirius’ body went rigid as he slumped to the floor.  Bellatrix shot a triumphant glance in Marlene’s direction, before flicking her wand at Sirius, lifting the silencing spell.  Marlene felt bile rise in her throat as his screams filled the room for a split second before he clamped his mouth shut, grunting through his teeth and glaring up as his cousin through the pain._

_“Enough!” Burke shouted, and Bella reluctantly lifted the spell. “It’s no fun when they don’t scream.” Then he rounded on Lily. “But I bet you’ll scream, won’t you mudblood?”_

_“No! Leave her alone!” James pleaded as his girlfriend’s eyes went wide with fear._

_“Don’t worry, little Potter. Your girlfriend’s just a mudblood, and there’s no fun in breaking one of them.”_

_“And there’s no fun in breaking children either,” Charlus interjected, his voice more weary than it had been before._

_“So eager to be under my wand?”_

_“Perhaps.”_

_“Burke,” a man she didn’t recognize under his mask interjected in a stiff voice. “Get on with it.”_

_Burke twirled his wand for a moment before smirking, seemingly having come to a decision._

_And then several things happened at once._

_With a deafening boom, whatever wards the Death Eaters had put up broke, and several loud cracks filled the room announcing the arrival of the Order.  Marlene felt the bonds on her wrists loosen, and a moment later, she saw her wand tossed in her direction and snatched it out of the air._

_Burke, with his eyes wild and teeth bared, trained his wand on James struggling to his feet across the room._

_“AVADA KEDAVRA!” He screamed, the bolt of green barreling out of the tip of his wand._

_Charlus Potter threw all of his weight into his son, taking the full force of the curse._

_Marlene’s jaw dropped as she saw his limp body fall to the floor, but she didn’t have time to process it as a battle was ensuing between the Death Eaters and Order members._

_“Protego!” She threw up a shield to block a yellow curse that had come from Lestrange._

_“Expelliarmus!” She countered._

_He laughed maniacally as he casually deflected her spell._

_“Oculus Sanguin!” He spat._

_She threw up a hasty shield, but the deep red curse shattered it a slammed straight into her. She didn’t feel anything, so she returned with a curse of her own._

_“REDUCTO!”_

_He lept to the side to avoid her powerful spell, losing his mask in the process.  He shook his dark auburn hair from his eyes and gave her a nod of approval.  Now she recognized him.  Rabastan Lestrange.  He had been a year ahead her at Hogwarts!_

_She narrowed her eyes at him, only to feel something warm and thick drip down her cheek.  She hastily brought up a hand to wipe away the moisture, and looked down at her fingers in horror when they came away red with blood._

“Confringo!” _She thought viciously.  Lestrange rolled out of the way at the last moment, and her curse blasted a hole the size of two grown men into the wall behind him._

_He gave her a feral smile before flicking his wand silently in her direction._

_She saw no curse leave his wand, but suddenly found herself crumpling to the ground.  The pain was greater than anything she’d ever felt in her life - a thousand whips flaying the skin from her back - white-hot knives in her gut - she screamed so loudly she thought she would go deaf from the sound. She barely noticed the blood rushing faster from her eyes as her heart rate skyrocketed._

_And then it was over._

_She looked up in time to see Lestrange fall to the floor with his body wrapped in bright purple flames flowing from Sirius’ wand.  But then another Death Eater shot a spell in his direction, and Sirius was forced to abandon his torture of Lestrange._

_Marlene scrambled to her feet to cover Lily in a duel against Bellatrix.  Sirius’ cousin didn’t mess around; more Crucios and Avada Kedavras left the tip of her wand than any other spell.  Lily and Marlene were engaging in more acrobatic dodging than they were actual dueling.  Dorcas engaged Bellatrix from the other side with such power and ferocity that Marlene and Lily were able to dash into the fray and move onto new opponents._

_Things were winding down as the Death Eaters that hadn’t been incapacitated apparated out when out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of Sirius’ back disappear into the hall outside. On legs still unsteady from the Cruciatus, she followed him, and the scene that greeted her made her blood turn to ice._

_In the dark, narrow hallway, James had Burke pinned to the wall with his wand drawn at the Death Eater’s neck. His untidy hair was slicked back with sweat and blood from a cut on his forehead, and his wand arm was shaking. Sirius stood beside him, chest heaving and looking murderously at the man that had killed James’ parents._

_Marlene flattened herself against the opposite wall, not daring to make a sound.  If Burke noticed her, he didn’t say a word._

_“Are you going to kill me, boy?” He taunted James.  “Watch the light leave me eyes like it did your parents’?”_

_“Shut up!” Sirius snarled before swinging his fist into Burke’s jaw._

_His head snapped to the side, but when he turned back, he was smiling with blood on his teeth._

_“Do it, James,” Sirius ordered. His hand clenched and unclenched around his wand as if he wanted to do the deed himself._

_James took a deep breath and steadied his arm._

_“Ava-” He paused, his eyes darting back and forth between Burke and Sirius.  “I...he killed my parents, b-but I c-ca -”_

_Sirius shoved him out of the way and leveled his wand right between Burke’s eyes._

_“Avada Kedavra,” he hissed, his voice chillingly cold. “For your parents,” he said somberly to James after letting the body drop to the floor._

_James nodded stiffly, and the two turned, noticing Marlene standing with a hand clapped over her mouth and eyes wide at what she had just witnessed._

_“Marlene -” Sirius choked out, looking stricken._

_“Don’t,” she shook her head before flinging herself into his arms.  “I’m just glad you’re alright,” she whispered, burying her head in his chest.  The blood on her face left from Lestrange’s curse soaked into his shirt._

_“I didn’t mean for you to see that,” he murmured._

_“It doesn’t matter,” she tightened her arms around him. “I love you.”_

 

_._

 

_March 15, 1979_

 

_Marlene’s hands shook as she read over the letter from her mother again. An Order mission gone wrong. An ambush, the Death Eaters were waiting.  They had known, somehow they had known._

_Tyler was in a coma in St. Mungo’s; they didn’t know if he’d ever wake up._

_Michael was dead._

_Her strong, kind, brave brother was dead._

_He’d taken five Death Eaters down before Roderick Travers killed him.  He left behind his wife, Katherine, and their two month old baby girl, Daveney._

_He left behind Marlene._

_“Marls? Love, what is it?” Sirius came up behind her in their kitchen, placing a hand on her hip and a kiss in her hair.  “Is that from your mum?”_

_Marlene turned around silently and placed the letter in his hands._

_As Sirius read, his eyes grew wide and his face paled._

_When he finished, he looked up at her, a question on his lips, but Marlene held up a hand to stay his condolences._

_“I’m going to kill him,” she said, her voice calm and even.  “I’m going to make him feel such pain that he will pray for death, and then I’m going to kill him.”_

 

_._

_April 29, 1979_

 

_“Do you, James Charlus, take Lily Edeline as your wife to love and to cherish as an equal in all things, to share in your joys and your triumphs as well as your losses and defeats? To stand beside for all your days to come?” Dumbledore spoke with a twinkle in his eyes._

_“I do.”_

_James Potter had never looked so serious in his entire life._

_“And do you, Lily Edeline, take James Charlus as your husband to love and to cherish as an equal in all things, to share in your joys and your triumphs as well as your losses and defeats? To stand beside for all your days to come?”_

_“I do.”_

_Lily’s voice was quiet but clear, and the love shining from her eyes washed over the entire room like a blessing._

_“Then I declare you bonded for life.”_

_With a wave of his wand, the couple before him glowed brilliantly for a moment._

_“You may -”_

_But James had already pulled Lily into a kiss so passionate it had the audience exploding into cheers and applause._

_Marlene smiled so wide her cheeks began to ache, but she didn’t care. This was perfect._

_._

 

_October 31, 1981_

 

Marlene burrowed deeper into the warmth of her covers as she awakened. 

         James and Lily.  She smiled. They were so in love. She remembered with a quiet laugh back to when she and Lily hadn’t spoken for weeks after an argument they’d gotten over about her less than kind treatment of James. And look where they were now.

         The day of their wedding had been a blinding moment of light in the otherwise suffocating darkness of the war.  They had all lived in fear, every day, not knowing who to trust, not knowing if they would even make it home for dinner.  But for that one day, every single one of them, from James and Lily to Dumbledore himself, had been able to forget just a little bit that they were fighting against the greatest threat in living memory, had been able to forget all that they had already lost.  James and Lily were proof that, even in the darkest of times, light would always shine through - if only for a moment.

She heard Addie begin to stir in her crib on the other side of the room, and Marlene reluctantly dragged herself from the warm cocoon of her covers.  Addie had pulled herself up to stand with her hands wrapped around the crib bars. Her dark hair, still in the form of baby-soft ringlets, was mussed from sleep, and her pretty grey eyes were wide and sparkling.  Marlene let out a pained sigh at the sight.  Her daughter looked so much like Sirius it made her heart hurt.

“Mumma up!” Addie commanded, bouncing a little.

“What do you say?” Marlene asked her daughter. The baby girl had proven to be a very good talker and listener, and she understood more and more every day.

“Up, _pease!_ ” She whined in her little voice, pouting adorably. Marlene had to smile at that.  Her puppy-dog eyes and jutting lower lip made her look just like her father.

“Ok, angel.”

She scooped the little girl up and balanced her on her hip.  She walked over to the window and drew the shades aside, and Addie placed her chubby little hand against the glass.

“Brrr,” she said, pulling her hand away and burrowing back into Marlene’s chest.

“Brrr, is right.  It’s almost winter.  Are you excited for winter, little love?”

Addie only looked up at her with a serious, confused expression on her tiny features.

“Are you excited for winter?” She repeated. “You’ll see the snow, and we’ll have Christmas.”

“Santa!” Addie cried happily.

Marlene chuckled.  She had told Addie all about Father Christmas the day before, and the American term for the fictional figure was Addie’s new favorite word.

“Yes, Santa will come. But do you know what today is?”

Addie just babbled a nonsense jumble of words at her in response.  Well, she was only a little over fourteen months, Marlene conceded; she had plenty of time to become a better conversation partner.

“Look,” she pointed through the glass to a house across the street.  Two children, one in a set of fairy wings and the other in a cowboy hat both with their school bags on and lunch sacks in hand, were being ushered by their mother into the car. “We’ll have to get your costume on. You’re going to make a perfect kitty cat for Halloween.”

“Ha’ween?”

Marlene nodded.  It was close enough.

“That’s right, angel.  Today is Halloween.”

 

.

 

_November 3, 1979_

 

         _Marlene’s heart sank into her stomach when she and Lily apparated to the cottage Merrick was sharing with Katherine and baby Daveney and the first thing she saw was the glowing green of the Dark Mark suspended above the little house.  She shot a look back at Lily, a warning in her deep brown eyes, and the two young women drew their wands._

_The door stood ajar.  She pushed it open the rest of the way with a shaking hand._

_The mirror that normally hung on the wall in the hall lay shattered on the ground.  The glass crunched noisily under their cautious footsteps._

_Lily grabbed Marlene’s wrist tightly, stopping her from entering the living room._

_“Wait,” she mouthed. Before waving her wand slightly. “Homenum Revelio!”_

_When nothing happened, she nodded and released Marlene’s wrist._

_The sight that greeted them in the den made bile rise in her throat, and she had to clap a hand over her mouth to suppress it.  Lily was not so lucky, and ducked to the side to empty to contents of her stomach._

_The first thing she noticed was Merrick.  She was sprawled upon the ground - almost gracefully - with her blonde hair fanned around her lovely face and her chocolate eyes staring unseeing at the ceiling.  Her body was in perfect condition, and if it weren’t for her empty gaze, she could have been simply asleep.  The killing curse - at least it had been quick._

_Marlene felt as if the blood was leeching out of her extremities. Another sibling dead. Her proud, beautiful sister who had always been a strong, immovable force in her life was gone. It didn’t seem possible._

_“Oh Merlin,” Lily sobbed, bringing a hand to her mouth. “Oh_ God.”

_“Wha-” Marlene began, but her words died in her throat as she followed Lily’s gaze to a spot on the floor further into the room._

_Baby Daveney.  The blood - it was barbaric - slaughter -_

_She conjured a blanket over the tiny body.  She couldn’t look._

_But it was the sight at the far wall that made time freeze and her blood rush in her ears._

_Katherine, her brother’s beautiful widow, stood against the wall. But then Marlene realized she wasn’t_ standing. _Her arms were raised above her head, crossed at the wrists, and stuck to the wall by some invisible force. Her body hung limply with her toes just brushing the ground, and her head lolled to the side._

_Her neck was slit clean across and blood, so strikingly red, flowed down slicking her dress to her body and pooling slightly on the floor._

_Above her on the wallpaper, painted in the very same red that coated Katherine’s body, was a single word._

_MUDBLOOD._

 

_._

 

_December 31, 1979_

 

_“I’ll go,” Marlene volunteered._

_She was at an Order meeting, and Dumbledore was asking for volunteers to go on a mission being led by Sirius and Sturgis Podmore that would take place in four days, two days after the New Year.  They were raiding one of Yaxley’s homes that was reportedly being used as a minor Death Eater base. Edgar Bones and Dorcas were going, as well as Frank Longbottom and James - much to their pregnant wives’ mutual dismay. They needed one more volunteer. Marlene knew she shouldn’t be going in her condition, she should stay behind...but word had it Travers would be there.  And dammit, she wanted her revenge. For Michael._

_“No you won’t,” Moody said gruffly, dismissing her offer.  Dumbledore shot him a questioning glance that went unanswered._

_“Why not?! I want to go!” Marlene made to stand in her chair, but Lily clamped a hand down on her thigh to steady her._

_“I said no, McKinnon.”_

_“Hey, wait just a minute,” Sirius interjected, rising from his chair to stare Moody down.  “This is my mission, and if Marlene wants to go -”_

_“I don’t care if you want your little girlfriend to come and keep you company.  I won’t have her going with you.  Now sit down, Black, so we can finish this meeting.”_

_Sirius sank back into his chair, eyes flashing and shoulders tense. He and Marlene shared a look of mutual frustration but kept quiet._

_The meeting was soon dismissed, and most of the members went to congregate in the next room for a drink to celebrate the holiday season. Moody and Dumbledore stayed behind, and Marlene pulled Sirius aside so that they could remain in the hallway after the others had left.  Sirius looked down in her in confusion, but she only shook her head at his obliviousness and gestured towards the slightly cracked door._

_He nodded in comprehension, and pressed up against her back so they could both get their ears close to the opening to hear the conversation between the two wizards on the other side._

_“I would ask, Alastor, why it is that you forbade Miss McKinnon from participating in the mission.  She is an exceptionally talented witch.  Surely you cannot deny that she has grown in power since joining our cause?” Dumbledore’s questioned in his serene voice._

_“I have my reasons, Albus,” Moody grumbled._

_“I do not doubt that you do.  I simply beg of you to share them.”_

_“Black’s powerful, he’s a good strategist, he’s got leadership skills, and he knows the inside of that house better than any of us, but I don’t trust him. You know he killed two without need at the Potters’ last year, and you saw what he did to Travers in that skirmish up north a week ago.  Cursed him within an inch of his life, but let him live on purpose - and don’t pretend you don’t know why he did it, either.”_

_Marlene looked up over her shoulder at Sirius, eyebrows raised. She hadn’t heard about Travers._

_“I left him for you,” he whispered in her ear. She gave his hand a thankful squeeze._

_“And what does this have to do with Miss McKinnon’s participation?”_

_“You’ve seen how she’s deteriorated - and I’m talking about her mental state as well as the...nature of her magic.  He’s trigger happy, and she’s a disaster waiting to happen. They’re a dangerous combination, and you know they’ll do nothing to hold each other back if one of them crosses the line.”_

_Moody sounded frustrated._

_Marlene felt like she had been slapped.  Had she and Sirius really become so destructive? She knew the war had changed them, and Sirius was fond of magic that flirted too close to Dark, but they were still of the Light. They were still good fighters._

_“Albus, with all due respect, I’ll say this once and I won’t say it again. I don’t trust him, and she’s one dead family member away from a breakdown that’ll wipe out everything in its path. Those two are mentally unstable and they feed off each other. I don’t want them anywhere near each other on missions from now on. No overlaps unless absolutely necessary.”_

_Marlene had heard enough.  She grabbed Sirius by the arm and dragged him away from the door._

_“Are you alright?” He asked her once they were far enough away to speak freely._

_“Fine,” she seethed, beginning to pace. “He just doesn’t understand what it’s like - doesn’t understand why we - that we_ have _to -”_

 _“I’m gonna kill him,” Sirius snarled, running a hand furiously through his hair. “How dare he say those things about me? How_ dare _he say those things about_ you _?”_

_“Moody’s an arse.”_

_“Agreed.”_

_“Come on, let’s go join the others,” Marlene sighed, wrapping an arm around his waist and leading them into the next room._

_“Finally!” Gideon Prewett called upon seeing their entrance._

_“Take a little detour?” Fabian teased, eyebrows waggling._

_Sirius only winked, earning loud guffaws from the twins._

_The Marauders, the Longbottoms, and Lily were clustered over near the table laden with butterbeer, fire whiskey, and muggle champagne.  When Sirius and Marlene joined them, James greeted them with a grin and two flutes of champagne._

_“There you are!” He smiled, and Marlene noticed that his eyes were slightly unfocused. He practically shoved the glasses into their hands. “You’ve got to try this muggle stuff! I was skeptical at first, but Lily promised me I would like it, and well, it’s bloody fantastic.”_

_“Thanks, Prongs,” Sirius grinned at his friend before tapping the rim of his glass to Marlene’s. “Cheers, love.”_

_He drained his glass in one gulp, and she just shook her head indulgently._

_“We should all go out for a proper drink some time.  Somewhere muggle, where we’ll be safe,” Sirius said, looking around the circle of their closest friends._

_“How about this weekend?” Alice offered._

_“Can’t,” Marlene sighed. “I’m going home to visit what remains of my family. They’re all living at the manor now.”_

_“When you get home?” Lily asked._

_Marlene nodded enthusiastically, and they all made plans to connect soon._

_She eyed Remus warily; it was the first they had seen him in months, and quite frankly, she was surprised he had agreed to go out with them.  She and Sirius had discussed the subject of the werewolf’s loyalties at length, and they had both come to the uncomfortable conclusion that they didn’t entirely trust him anymore.  It wasn’t a particularly traumatic realization for Marlene, as they had never been close, especially after the incident with Snape and the passage through the Willow in sixth year.  Sirius, however, was shattered.  And yet he’d forbidden her from having him round when she was home alone.  She’d tried to tell him it was unlikely she’d have him round anyway._

_“Oi, everybody!” Caradoc Dearborn shouted.  His full cheeks were slightly pink from drinking, and his jovial expression earned several smiles from the occupants of the room. “Let’s get that photograph we’re always going on about, yeah?”_

_Everyone cheered, and slowly but surely formed into a handful of rows. It was certain that not everybody had a clear shot at the camera, but they couldn’t bring themselves to care. Marlene tucked herself in with Dorcas on her left and Sirius to her right.  Beside Sirius stood James, Lily, and Peter.  The smiles on their faces shone brighter than any curses that had left their wands in that dreadful war, and in the split-second of the camera flash, that was all that mattered._

_About ten minutes later found Marlene leaning comfortably into Sirius’ side in a far corner of their room as they watched the Prewett twins transfiguring each other to sport multi-colored hair and abnormally large noses._

_“Aren’t you going to drink that?” Sirius asked her quietly, looking pointedly down at the untouched glass of champagne in Marlene’s hand._

_Marlene debated for a moment how to answer him._

_“Better not,” she said cryptically before emptying the drink into a nearby potted plant._

_“Hey! I could have -” He paused, a suspicious shadow falling over his handsome face. “Wait, why did you -?”_

_She bit her lip and grinned nervously up at him.  When he failed to connect the dots, she threw caution to the wind, and after glancing around to see if anyone was watching, took his hand and placed it lightly on her lower stomach._

_Sirius’ eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open._

_“Are you - are we - you’re -”_

_“I’m pregnant,” Marlene whispered nervously._

_“You’re pregnant,” he said as if he wasn’t sure of the taste of the words on his tongue.  “I’m going to be a father.  We’re having a baby!”_

_“Shhh!” She managed to scold before he pulled her in for a deep kiss that left her breathless._

_When he finally released her lips, he leaned his forehead down to hers as their breath mingled, and he tangled a hand in her hair._

_“I love you so much,” he said seriously.  “You make me so happy, Marlene.”_

_Her heart soared. She had been so worried._

_“We’re doing this all wrong, you know.”_

_“What do you mean?” He asked, drawing back in confusion._

_“Well just look at James and Lily, and Alice and Frank,” she gestured vaguely in their direction. “They’re married. They all live in proper houses now that James bought the cottage in Godric’s Hollow.  We live in sin in a one bedroom apartment, and just got called mentally unstable by the most unstable person we know - excluding most of your family, of course.”_

_Sirius stared at her long and hard, his expression unreadable, before grabbing her hand and dragging her through a set of french doors and out onto the balcony._

_“What are you doing?”_

_He shut the glass doors, satisfied when he saw that no one on the other side of the glass was paying them any attention._

_“I - shit,” he ran a hand over his jaw. “This isn’t how I should be doing this, but dammit - you know, I told you the very first day I wouldn’t be like Prongs - and...oh Marls I -”_

_“Sirius,” she grasped both of his hands in hers. “Calm down.”_

_He took a deep breath and smiled at her crookedly._

_“Marlene McKinnon, I love you so damn much.”_

_“I love you too, Sirius,” she replied, thoroughly amused._

_“No, you don’t understand. Some days I think I could survive without food, water, oxygen - if I just had you. If I lost you...I don’t know what I would do. I’d -”_

_“Probably lose your mind. And be really sexually frustrated,” she teased._

_“Dammit woman, stop interrupting!” He pressed a finger to her lips. “What I’m trying to say is, I love you. I love you, and it took me too long to figure it out, and I’m sick of wasting time.  We’re not so cute together that it turns your stomach like Frank and Alice, our love probably wasn’t written in the stars like James and Lily, but I don’t need cute, and I don’t need an epic romance for the ages.  I just need you.”_

_Marlene’s palms began to sweat. She had a feeling she knew where this was going..._

_Sirius sank down onto one knee._

_“Marlene Ceana McKinnon, will you marry me?”_

_Marlene’s heart took off on gilded wings.  Her soul was a bird. She didn’t think she’d ever been happier in her life...but the timing.  Hadn’t she just told him minutes ago that she was pregnant? Was he only marrying her because of the baby? They had talked about settling down, but both agreed that they weren’t ready.  They wanted to focus on being young, not to mention fighting in the war._

_And the bird was shot down._

_“Sirius, get up,” she sighed wearily._

_“What?”_

_“I said get up. Get off your damn knees.”_

_Slowly, Sirius rose to his feet._

_“Is that a no?” He asked, as if he hadn’t even considered that possibility._

_“Of course it’s a no,” she growled, running one hand through her long hair and absently resting the other on her still-flat stomach.  “We both know why you’re doing this.”_

_“Bloody hell, Marlene. So you’ll have my baby but you won’t marry me?”_

_His expression was darkening rapidly._

_“Not right now, I won’t.  I - I just...can’t.”_

_“You can’t. Can’t or won’t?”_

_She bit her lip and looked away, tears threatening to fall._

_“What are you so afraid of?” He laid a hand on her arm, but she shrugged him off._

_“I’m not afraid,” she said defiantly, jutting her chin out at him._

_“I’ve known you all our lives. Don’t you dare try to lie to me,” he threatened, his voice even. “What are you afraid of?”_

_She didn’t answer him._

_“What are you afraid of?!” He shouted, gripping the tops of her arms roughly._

_“I’M AFRAID OF YOU!”_

_He let go of her and stepped back until his back was pressed against the balcony._

_“Me?”_

_The expression of pain on his face sent her over the edge._

_“I-I’m afraid that you-” She sobbed violently, wrapping her arms around herself. “You’ll re-regret this b-because, you’re only asking because I’m...because I’m pregnant.”_

_His expression softened instantly, and in two long strides, he gathered her up in his arms._

_“Marlene,” he said softly, tilting her chin up to look her in the eyes. “I’ve wanted to marry you since we were sixteen.”_

_She blinked owlishly up at him._

_“I was waiting because you wanted to wait.  But when you told me about the baby,_ our _baby,” he placed a hand tenderly on her stomach. “I just couldn’t wait anymore.”_

_He removed his hand from her stomach to dig into a pocket in his robes. He withdrew a black velvet box._

_“I asked Dorea to remove this from the Black Family vaults the day after we went to see the cottage by the sea in Lynmouth.”_

_He placed the box in her hands.  Inside was a ring with a trio of diamonds and an ornately carved bezel.  She could feel the magic that radiated from the ancient piece of jewelry._

_“So, you silly, stubborn witch, will you put on this fucking ring, and promise me that someday in the near future you’ll do me the honor of marrying me, making me the happiest bloke in Britain, and ensuring this baby is born a Black?”_

_Marlene laughed loud and clear, her tears all but forgotten._

_“Of course.”_

_He slipped the ring onto her finger and kissed her, hard._

_They broke apart when the room they had left behind erupted into cheers. Marlene buried her head in Sirius’ chest and looked sheepishly at the Order.  At some point, someone had opened the doors to watch the show, and they hadn’t even noticed._

_“Oi!” Sirius shouted. “Can’t you lot bugger off so I can kiss my fiancé in peace?”_

 

_._

 

_January 7, 1980_

 

 _Marlene pulled on her new dragon hide boots - a Christmas present from her Aunt Moira - and checked her reflection in the mirror.  She kept expecting to wake up one day and suddenly look pregnant - Alice and Lily were already starting to show a bit - but she had to keep reminding herself that she barely a few weeks gone._ Of course _she didn’t look pregnant yet. At least that meant it would be a surprise when she told her family.  Wizarding pregnancies could be detected so early, it would be months before she was sporting any bump. Deciding that her cream colored jumper, dark denim trousers, and new boots were nice enough for dinner at home, she donned her wool cloak and headed out into the living room._

_“Ready to go?” Sirius asked from the couch._

_He was dressed smartly - which for him meant that his muggle denims had no holes, his shirt had a collar, and his thick hair was pulled into a little ponytail at the nape of his neck.  He was going to dinner at Andromeda’s._

_“Yep,” she nodded._

_Sirius snatched up his coat, but stopped her right before they left the flat._

_“Here,” he said, wrapping an old Gryffindor scarf around her neck. “Can’t have you coming down with anything. Not with our little girl in there.”_

_She looked down at where he had placed a hand on her stomach before fixing him with a skeptical smirk._

_“I don’t think it has a gender yet, Sirius.”_

_“But it will, and when it does, it will be a girl.”_

_“You’re awfully confident, aren’t you?”_

_“Don’t tell me you’ve just come to that conclusion.”_

_Marlene giggled and pressed a kiss to his jaw._

_“So do you want to make a bet?” He asked hopefully, drawing her close with an arm around her waist._

_“Of course.”_

_“Ten galleons and a box of Honeydukes says its a girl.”_

_“You’re on. And when it’s a little Sirius Junior, I’ll be just a bit richer.”_

_“And fatter.”_

_He ducked out of the way as she swung her pocketbook at him._

_“Git,” she muttered._

_“Hey, you want to be nice to me, or you won’t get the big surprise I’ve got planned for when you get back.”_

_“Oh, what is it?”_

_“Well I can’t very well tell you if I want it to be a surprise, can I?”_

_She just rolled her eyes and dragged him for the door._

_Once outside the wards on their flat, she grabbed her fiancé firmly by his collar with both hands._

_“You listen to me, Sirius Black.  Don’t you go and get yourself killed before I have a chance to marry you and you get to meet your child, alright?”_

_“The same to you, Marls.”_

_She pulled him down to press a firm kiss to his lips before they apparated to their separate destinations._

_Oddly enough, when they apparated into the dining room in the middle of the second course, her first thought was hardly one of terror: What was it with Death Eaters and interrupting dinner?_

_And then she was on her feet with her wand drawn at the ten unwelcome wizards in her dining room.  They hadn’t bothered to wear masks.  They weren’t planning on survivors._

_Marlene glanced at her family. Her frail mother, her two aunts - one an accomplished duelist and one who jumped at her own shadow, her cousin Calum - brilliant at potions and wizards chess, but not so much at dueling, her teenaged brother, and herself - pregnant, but certainly the most formidable with a wand._

_The Death Eaters had planned accordingly, she realized with sickening finality._

_“Aren’t you going to invite us to sit?”_

_And finally,_ finally, _Marlene was able to put a name and a face to a voice. Travers._

_She saw red._

_“EXVICERO!” A dark orange curse sped from her wand, but Travers dodged at the last moment, and it struck the man behind him._

_The Death Eater and those closest to him were instantly drenched in blood and other less pleasant things as the victim’s intestines exploded through the skin of his stomach and his lower orifices._

_She was vaguely aware of her family staring at her in horror, but she really couldn’t have cared less._

_“Trying to make me expel my entrails? Surely there are more refined ways of killing me,” Travers drawled in a bored tone as he looked over at his dying comrade on the floor._

_“I wasn’t trying to kill you.  I was trying to cause you pain.”_

_“Oh let me guess, for Michael?” His eyes shown with mirth. “How about I let you in on a little secret?” He leaned forward and spoke in an intimate tone that clashed jarringly with their situation. “I killed your sister too.”_

_Marlene didn’t say a word.  But she made sure the look in her eye expressed that she was thinking of exactly how she was going to kill him.  It currently involved making him eat his own eyeballs.  She hoped he knew legilimency._

_“How did you get past our wards?” Her mother asked, her voice deadly calm._

_Marlene had been wondering that herself.  Their wards were full proof.  There was no way to get in without an approved escort._

_“I know he’s American, but that doesn’t excuse you being so careless with him.”_

_A Death Eater in the back dragged an unconscious Tyler into the open. Marlene gasped. He had been in St. Mungo’s in a coma all that time._

_“You stole him from the hospital?” She said with disbelief._

_“Brilliant, isn’t it?” Travers smirked. “Oh, and don’t bother trying to apparate, or run for that matter. We’ve set our own wards. Nobody leaves.”_

_“Is he still alive?” Max asked. He’d idolized Tyler._

_“For now.”_

_“Are you going to kill us?” Max’s voice quivered._

_“Of course we are, little McKinnon.”_

_Nobody moved._

_Nobody except Travers who turned his head, ever so slowly, to look at the burly Death Eater who was supporting Tyler._

_He winked._

_The Death Eater snapped Tyler’s neck._

_“CONTEGUOUS!” A wide yellow shield erupted from her wand and protected her entire family from a barrage of curses.  It was the strongest shield she had ever cast._

_It felt like hours, but it only lasted minutes.  They never made it out of the dining room.  She was casting so quickly, so powerfully that her vision began to cloud and darken at the edges.  She tried to keep an eye on everyone at once, but it was too much._

_...Calum diving in front of his mother to protect her from a curse that ended up crushing his skull..._

_...Her mother howling like a banshee as she killed two Death Eaters with a powerful Reductor..._

_...Moira and Max duelling back to back against five wizards in black..._

_...A man covered in too much hair ripping into Andrea’s throat with his teeth..._

_...Moira hit by a curse that sliced her open from nose to navel..._

_“MUM! GET DOWN!” Marlene screamed._

_Deirdre dropped to the ground and Marlene shot purple flames with her wand, smirking in satisfaction when they collided with two Death Eaters. Sirius had taught her that curse._

_With a running leap, she somersaulted across the table only to land on her feet and cover Max’s back._

_She watched with a distracted horror as a neat, perfectly aimed green bolt of light left the tip of Mulciber’s wand and hit her mother in the back of the head._

_“MUM!!!” Max screamed behind her._

_“STAY FOCUSED!” Marlene ordered. There was no time for grief, she kept telling herself._

_They were going to die, but she’d be damned if she didn’t go down fighting._

_There was a brief moment of stillness, a collective inhalation of breath, as the remaining living realized that it was just Marlene and Max, the babies of the family back to back and terrified, against four Death Eaters._

_And then the stillness broke and they were back to hurtling curses._

_“CRUCIO!”_

_The curse fell from her lips without thought, and one of her opponents dropped to the ground screaming, but she didn’t have time to hold the curse._

_“PROTEGO!” Max shouted, but she heard the unmistakable sound of a shield shattering followed by a cry of pain._

_“Ok, Maxxie?” She called over her shoulder._

_“Slicing hex!” He called back.  He was fine. He was strong, her little brother._

_“RIMOR CUTIS!”_

_Her target’s flesh split like the skin of an overripe peach and his scream made her see stars._

_“VENTRIS DISPLODIS!”_

_“PROTEGO!” She screamed with everything she had._

_When the light of her shield faded, she was met with the smirking face of Travers. That curse had been meant to make her womb explode. He_ knew.

_“AVA-” The curse was on her lips when a pale blue bolt of light slammed into the side of her head, and her vision went blindingly white for a split second._

_When it cleared, she only had time to register Travers’ cold, blue eyes before the killing curse flew off his tongue and the jet of green sped in her direction._

_She was so tired.  She was going to die anyway.  Better a killing curse than something nastier._

_But then, it that impossibly small space of time between the words that called for her death and the event itself, she remembered the life inside her. Not her life, but her_ child’s _life. Her’s and Sirius’._

_And she dropped to the floor._

_Only to hear a soft, breathy “oh!” of surprise as the curse that was meant for her collided with her little brother._

_“MAX!!! NO! MAX!”_

_She forgot all about Travers and his remaining two lackeys._

_“Max! Max, wake up!” She shook her brother violently, but his brilliant green eyes - he was the only one in the family that had received them - stared unseeingly. “Max, please, please Maxxie I’m sorry. I’m sorry so sorry. Please wake up!”_

_But he didn’t wake up._

_“He’s dead.”_

_She looked up into Travers’ face and all she felt was death.  His death.  She’d see him dead if it was the last thing she did.  She didn’t care if she died that night.  She’d fucking find a way to come back and make him beg for mercy before she killed him._

_She rose to her feet._

_“You’re an impressive witch, Miss McKinnon. We could use you. He could use you.”_

_She didn’t reply. She didn’t have to; her murderous glare said it all. Never._

_And again she felt the urge to fire off a dozen more curses, go down in a blaze of glory because what else could she do?_

_But this wasn’t just about her._

_She had to survive. She had to get out of that house._

_And then it hit her._

_“Ignis bellua,” she whispered with a deadly calm, as flames erupted from the tip of her wand._

_With a smirk at Travers, she threw her wand at one of the windows.  With a deafening BOOM, the wards broke, shattering the windows.  Marlene leapt straight into cloud of pulverized glass and out a window, hit the ground with a roll, and was up and running as her childhood home burst into flames behind her._

_In the biting cold of the January dawn, Marlene ran until it felt as if she was losing a bit of her lungs with each exhale.  She ran until her vision began to spot._

_But it was spotting white, not black as if she were about to faint._

_She stopped running and doubled over, trying to catch her breath.  Why was she running anyway?_

_She started suddenly as she realized she didn’t know._

_Where was she?_

_She whipped her head around, taking in her surroundings.  It was a road. What road was it? Why was she on a road? Where was she going to? Better yet, where was she coming from?_

_She sank to her knees, a searing pain seeming to cleave her brain in two. Her vision filled with white. She screamed, but no one was around to hear._

_And on the side of a road, brought to her knees, she forgot her own name._  


	6. Chapter 6

 

_November 11, 1981_

 

         When Marlene woke, her pillow was wet beneath her cheek and her eyes ached. The only revelation that she seemed capable of processing—the only one that didn’t make her stomach turn in horror—was that she had been the one to burn her house to the ground.  That was unexpected.

         Addie’s stirring pulled her from bed, and she hastily donned a dressing gown to combat the cold; November had come with a freezing vengeance that year. She reached down into the crib to retrieve her daughter, but she paused, hands suspended in the air.  They were pale with a few freckles, long fingers, and bitten—but not ragged—nails. And yet they had held a wand that killed.  She was a murderer. She’d made a man _explode._ How could she touch her innocent baby daughter with those hands?

         Tripping over her own feet, she backed away from the crib and sank down to the edge of the bed with her arms limp at her sides.  She knew she was being ridiculous, that they were just _hands,_ and no more sinister than any other part of her body.  But any sense of rationality seemed to have deserted her.

         She was a killer _several times over._ She’d thanked Sirius for torturing a man within an inch of his life, but still leaving him breathing so that she could one day finish the job—

         Addie was calling her, her frustrated baby demands beginning to escalate to tears

         —But she _hadn’t_ finished the job. Travers had surely escaped when she broke the wards, and the thought filled her with rage. She hadn’t gotten revenge for her family; she hadn’t even been able to protect them.  It was her faultthat Max was dead. That curse had been meant for her, but she ducked even though she _knew_ he was behind her. She’d as good as killed him.

         Addie was crying.

         She’d killed her baby brother.

         “Mumma!” Addie demanded through her tears, and Marlene jolted to her feet.

         She shoved down her guilt and horror into a place it could not reach her from and staggered to her feet.  She wrung her hands once, twice, a third time, before lifting her daughter into her arms.

         “Sorry angel. Mummy’s just a bit distracted.”

         She buried her nose in Addie’s soft hair, inhaling her baby-smell. She didn’t even notice she had begun to cry until Addie began to fuss at the moisture falling on her hair and forehead.

         She looked up at Marlene with a disgruntled expression that could have been copied right from Sirius’ face.  _Merlin,_ she had to get out of Edinburgh and back to London. She knew everything that had happened now, and though it was a dangerous world she would be bringing her daughter back into, and her family was dead, there were people that needed her.  People that probably thought she was dead, she realized with a start.

         Sirius would be destroyed, thinking he had lost her and their then-unborn child. She had to go. She had to go right away.

         Brought to life with purpose, Marlene quickly went downstairs to feed Addie a hurried breakfast. Fiona was at the hospital with a double shift and wouldn’t be home until late that night.  That gave her plenty of a head start.

         She found an old duffle bag in the hall closet into which she shoved a change of clothes for herself, most of Addie’s clothes, and the rest of their meager belongings.  She bundled the two of them up against the cold, and with a last look around the sparse room that she had inhabited for almost two years, she made her way downstairs.

         After much deliberation, she left a hastily scrawled goodbye, which she left on the countertop with a 20-pound note. 

_Fiona,_

_I remember now. Thanks for everything._

_Marlene_

_ps. the money’s for the duffle bag._

It wasn’t enough thanks for the woman who had taken her in, but with each passing minute, her time with Fiona began to slip away as if it had been nothing but a dream.  But she had a life to get back to, a _real_ life. A life where she was strong, a warrior, and a bit of a rebel—not this quiet, lost person she had become.

 

.

 

         Marlene stepped off the muggle train at King’s Cross and smiled faintly at the familiar hustle and bustle.  Some of the muggles were hurrying from place to place with purpose, while others wandered aimlessly or chatted with their companions.  She watched them wistfully as she set about buckling Addie into her pram and attempting to heft the duffle bag into a comfortable position on her shoulder.  Oh, to be as unburdened as the muggles seemed with their simple lives and non-magical problems.

         With a little shake of her head, she made her way outside onto the street and hailed a cab.

         “Where to?” the driver barked gruffly as she slid into the back seat with Addie.

         She didn’t have a car seat, and she prayed the driver was safe. Muggle travel was so dangerous.

         “Where to?” he repeated his question when Marlene didn’t answer right away.

         _Where to?_ Now wasn’t that a question.  The way she saw it, she had two options. She could go to the Leaky and find out what she had missed, or she could go see Sirius.  _As if she had a choice._

         A while later, after a frankly terrifying ride through the crowded streets of London, they arrived at the address she gave to the driver. She paid him without regret, knowing she’d have no need of her muggle money soon, unloaded her belongings, and stepped into a dingy alleyway that smelled faintly of urine.

         She approached a rusty, metal door set into one of the walls. To a muggle, the door would always be locked, but when she closed her hand around the doorknob, it reacted to her magic and swung open.  She pushed the pram through and right onto a narrow cobbled street lined with a collection of walk-ups and town homes.  Haverdam Roadwas a little, hidden residential wizarding street—one of many in London—and the place where she and Sirius had lived after Hogwarts.  They’d chosen it because it was very close to an area of muggle London that was overflowing with bars and people that dressed in wild clothing who seemed quite fond of dying their hair unnatural colors, piercing inappropriate parts of their bodies, and playing music at deafening volume until the wee hours of the morning. Sirius and Marlene had fallen in love with the area immediately.   Marlene’s staunchly proper and politely-pureblood family was horrified, naturally.

Lamenting the loss of her wand that would have made juggling a child, a pram, and a duffle bag an easy task, she strapped Addie into a front carrier and dragged her belongings up the stairs and into the nearest building that sported a cheery yellow exterior with orange painted doors. She and Sirius lived on the second floor, so she left her things in the entry and took the stairs two at a time with Addie in her arms.

When she knocked at apartment 2B and the door swung open, she was expecting to see Sirius’ handsome face on the other side. What she was not expecting, however, was for an elderly man with an annoyed expression to answer and demand to know what she was doing pounding on his door and interrupting his afternoon nap. After explaining rather awkwardly that she was looking for her fiancé and could have sworn he lived there, the man finally informed her that he’d bought the flat and moved in January of 1980.

That would have been right after Marlene had gone home to see her family, she realized. After a bit more fishing, she learned that the man had never met Sirius, but the lady who arranged the sale told him the previous owner had decided to move into a little cottage in the West Country. At that, Marlene hastily thanked the man and dashed back down the stairs.

A cottage in the West Country! It had to be the little one by the sea in Lynmouth; Sirius had been so in love with it. It was far fetched, but it wasn’t like she could just go waltzing into the Leaky and asking if anyone knew where Sirius Black lived.  Last she remembered, there was a war on, and she and Sirius had targets on their heads in the Death Eater’s eyes.

She checked her watch—half two in the afternoon—if they hurried, they might be able to make a train that would get them there in time to get a cab.  It would be a late arrival, but it was worth it, she reasoned.  Thankfully, Addie was having a good day, and hadn’t been too fussy.  She thanked Merlin for that; she had enough problems.

 

.

 

         It took a while to search through all her returned memories, but she was eventually able to recall the way out to the little cottage clearly enough to give the driver directions even in the dark.  Addie slept soundly in her lap, exhausted from the long day of traveling, but Marlene was wide-awake with excitement. It was like someone had lit a spark under her skin, and her every nerve ending burned brighter the closer they got. 

         When they pulled into the driveway, the cottage windows were dark. She asked the driver to wait—which earned her a baleful glance and a reluctant nod that she countered with a sharp glare—while she dashed up to the door to check and see if her hunch was correct, that Sirius had indeed bought the cottage.  She let out a sigh of relief when she recognized a familiar pair of his shoes by the door. She dashed back to the waiting car, unloaded Addie and her belongings, and paid the driver with the remainder of her meager supply of muggle money.

         Hiking a sleepy Addie higher on her hip, she knocked hard on the door several times.  The windows were dark, so he had to be asleep, so she made sure to knock hard enough to wake him up. But when there was no answer after several minutes, her heart sunk a little in her chest.  _He must be out,_ she reasoned.  Probably with James or Peter. _Or maybe another witch,_ her mind supplied unhelpfully, but she shook the thought away.  Sure, it had been a while, but he wouldn’t...he couldn’t...

         She tried the door, and to her surprise, it swung inward on creaky hinges. She dropped the bag and folded up pram just inside and groped along the wall until she found the light switch.

         The den flooded with light, and the first thing she noticed was the collection of bottles on the coffee table: fire whiskey, muggle beer and liquor. Sirius had certainly always liked his alcohol—so had she, for that matter, she admitted to herself. The hardwood floors were filthy; she noticed the pretty rug they’d had in the flat rolled and leaned against the wall in the far corner of the living room.  The fireplace had been magically enlarged since the last time she’d been there, and she noticed a small pot of floo powder on the otherwise empty mantle.  There were boxes all over the place with familiar belongings spilling out of them.

         Her arm was beginning to tire from holding onto Addie, so she swept a pile of food wrappers and old copies of the Daily Prophet from the sofa to the ground and lay the sleeping child down.  Addie stirred slightly, but did not wake, so Marlene removed her jacket and draped it over her as a blanket, bunching it slightly in a way that would prevent her from rolling off and onto the floor.  Confident that her little girl was out for the night, Marlene made her way down the hall to the master bedroom.  The sight that greeted her was not the sleeping Sirius she had optimistically wished for, or even the empty bed she’d expected. It was just a room full of boxes.

         Curious, she pulled open the flaps on the one nearest her.  It was full of shoes—Marlene’s shoes. The next three boxes held her books, mostly potions texts and a mix of muggle and wizarding literature. The rest were full of her clothing, beauty products, and trinkets and things she’d been particularly attached to.  Her Hogwarts trunk was there as well, with her old uniforms and school supplies still inside.

         Feeling distinctly unnerved, she left and shut the door quietly behind her.

         The first bedroom upstairs was entirely empty.  The second bedroom, however, was a sorry sight.

         Sirius’ clothes and other belongings were scattered haphazardly across the floor, and the bottom drawer on the single dresser seemed to have fallen out, as it was sitting overturned with its contents spilled around it. The large mattress from their bed at the apartment lay on the floor with a messy nest of blankets and sheets atop it.  There was nothing on the walls. In fact, there was nothing on the walls anywhere in the cottage.

         Was this really how Sirius had been living all this time? Hadn’t anyone seen this mess? She had a hard time imagining James and Lily letting it happen.

         Having deduced that Sirius was still out (it was only one in the morning, and he had always been a night owl) she made her way back down the kitchen to find something to eat. There were unwashed dishes in the sink, and she could smell the plate of food on the counter the moment she entered the room. It looked to be a very rotten plate of what had once been a half-eaten piece of pizza, maybe two weeks old judging by the state of it.  Something niggled at the back of Marlene’s head at that.  It was clear Sirius didn’t pick up after himself (not that he ever had), but this was ridiculous.  It _stank._  And thanks to Padfoot, he had a sensitive nose. She opened the fridge, only to be greeted by nothing but sour milk and a handful of muggle beers.

         Realizing that she would not be eating after all, she collected Addie from the couch and made her way upstairs to Sirius’ room.  She deposited the girl in the middle of the mattress before settling down herself. 

         The sheets and pillows didn’t even smell like him. 

         The mess, the rotting food, the scentless bed...it didn’t sit right.

         Where was he?

 

.

 

_November 12, 1981_

 

         The next morning, Marlene fed Addie the last of the baby food she’d packed, but her own stomach was painfully hollow.  Sirius hadn’t come home as she’d hoped, and she was as without answers as she’d been the night before.  She had to find out what was going on, and she had to do it right away.  She decided to just floo to Lily and James’ place in Godric’s Hollow.  Hopefully they hadn’t moved.  Hopefully Lily would be there to give Marlene the hot meal and comfort she was so desperately craving.

         It took her almost thirty minutes to muster enough wandless magic to make a fire.  She couldn’t help but think that she should have been able to manage that much quicker; she was much too out of practice.  Finally, she settled Addie on her hip, snatched up a handful of floo powder, and shouted “Potter Cottage!”

         Nothing happened. Well that was odd.

         She tried again and got the same result.  Maybe they’d disconnected their floo?  Lily had never liked the idea of people just being able to pop in unannounced—especially since she and Sirius had made a habit of flooing straight into the Potter’s living room as if they lived there themselves.

         So after much waffling back and forth, she decided to just stick her head through to the Leaky to make sure it was all right.  She could just pop in, and if it was safe, she’d go through all the way with Addie and figure out what was going on. She was wandless with a fourteen month old; she couldn’t afford to be anything but overly cautious. It was certainly a new mode of operation for her when compared to all her memories before the attack.

         None of the patrons noticed as her head appeared in the fire of the wizarding pub, but she saw plenty of witches and wizards in high spirits. The atmosphere was jovial and light. When she came through with Addie—who was thoroughly shaken from her first floo experience—no one noticed either.  It was just as well; she had a feeling the Wizarding World wasn’t expecting to see Marlene McKinnon ever again.

         She inhaled the familiar scent of butterbeer and the polish Tom used on the tables and bar.  She’d been away far too long.  But her brief moment of anonymity didn’t last. The crash of glass hitting the floor and a sharp intake of breath was the first indication that she had been spotted. 

         _“Marlene McKinnon?”_ a shocked voice called over to her left. 

         She whipped her head around and spotted its source: Preston Sanders.

         She didn’t have a chance to reply before she felt hands wrap around her shoulders and shove her into the wall.  She found herself looking down the barrel of Tom’s wand.  Addie started to cry in her arms. 

         “Who the bloody hell are you?” he snarled, the expression entirely foreign on his usually kind face.

“Marlene McKinnon.”  The unspoken, _obviously, you idiot,_ hung silently in the air.

         “Like hell you are.” His blue eyes narrowed, and he jabbed the tip of his wand into her neck.  Addie screamed louder, but the sound barely registered to Marlene.  She did not appreciate being threatened, and her fingers twitched, itching for a wand she did not have.  “Prove it.”

         “How do you expect me to do that?” she challenged.  She was at a loss; she barely knew Tom.

         “Sanders! Get your arse over here!” he bellowed unnecessarily; the pub had gone entirely silent.

         Preston hurried over, his face having lost all its color.

         “You went to school with her. Ask her something only she would know,” Tom barked.

         Preston looked like a deer caught in the headlights as he licked his lips nervously.

         “Er—on our Hogsmeade date in sixth year, what were we talking about before my butterbeer exploded in my face?”

         Marlene thanked Merlin, God, and all the Founders that she had all her memories back.

         “Quidditch,” she answered. “You wanted me to root for Hufflepuff in the upcoming match, but I was planning on rooting for Ravenclaw because—”

         “It’s her,” Preston’s hoarse whisper interrupted.

         _“Sweet Merlin,”_ Tom breathed, an unreadable expression on his face.

         He exchanged a loaded glance with Preston.

         “Come with me,” he said kindly, taking her by the elbow.

         Addie quieted in her arms, seeming to feel the tension dissipate.

         “Wait!” Preston’s frantic call halted them in their tracks.  When she turned around, his gaze was fixed on Addie. “Is that...is that Black’s?”

         Marlene’s eyes narrowed at the odd tone of his voice.

         “Yes, Sirius is her father.”

         Preston’s eyes widened comically before her gave a jerky nod of his head and backed away.

         “We’re getting Dumbledore, but first, let’s get you away from all these nosy idiots,” Tom grumbled, directing her out the door in the back that led to the guest rooms. 

         Tom deposited her in one of the guest rooms before backing out again so hastily she thought he was going to trip over his own feet, and Marlene was left alone with her daughter and her worries.

         “Well it looks like you’ll be meeting Dumbledore, little angel,” she murmured.

         “Dum’do,” Addie repeated, causing Marlene to snicker.  She’d like to see him called that to his face.

         “Yes. He’s the greatest wizard alive, you know. I bet you’ll like him; he seems like the grandfatherly type.”

         Addie had nothing to say to that, but she was fussing about in Marlene’s arms, so she let the little girl down to toddle about and explore the small room on her unsteady little legs.  As Marlene watched her bouncing dark curls, her thoughts drifted to Sirius. Where was he? Hopefully not asleep in some ditch after a long night of drinking—it wouldn’t be the first time. Although, now that she thought about it, she had joined him in said ditch upon occasion.  What had she and Sirius been playing at, thinking they were ready to be parents? They’d thought it was going to be so easy. That their lives would barely change.  Sure, they’d have to stop going out to muggle bars so often—reserving that activity for when they could leave the kid with the Potters or the Longbottoms for the night—and figure out how to fit a crib into their shoebox apartment, but other than that, it had seemed like just another adventure to them. She remembered how they’d fondly joked about meshing their irresponsible lifestyle with raising a child...

        

_January 3, 1980_

_Marlene and Sirius sat side by side on the sagging sofa in their little flat. They had their feet propped on the low coffee table—Sirius barefoot despite it being the dead of winter, Marlene in a pair of his too-big woolen socks—and were sipping tea from steaming, oversized mugs._

_“You know,” Sirius said absently, running a finger over the rim of his mug. “This tea would taste better with some Ogden’s in it.”_

_Marlene snorted. “Everything would taste better with some Ogden’s in it.”_

_Sirius nodded in agreement and held his mug out to her, shooting a significant glance in the direction of the kitchen._

_“Are you seriously asking me to get off the couch and go spike your tea for you?” Marlene gave him her Not Amused expression._

_“Er—yes?”_

_She rolled her eyes and pushed his mug away._

_“I’m not getting off this couch to go put whiskey in_ your _tea, when I can’t put any in_ mine.”   _She gestured towards her stomach. “Since it’s your fault I can’t drink, after all, you can do it yourself.”_

_“How is it my fault?” he asked indignantly, brushing his dark hair out of his eyes to get a better look at her._

_“I’m fairly sure you’re familiar with the mechanics of making a baby, Sirius.”_

_He glowered at her in response._

_“But don’t look so glum,” she said slyly, leaning forward and reaching into a box of records, tapes, books, and miscellaneous items. “It’s not like we even keep the liquor in the kitchen!”_

_She pulled out a half-empty bottle of Ogden’s Old Firewhiskey with a flourish and presented it to him._

_“What—you—” he spluttered. “How long has that been in there?”_

_Marlene shrugged and handed him the bottle so he could add some to his tea._

_“I found it about a week ago, and it seemed like a convenient place to keep it, so I left it.”_

_Sirius stuck the bottle back into the box and took a sip of his newly enhanced Earl Grey._

_“I think we should keep all the liquor in the living room,” he said._

_Marlene chuckled. “Right next to the baby toys?”_

_Sirius almost snorted out his tea. “Lily would have our heads. She already thinks we’re going to make terrible parents.”_

_“She does not!” Marlene exclaimed, slapping his shoulder lightly. “She just said it’s a good thing we won’t be the only role models available.”_

_“Because that’s so different?”_

_“It is! We’ll be like the...” she trailed off, thinking. “The cool parents! We’ll take ours, James and Lily’s, and Alice and Frank’s to do all sorts of fun stuff, and leave our boring friends in charge of the dull, responsible activities.”_

_“I like this plan,” Sirius said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “I’ve been telling Prongs his kid is going to like me best anyway. He didn’t seem to find that very funny, oddly enough.”_

_“He’s just worried that you’re right.”_

_Sirius nodded self-importantly and clinked his mug against hers._

 

They’d been so unprepared.  Losing her memories had been good for her transition into motherhood.  She had been unburdened by the reckless, wild darkness that had plagued her and Sirius and gotten them banned from going on missions together by Moody. But now, she didn’t know if she would become that person again, or remain the meek, responsible young woman she had become while living as a muggle.  She felt that after over a year of managing it successfully, she should be perfectly capable of caring for Addie, but she had always had Fiona before, and now she would be on her own with Sirius, who was such a child himself. For the love of Godric, what was she going to do?  The state of the cottage was worrying.  How would Sirius react to having a daughter now that he seemed barely able to take care of himself?  She needed him; she didn’t want to do this by herself.

         A soft tap on the door was the only warning she received before Albus Dumbledore was standing before her in all his magenta-and-turquoise-robed glory.

         “Miss McKinnon, is it truly you?” His blue eyes held no twinkle, but were wide and slightly distressed.

         “It’s me, professor.” She shrugged and gave him a half smile. Addie chose that moment to half crawl, half stumble over and latch onto on of her mother’s legs. “And this is my daughter, Adara.”

         Dumbledore’s white eyebrows crawled impossibly high up his forehead for a split second, and his jaw tensed before his expression softened.

         “I believe you have a story to share with me, my child.”

         Marlene nodded, and gestured for him to sit on the bed, it being the only suitable place for sitting in the room.  The professor only winked and conjured himself a chair instead, leaving her the bed.  _Merlin’s lacy underpants_ , she needed to get her hands on a wand.

         “But first, professor, where’s Sirius?” she asked.  She needed to know he was all right.

         “All in good time, Miss McKinnon.” She opened her mouth to protest, but he held up a hand to silence her.  Her teeth clicked audibly as she snapped her jaw shut, and she felt her face heat, but she kept quiet.  “Please tell me the story of how you sit before me now, and where you have been for the better part of the last two years.”

         It wasn’t really a request.

         So Marlene told him the tale of what happened when she went home to visit her family, of waking up in the hospital without any clue as to her identity, of having Addie, of her memories returning, and of going to the cottage in Lynmouth the night before. 

         Dumbledore’s mouth had flattened into a grim line, but he nodded sagely as she finished. “You have been through quite the ordeal; I applaud your strength, and I am glad you have returned to us.”

         “Thank you, sir.”

         “The Wizarding World believes you to be dead,” he said delicately.

         “I figured as much,” Marlene shrugged. She’d worked that out long ago.

         “Much has happened in your time away,” he paused, looking almost regretful before he spoke his next words. “Lord Voldemort has fallen.”

         Her grin split her face in two as she sagged with relief.  She looked fondly over at her daughter where she stood with her little nose pressed against the windowpane, looking out on Diagon Alley below.  She’d never have to know a world bathed in death and terror.

         “How?”

         The way his expression darkened and the light in his eyes seemed to disappear made a stone settle in her stomach.

         “There was a prophecy that foretold the coming of a child that would bring about the downfall of the Dark Lord—a child born at the end of July.” He took a deep breath. “There were two women carrying children that were due to be born at the end of the seventh month that fulfilled the other requirements of the prophecy: Lily Potter and Alice Longbottom.”

         Marlene gasped, a hand flying to her mouth, but her eyes pleaded with him to continue.

         “Voldemort heard of the prophecy and decided that the child spoken of was the unborn child of James and Lily Potter. They went into hiding under the Fidelius Charm, but they were betrayed.”

         _“No,”_ she whispered, her nails digging into her pals as her hands clenched into fists. _Please not James and Lily._

“He attacked them in their home.  The boy, Harry, survived, but James and Lily perished and Voldemort along with them.”

         Marlene whimpered, clutching at her chest.  No, no, no.  It couldn’t be true. _It couldn’t._

         And then a sickening thought occurred to her.

         “Who was it?” she whispered hoarsely. “Who was their secret keeper?”

         “I’m so sorry, Marlene.”

She thought she was going to vomit.

         “Where is he?” she demanded, fire igniting in her voice as the desperation set in. She couldn’t even process that he had as good as murdered their closest friends.  She _had_ to see him.  He was Sirius—he wouldn’t— _couldn’t—_ she needed—

         “Sirius Black is in Azkaban.”

 

.

 

_November 17, 1981_

 

Sirius backed into the corner of his cell as the dementors swept past.  His happy memories were wrenched from his heart and pulled until they strained just beneath the surface of his skin.  He wished he could hold onto them physically with his hands that were bloody and tattered from clawing at the stone and the bars.  It would be easier than leaving his mind to frantically scrabble at the threads of times he held dear, times lost to him. 

         They left him breathing ragged, pale, and slumped like a scarecrow without a post in the farthest corner from the door for the second time that day. They patrolled his wing twice a day, every day.  It was the fifteenth day, the thirtieth patrol. He was safe until tomorrow at least. 

         And then he heard something he did not expect to hear—the clicking of several sets of shoes on the grimy, beaten stone at the end of the row of cells. He was the last cell in his row in the maximum-security wing.  They got double the dementors and double the patrols, but never visitors.

         Sirius was on his feet and pressed against the bars in the space of a breath. He wrapped his long fingers around the bars and tried to crane his neck to see whom the footsteps belonged to.  But the bars were sunken back in the stone façade, so he could not see until they were right in front of him.

         It was Millicent Bagnold, the minister, flanked by two Aurors.

         “Minister! Please—I didn’t—he’s STILL ALIVE—INNOCENT—DON’T LEA—”

         Sirius’ shouts turned incomprehensible as they rose in volume and he threw himself against the bars, arms reaching through with fingers grasping desperately at the empty air. Minister Bagnold let out and almighty shriek, dropped the pocketbook and copy of the Daily Prophet in her arms, and took off back down the way she’d come.  The Aurors stunned Sirius simultaneously, sending his body flying back into his cell to slam against the far wall and slump to the ground.

 

.

 

She’d woken up in the hospital wing. Apparently, she had fainted in the guest room at the Leaky, come to, become so hysterical that she had to be stunned, and Dumbledore had taken her and Addie back to Hogwarts. She didn’t remember any of it.

         But she remembered everything since waking up to the sympathetic face of Poppy Pomfrey.  She remembered Dumbledore assuring her that James and Lily were most certainly dead, and that Sirius was going to waste away behind bars in prison for the rest of his life. She remembered that Peter was dead, Remus had disappeared into the muggle world, Dorcas was dead, Mary was dead, Frank and Alice were in St. Mungo’s, half the Order was missing, dead, or worse. She remembered, but she wished she didn’t.

         After two days on a heavy dose of calming draughts strong enough to incapacitate her so severely that Pomona Sprout had needed to take over care of Addie, Marlene found a new solution to dealing with the horrific revelations of what had transpired in her absence:  she just didn’t think about it. 

She took all the emotions that threatened to take her breath away and locked them away behind a door in the back of her mind she vowed never to open.  She _knew_ that everyone she’d ever cared for was dead, mad, or locked away, but she refused to _feel_ it. She just couldn’t do it. She tapped into the hardness that marked her character and had always allowed her to turn a blind eye to and indulge Sirius’ destructive behavior, and to commit terrible atrocities in the name of war, and then she let it shield her heart from the pain she could not bear to face.

         So when Dumbledore had approached her two days ago about the Daily Prophet requesting an interview with her regarding her “return from the dead” and her status as the mother of the child of a mass murderer, she refused point blank. She could not sit and be questioned about all the things she’d locked behind the door without falling to pieces.  So she told the headmaster to tell the Prophet they could publish a small note stating that she had survived the attack on her family, suffered temporary memory loss, and subsequently returned with her fourteen-month-old daughter. They were not allowed to mention Sirius, and they were not allowed to disclose her location. 

Simple, short, and only the necessary details—rather similar to her emotional range at the moment.

She’d been put up in guest quarters in a disused wing of the seventh floor, and it had been recommended that she and Addie not leave the immediate vicinity of her rooms.  But being confined to such a small space was going to drive her mad. She couldn’t stay stagnant; she was running from too many things now and couldn’t afford to let them catch up.

So early that morning, she had informed Dumbledore that she would be going to Diagon Alley with Addie to get a wand, money, and a few essentials.  Afterwards, she would be returning straight to the cottage in Lynmouth, and he shouldn’t expect to hear from her for a good long while.  He’d protested until Madame Pomfrey had declared her stable enough to care for herself and her daughter. 

She’d arranged to use Professor McGonagall's fireplace to floo to the Leaky Cauldron.

“Do you require an escort today, Miss McKinnon?” The Head of Gryffindor’s voice was as sharp and cold as ever, but there was genuine concern in her eyes behind her spectacles.

“Thank you professor, but I believe I’ll be alright.”

That was a blatant lie, and they both knew it. She _hoped_ she’d be all right.

“Very well.” McGonagall led her to the fireplace. “Do come back and visit sometime.  Your little one is very enchanting, and I should like to see more of her.”

Marlene practically gaped as the normally stern woman looked fondly upon her daughter.  Truthfully, it was refreshing after the distasteful looks some of the professors had given Addie.  Something to do with having Sirius for a father, she supposed.

“Um...”

“Perhaps at Christmastime?  Boxing Day has always been a pleasant time at the castle,” the professor hinted, and Marlene nodded, slightly stunned.

Professor McGonagall laid a hand on her shoulder briefly and gave her an indecipherable moment of consideration before sending her through the floo.

 

.

 

         As she made her way from the Leaky Cauldron to Gringotts, she kept the hood of her cloak pulled up to hide her face and held Addie close to her chest. Everywhere she went, she spotted people reading copies of the Daily Prophet, which only served to increase her anxiety. The article about her was supposed to be published that day.  She hadn’t seen the paper, but prayed they hadn’t included a photo of her. The last thing she needed was attention.

         She entered the wizarding bank with purpose and strode all the way to the counter at the opposite end of the grand room, only removing her hood once she stood pressed against the marble with a goblin peering down at her from the other side. 

         “I would like to visit my vault.”

         “Name?” asked the goblin in a bored voice, its wide mouth curling distastefully at the corners.

         “McKinnon.”

         “The McKinnon family is dead.  The vault has been sealed, its contents belong to us now.”

         Marlene’s shoulders tensed. She had been expecting this. It would now be her responsibility to sort out her family’s accounts.  It barely registered that the entire family fortune would now belong to her, likely making her one of the wealthiest witches in her own right under the age of twenty-five. 

         “Read the prophet,” she said as calmly as she could. “Turns out I’m hard to kill.”

         The goblin sneered, but a defeated expression flashed across his eyes. Marlene bristled as she realized the goblin knew she was alive and was just giving her a hard time.

         Proving her identity as a McKinnon turned out to be rather simple. As one of the oldest vaults in Gringotts, there were blood wards on the door.  All she had to do was prick her finger and press it against the steel to gain access and extract enough gold to last her quite a long time.  She wondered how much McKinnon blood had become a part of that door, how many of her family members had offered a bit of themselves to the steel and stone. However many of them there had been, they were gone now, and only she remained.

         After returning from the caverns, she met with a goblin named Ragnok in a back room to sign several documents that would make her the sole proprietor of her family’s assets which turned out to include quite a lot of gold and several properties she had never even heard of.  When they were finished, she fled the back room so quickly she forgot to pull her hood up again.  It was this mistake that led to an encounter so unexpected she would not have predicted it under any circumstances.

         “Miss McKinnon.”

A sharp, imperious voice stopped her hurried progression out of the main hall.  Gritting her teeth, she slowly turned around to see who had recognized her, only to come face to face with none other than Walburga Black.

Sirius’ mother looked flawlessly put together as usual. Her deep green robes were slashed with a dark teal, her blonde hair was streaked with silver and pulled back from her face in a no-nonsense chignon, and her lace-gloved hands were clutched firmly around an expensive looking pocketbook.  Her face however, looked to have aged ten years since Marlene had last seen her.  Her mouth was drawn into a tight line, and her eyes were flat with deep shadows like smears of kohl beneath them.

She looked _old._

“Mrs. Black,” Marlene inclined her head politely.

“It is a pleasure to see you did not perish after all,” Walburga said mildly.  Her eyes, however, were trained on Addie.

Marlene wasn’t sure what to say to that. Walburga wasn’t even looking at her; she might as well have been disillusioned for all the attention she was paid.

“Is—Is this...?” Walburga trailed off, and her eyes flicked up to meet Marlene’s. 

They were the exact same shade of gray as Sirius’, and it took her breath away.

“Yes, Sirius is her father,” Marlene all but whispered, tensing her grip on Addie protectively.

It was if the quiet activity of Gringotts had ceased to exist around them.  Voldemort himself could have appeared in the lobby and asked to open a vault, and they would not have noticed. 

“She’s beautiful.” The haughty tone had melted from Walburga’s speech.

“She looks like her father.”

Marlene smoothed a hand over Addie’s dark curls. The little girl was nuzzled against her neck with one hand curled against her mother’s chest as she peered curiously at her grandmother.

“May I?” Walburga asked, but without waiting for Marlene’s answer, she ran a gloved finger from Addie’s hairline to jaw, and her eyes fluttered slightly as the corners of her mouth twitched.

Marlene tensed. This was the woman who had stood by and let her son be beaten by his father, who had made him feel so unwelcome in his own home he’d been forced to run away.  She was very sure she did not want this woman touching her daughter. Unfortunately, she was also Addie’s grandmother.

“And what have you named my granddaughter?” The commanding tone had returned, but it was slightly flat.

“Adara Michelle,” Marlene paused as her chest twinged painfully. Michelle, for her favorite brother Michael. “Adara Michelle Black.”

Giving Addie her father’s name had been a decision painstakingly made during her brief stay at Hogwarts.  She didn’t necessarily want her daughter to be a Black, but she also didn’t want her to grow up feeling ashamed of her paternal heritage.  There were good Blacks, Marlene reasoned.  She’d tell Addie about them, tell her she could be proud of her ancestors. And even more privately, Marlene didn’t feel right giving her the McKinnon name.  She felt like she had cheated death the night she survived the attack on her family, and maybe her family name wasn’t meant to continue.

Walburga’s eyes lit up at the sound of her granddaughter’s name.

“Adara, from Sirius’ constellation?”

Marlene pretended not to notice how the other woman’s voice broke over her son’s name.  She only nodded in response.

“I would very much like to become better acquainted with my granddaughter,” Walburga all but commanded.  When she noticed Marlene’s nostrils flare slightly, she added, “If that is alright with you, of course.”

Marlene could have screamed at her. How dare she ask such a thing after the way she treated Sirius?

“I’m afraid that is not going to be an option,” she said coldly and turned to leave.

An iron grip with pointed nails clamping around her arm made her pause.  Walburga would never lower herself to beg, so she kept the line of her lips firm, but her eyes were pleading, shamelessly begging in a way she would not dare with words.

Marlene had never seen her look so vulnerable.

“I—I will think about it,” she acquiesced. “I will write you when I come to a decision.”

Walburga’s grip on her arm loosed instantly, and she withdrew her hand.  She straightened her spine and raised her chin, looking almost every bit the regal, cold woman Marlene remembered for her childhood.

“Thank you.” Her tone was clipped and her nod was stiff, but her eyes had gone slightly glassy, and Marlene suddenly felt terribly awkward.

The two women stared at each other with loaded gazes before they both turned and went their separate ways.  Over her mother’s shoulder as they hurried from the bank, Addie peered at her grandmother with curious eyes.

 

.

 

_November 18, 1981_

 

         When he finally awoke, it was colder.  Before even opening his eyes, he felt it, a gut-freezing chill that seemed to suck the air from his lungs.  It was an unnatural cold that he recognized, and keeping his eyes shut and cheek pressed to the hard stone of the cell floor, he waited for it to pass.  But the cold did not pass and the crippling despair that accompanied did not lift.

         Sirius opened his eyes, knowing what he would surely see, but hoping desperately that he would be wrong.  Hoping for anything in Azkaban turned out to be a grossly foolish endeavor.

         They were not stationed just outside his cell, but instead across the wide corridor.  The two dementors were not so close as to incapacitate him, but they were near enough for Sirius to feel their crushing presence at an intensity that would surely, slowly drive him mad.  He supposed that was the point.

         Sirius pressed the heels of his filthy hands into his eyes until he saw white spots bloom across the back of his eyelids.  He pressed until he was sure he would make himself blind, praying senselessly to some unnamed entity that when he opened his eyes once more he would not be greeted with blindness, with the sight of dementors and stone, or even with the bare walls of lonely, cottage by the sea. He wanted to see a little, messy flat in London decorated with Quidditch posters and Gryffindor banners. He wanted to see a dresser full of neatly folded muggle band shirts with a glass top of carefully arranged scent bottles and jewelry boxes—because no matter how much of a rebel Marlene had become over the years, her upbringing still showed through in the quietest ways. 

         But when he peeled his hands from his face and let his vision clear, he was greeted by none of those sights.  His gaze had fallen immediately upon a rolled up bundle of paper in the corner where the outside of his cell bars met with the stone of the dividing walls. He crawled forward on his hands and knees, still weak from the double stunning spells and the dementors, and shoved his arm through the bars, twisting awkwardly until his fingers closed around the roll at last.  With his prize clenched tightly to his chest, he made his way into the corner of his cell farthest from the dementors and spread the paper flat on the stone floor before him.

         It was a copy of the Daily Prophet, a copy Sirius vaguely remembered flying from Minister Bagnold’s arms as she ran from him, screaming. His eyes swept over the headlines with a strange detachment.  While it seemed an eternity he had been within the unforgiving walls of Azkaban prison, the pain of losing Lily and James burned with the raw intensity of a fresh wound.  And yet the newspaper before him confirmed that neither of his senses of the passage of time were at all correct.  Not one of the front-page headlines mentioned the Potters, but they still spoke unmistakably of the war.  There were trials, convictions, and acquittals of Death Eaters, as well as one particularly notable manhunt for the Lestranges. 

         If he had not been taking such care to absorb every precious word, he might have missed the two, small paragraphs in the bottom right corner of the third page that bore the headline:

MARLENE MCKINNON, HEIR TO THE MCKINNON FORTUNE, LIVES!

         And time, no matter how its passage had seemed to ebb and flow without reason, stopped.

 


	7. Chapter 7

_January 31, 1982_

         Marlene’s footsteps crunched loudly on the frost-covered ground, each step echoing far too loudly in the late-afternoon quiet.   The windows of the homes in Godric’s Hollow glowed invitingly in the weak light, promising warmth and a good dinner, but Marlene’s destination was not one of those homes.  She walked past them to the end of the lane, stopping before a gate that hung crookedly on its hinges, woven through with dry, winter vines. She paused for a moment, unblinking and feeling as if she had been staked to the ground she stood upon. The cottage that took form before her was one she had visited several times before—eating more home-cooked meals within its walls than in her apartment with Sirius—but she did not remember it ever looking like this.

         The roof of Lily and James’ home caved on one side and had been blown away entirely on the other, centering around a ragged explosion site on the second floor.  That was where the second bedroom had been, she fleetingly recalled.  Once upon a time, it had held a sagging double mattress with a quilt made by Lily’s grandmother.   Marlene and Sirius had slept in that room more than once before Lily found out she was pregnant.   She had just been starting to turn the room into a nursery the last time Marlene had visited the house, and Marlene remembered fondly watching her friend from doorway as she earnestly debated paint colors with her brilliant hair piled messily on top of her head. 

         Marlene hoisted Addie higher on her hip and blinked her dry and burning eyes against the cold air.  She didn’t know why she had come, not really.  It was Lily’s birthday, and somehow Marlene thought that returning to the cottage would somehow make her feel closer to her friend.  But she found herself feeling more distant than ever before.  She made the decision to forgo visiting the cemetery in favor of coming to the cottage instead, but this was somehow worse.  Looking at Lily and James’ ruined home was like returning to her family’s manor only to find it reduced to ashes; the longer she looked, the more the image of destruction scrubbed away her happy memories of the place.  She forced herself to turn away, instead focusing on the way the slight breeze whipped up the light dusting of snow on the narrow street, making the flakes dance in the lengthening shadows. 

         One of Addie’s mittened hands fisted in her long hair and pulled, the sharp sting grabbing her attention.  “Ow! Addie, let go,” she pleaded, using her free hand to try and extract the strands from her daughter’s grip.

         “Kitty!” Addie shrieked, twisting to look over Marlene’s shoulder in the direction of the cottage. 

         “No, no kitties here,” Marlene said and reached to adjust the knitted cap on Addie’s head. 

         Addie made a face and batted Marlene’s hand away.  “Kitty! Kitty!” she called again. 

         Rolling her eyes, Marlene turned around and followed Addie’s excited gaze to the low, stone wall that surrounded the cottage.  Perched to the left of the gate was a precariously thin cat, its gray fur striped and patchy.  She stared uncomprehendingly, and it stared back with curious green eyes.

         “Tantomile?” she asked, eyes widening.

         The animal meowed loudly, stretched its emaciated body, and leapt from the wall, coming to wind about her ankles as it purred.  

         “My kitty?” Addie asked, squirming in Marlene’s arms and trying to lean down to reach the cat. 

         “Lily’s kitty,” Marlene answered absently, staring down at the tabby in wonder.

         And it _was_ Lily’s kitty. Lily had bought the cat on a trip to Diagon Alley with Marlene two and a half years prior, just after she and James moved into the cottage.  Lily had named her Tantomile, and when Sirius had asked how she’d ever come up with such a ridiculous name, Lily had muttered something about “Eliot” and “ignorant purebloods.”  But then Tantomile had been healthy with a shining tabby coat.  Now her fur was falling out in tufts, and Marlene could count her ribs.  It looked like she’d been living in the ruins of the cottage since Voldemort’s attack.

         “Want! Want kitty!” Addie squealed.  “Mummy, my kitty?”

         Marlene regarded Tantomile for a moment before coming to a decision.

         “Yes. Yes, she’s your kitty.” Addie clapped her hands delightedly, and Marlene cast one last strained glance at the Potter’s crumbling home. “Come on, Tantomile,” she called to the cat as she started off down the lane.  “You can live with us now.”

 

.

 

_April 13, 1982_

Marlene settled herself down in the dirt at the base of the apple tree and admired her handiwork. She had taken it upon herself to turn the back garden into something ( _anything_ ) other than its original role as weed jungle and possible breeding ground for dangerous things that liked to hide in tall grass.  It had taken her the better part of three weekends, but she was pleased to see the four neat vegetable beds waiting to be planted and the small greenhouse that would soon hold plants of the more magical and less strictly edible variety. 

         She had never been much for herbology, but she was tired of mail-ordering common household potions from Slug & Jiggers.  It wasn’t that she had a problem with their exorbitant prices – truly it never crossed her mind – but it felt wrong to use potions she hadn’t brewed herself.   While she was no Severus Snape, she considered her brewing to be her greatest skill, and took quite a bit of pride in it. 

         Beginning to brew would be the most magical thing that had occurred in the cottage by the sea since she’d moved in with Addie almost six months earlier. Marlene could scarcely believe it herself, but she had truly been living like a muggle.  Well, mostly—with the exception of the owl, Midge, who she used to make orders from Diagon Alley.   She cooked their food (badly, so it was a good thing that Addie had no frame of reference) the muggle way, cleaned the muggle way, and rarely used her wand. 

         It had been a jarring and seemingly impossible transition for Marlene, who had been raised in a pureblood home and barely spoken to muggles before graduating Hogwarts.  But she enjoyed the simplicity of muggle life and the security (probably false) she felt it granted her.  Magic had killed or taken away everyone she’d ever loved, magic had torn apart everything she knew. In the wizarding world, she was poor Marlene McKinnon, only surviving member of her family. Or worse, she was Marlene McKinnon, lover of the notorious Sirius Black and the mother of his child (who was likely dangerous, given her heritage). 

         Here in the muggle village of Lynmouth, she was just Marlene, the quiet young woman who served tables at Kirby’s Pub in the afternoons and lived by the sea with her darling daughter.  She wore her false identity like armor, and on the good days, she almost forgot the things she was so desperate to protect herself against.  She wanted to cut out the things that hurt the most and leave them behind, but she couldn’t bring herself to truly forget or move on, so she simply locked them away.  Sometimes quite literally.

         She left Sirius’ things untouched in the second of the rooms upstairs and locked the door.  She slept in the master bedroom downstairs, Addie in the first bedroom upstairs, and the key lived at the bottom of one of her dresser drawers.  The way the cottage looked now, it could never be guessed that Sirius had ever lived there at all, but the room upstairs remained, its contents gathering dust.  She tried not to let it haunt her. 

         She didn’t lock away her family or her friends, however.  She found several framed photos among her things from the old apartment and proceeded to place them all around the cottage. Her parents smiled at her from the mantle.   Lily and James waved from her dresser.  Her siblings slung their arms around each other on the bookcase, Dorcas, Peter, and Mary on the windowsill… It was a house full of ghosts, smiling at her from their frames.

 

.

 

_June 5, 1982_

         Marlene wiped the yellow Formica tabletop with a dirty rag and tossed a glance over her shoulder to the cracked door of the back office where Addie was napping peacefully.  Kirby’s was a nice place to work.  It was always quiet, the only customers usually being a crowd of locals whose families had lived in Lynmouth so long they swore seawater ran in their veins. Marlene didn’t need to work; she had more gold than she knew what to do with.  But her afternoon shift, four days a week gave her a sense of routine and normalcy.  Something in the back of her head that sounded a lot like Lily told her that she was fooling herself, but it was easier to pretend.

         Mr. Kirby, the owner of the pub and previous owner of the cottage had offered Marlene the waitressing position back in February, and though it had taken her three weeks to accept his offer, she was glad she had. She brought Addie with her, as most of naptime coincided with her shift, and the afternoon was always quiet.

         Marlene finished wiping down the tables and made her way over to the bar where Mr. Kirby stood, methodically polishing glasses.  The elderly man didn’t talk much, but his kind blue eyes and always-smiling mouth made him seem more grandfatherly than curmudgeonly. His quiet disposition suited Marlene just fine.

         “Extra slow today, isn’t it?” she said pleasantly as she deposited her rag in a bin behind the bar and perched herself on a stool.  A remembered flash of another afternoon where she sat on the same stool with Si—someone beside her slipped into her mind before she could stop herself.  _Don’t think about him,_ she chastised herself. Not that it was possible to stop.

         Mr. Kirby shrugged. “Tuesday—not a lot of people to come in.” He finished polishing the last glass and slid it onto its shelf. “I got something for that house of yours.”

         “Oh you didn’t have to.”  But Marlene smiled.  Mr. Kirby had made a habit of giving her things for the cottage—a flower box for the kitchen window, a rack for muddy shoes to put by the door.  He said that though he no longer lived there, he couldn’t stop taking care of the place.

         “This one’s more of a favor to me than to you, don’t worry.” He reached under the bar and pulled up a solid rectangle of wood, about the size of a street sign. “Every cottage should have a name.”

         Marlene reached for the sign and turned it over, running her fingers over the white painted letters.   “Holly’s Watch?” she read out loud.

         Mr. Kirby ducked his head. “For my wife.  Name was Holly.  She loved the place.”

         Marlene hadn’t realized that Mr. Kirby was married.  She wanted to ask him why he sold it, but she knew that would be rude.  It could have been money troubles or… “Your wife—is she—”

         “Passed away ten years ago.” He smiled a bit sadly.  “So would you consider putting this up? I was thinking on that tall tree on the left, a bit before the house.”

         “The poplar? I think that sounds lovely.”  Though she meant them, her words felt stiff in her mouth. It was always set her off kilter to be confronted with someone else’s grief.  She forgot that she wasn’t the only one who had ever felt the emotion.

         Marlene was saved from any more discussion of lost loved ones by the tinkling of the bell over the door.  She heaved herself off the barstool to meet the new customer, a woman with short curly hair and an enormous smile.

         “Afternoon, Kirby!” the woman called brightly, shedding her jacket.

         “Hello, Delia.” Mr. Kirby replied fondly. “What brings you in here today?”

         Marlene knew she didn’t speak much with any of the locals, but she felt like she must have served most of them at least once, so she was confused to find that ‘Delia’ was a stranger.

         “Just dropping off the book Kent borrowed.”

         Marlene watched the woman slide a book across the bar, and after determining that her services were not needed, she went to wake Addie from her nap. Though she was loathe to wake the sleeping toddler, it was getting late, so she swept Addie out of the portable crib and gently nudged her into consciousness. 

         When Marlene returned to the main room, Addie balanced on her hip, she found Delia seated at a stool with a beer in front of her.

         “Convinced you to stay, did he?” Marlene asked.

         The other woman smiled. “Doesn’t take much. I don’t often say no to a moment of peace.” She continued at Marlene’s raised eyebrow and gestured with her chin towards Addie.  “My husband’s home with ours—we have two.”

         Marlene felt her eyes widen. “I can barely manage with one, and she’s easy.” As if to verify her point, Addie buried her face in Marlene’s neck, clearly still drowsy from her nap.

         “Like I said, never turn down a moment of peace.”

         Marlene found herself grinning at Delia’s easy demeanor.  “If I had a drink, I’d toast to that.”

         “Not on the job you wouldn’t,” Mr. Kirby chimed in with a wink. “Delia, I’d like you to meet Marlene—and little Addie.  They’re the ones living out in the cottage.”

         Delia’s dark eyes widened. “Really? But I thought you said that a man purchased—”

         “My fiancé,” Marlene interrupted, her voice strained.  “He’s—well, not—”

         Delia held up a hand to save her from explaining.  “Understood.  Well, Marlene, I’m very pleased to finally meet you. I’m Delia Dabney. Well, Cordelia, actually, but only my mother-in-law calls me that.”

         Mr. Kirby snorted quietly, and Marlene shot him a curious look, but he only shook his head.  “Marlene, I’m heading out.  Jake will be in soon to take over, and you can head home too.”

         “Ok. I’ll see you on Monday. Get home safe!” she called as the elderly man left. 

         Weekday afternoons were always slow, so Mr. Kirby left early while Marlene covered alone until Jake, the other bartender showed in the late afternoon.

         Addie began to stir in her arms, so Marlene handed her a paper menu and a pen to entertain herself.  It wasn’t an ideal distraction, because if Marlene wasn’t careful enough, Addie was more likely to try to eat the pen than create any works of art.

         “So, Marlene, how long have you been living in the cottage now?” Delia asked, taking a sip of her beer.

         “It’s Holly’s Watch now, actually.” She gestured to the new sign where it still lay across the bar.  “Addie and I have been living there since last November.  It’s beautiful there.”

         “And where were you before?”

         Marlene bit her lip.  She didn’t like answering people’s questions.  She wasn’t much of a liar, and there was just too much she couldn’t share because Delia was a muggle.  And even more she couldn’t share because she couldn’t bear it.

         “Scotland,” she answered mildly before shifting the focus away from herself. “What about you? Are you one of the born and bred locals?”

         Delia laughed, her broad smile splitting her face in two.  “Oh no, I’m from Bristol.  My husband’s family, on the other hand,” she paused, smirking conspiratorially. “Well, if you ask them, they’ll tell you they founded the place.”

         Marlene certainly understood the type. 

         With a little squawk that took both women by surprise, Addie tossed the pen and napkin on the ground. 

         “Addie,” Marlene warned.  “We do not throw things.”

         “Want Puppy,” Addie replied imperiously.

         Marlene sighed. “Puppy” was Addie favorite stuffed animal.  She’d seen it on the shelf in a toy store and gotten so attached that there was no leaving with the thing.  Granted, the dog was gray, not black, but Marlene didn’t miss the irony that her daughter’s favorite toy was a dog.

         “What do you say?” She looked down into the toddler’s pouting face. Addie’s eyes were wide and gray. And very demanding.

         “Pwease,” she huffed grumpily.

         Delia chuckled.  “You’re in for it with that one.”

         Marlene nodded emphatically.  She knew.  “Will you watch her for a moment?” she asked Delia, placing Addie in her lap.

         Delia nodded, and Marlene dashed into the back room to grab Puppy. When Marlene returned, she found Delia making a myriad of silly faces to keep Addie happily entertained. With a jolt, Marlene was reminded of Nymphadora, Sirius’ young cousin.  They’d only met once, but Marlene had vivid memories of the little girl demonstrating all of the dramatic changes she could make to her appearance. 

         “Thanks.” Marlene took Addie and set her on the floor—clean, as she knew, having mopped it only an hour earlier—with Puppy, knowing that would keep her busy for plenty of time.

         “How old is she?  Eighteen months?” Delia asked.

         “On the eleventh.  How old are yours?”

         “Tess, my daughter, turned four in April, and Jonathan is eight months. They’re a handful. I don’t know what Kent and I would do if we didn’t have somewhere to send them while we work.”

         “A daycare center?” Marlene asked eagerly. “I didn’t realize there was one here.”

         “Oh there’s not,” Delia replied darkly. “We send them to _Elspeth—_ my mother-in-law.”  She shuddered.

         Marlene schooled her features.  Surely it would be impolite to ask…oh whatever. “Do you not get along?”

         “Well, truthfully, no.  Elspeth is a right piece of work.”  Delia took the last sip of her beer before sliding it away from her on the counter. “She’s actually a bit of a racist, bless her old and stubborn soul.” She gestured to her own dark brown skin. “I made sure she learned to deal with it, however.”  She smirked, and Marlene laughed in response.

         “And you still let her take care of your children?”  Marlene asked curiously, thinking of Walburga, and the request for a visit that she never accepted.

         “I was against the idea at first, but it’s about family, I guess. I was a foster kid, so I don’t have any.  She’s the only grandparent they have.  So I made her promise not to let a single bigoted word pass her lips.”

         “You decided that letting them know their only family was more important,” Marlene summarized thoughtfully.  Her situation wasn’t precisely the same, not even close really, but she couldn’t help but think.

         “It’s always more important.” Delia said simply. “Within reason, of course, but the only diatribe my children will be getting from her is on their table manners.”

         “I suppose that’s a fair trade.”

         “I suppose.  You know, if you want, Elspeth could watch Addie while you work.”  Marlene opened her mouth to protest, but Delia shook her head. “Really, the old hag loves kids, believe it or not. Kent’s sister Beatrice helps out too, and if I talked to them, I know they’d be thrilled to have another one around.”

         Marlene resisted the urge to throw herself into Delia’s arms.  She mentally urged caution.  “Thank you for the offer.  I’ll have to meet her, but I suppose that would be very helpful.”

         Delia nodded with a smile, before retrieving the menu and pen that Addie used earlier.  “Here’s my number.” She scribbled the digits down in a loopy, rushed script  “Why don’t you think about it and give me a call? Actually,” she hopped off the seat and smiled brightly at Marlene.  “Give me a call anyway.  There are not enough people our age in this town, and I like you, so we should be friends.”

         Marlene was a little taken aback by her direct manner.  It was so…casual.  She was struck by the memory of a girl with red hair, bravely befriending her in a train car, and almost had to bite back tears. “I’d like that.”

 

.

 

_June 12, 1982_

         Marlene nervously smoothed her hands over her dress—a muggle piece, but conservative enough that she wasn’t getting any odd looks—and tucked a lock of her sun-bleached hair behind her ear as she nervously eyed the front of the restaurant before her.  _Le Jardin_ was a newer installation in Diagon Alley, likely post-war, and it was clear where it had gotten its name.  Bright spring flowers spilled out of boxes beneath the front windows and several large pots beside the door, and the front of the building was covered in flowering vines. The overall effect was beautiful and not at all what she would expect from the place where she was to meet Walburga Black for lunch.

         After her conversation with Delia Dabney, she began to wonder if she had not been depriving Addie of something important by keeping her from her only remaining grandparent.  Marlene had no immediate family remaining, and those more distant relations that still lived had not been on the Light side of the war.  Neither had Walburga, strictly speaking, but family had always been important to Marlene.  If she could give Addie even a little bit of one, she had to find it within herself to try.  So she had written to Walburga, pulling out every pureblood courtesy she had been trained to possess, and requested that they meet for lunch. 

         Marlene had no idea if she was doing the right thing.  By all accounts—those of others and her own—Walburga Black could be an absolute dragon of a woman, and more importantly, she was one of the primary reasons that Sirius had run away from his childhood home. Though Walburga never laid a hand on her son, she’d never made any effort to stop her husband from doing so, as far as Marlene could tell.  But the bottom line was that Sirius was in prison for murdering over a dozen muggles and one of his best friends, and Marlene didn’t want Addie to grow up without a family.  So here she was.

         Squaring her shoulders, Marlene pulled open the door to the restaurant. She made sure to appear confident, and maybe even regal.  There had been a time when she was good at that sort of thing, and though she considered it long past, now was as good a moment as any to pull upon the last remaining vestiges of her formal upbringing.  She tried not to think too much about the fact that what she really wanted was to impress Walburga.  Not so that the older woman would like her, but so that she would see that Marlene was no longer the nervous, jumpy girl she had run into in Gringotts a year and a half ago.

         The maître d´ showed her to a table towards the back of the restaurant, beside a window that was charmed to show a view of Kensington Gardens. Walburga had already arrived, and she rose when Marlene joined her, although it was obvious that it pained her pride to do so.  Walburga’s spring robes were cut as fashionably as ever in a flattering shade of purple, and Marlene couldn’t help but compare them to her navy striped sundress. She felt a little flicker of prideful defiance when the Black woman eyed her attire with pursed lips. Marlene slid into her chair with a smug smile on her face.  _It’s the little things,_ she thought to herself. 

         They didn’t broach the real topic for their meeting until they were midway though their meals.  Instead, Walburga filled Marlene in on idle gossip concerning people that she hadn’t thought about in years and what was happening in the ministry. Walburga asked about Marlene’s life, as was proper, and since the older woman was on her best behavior, Marlene found a special glee in watching her attempt not to negatively react to the news that Marlene was living in a muggle town, working in a muggle pub, and had been befriending muggles.  She could not help but think that she was laying it on a bit thick, and definitely exaggerating how much she interacted with the townspeople of Lynmouth, but she told herself it was necessary.  After all, this lunch was a test.  If Walburga could swallow her bigotry and prejudice, Marlene would consider allowing her to see Addie.  But eventually, the matter at hand had to be addressed.

         “So I’m sure you’ve guessed why I requested this lunch,” Marlene said delicately.

         “As refreshing as I’m sure you find my company, I expect you wish to discuss Adara?”

         It wasn’t hard to see where Sirius got his cutting demeanor. The realization made her uncomfortable, but she buried the feeling. 

         “Precisely.” Marlene paused and licked her lips.  Was she really going to do this? “I would like Addie to get to know her grandmother.”

.

         The rest of the lunch with Walburga went smoothly.  Marlene determined that having something the other woman wanted made her much more agreeable.  While her previous failings in the department seemed rather contradictory, family was of the utmost importance to Walburga Black. Marlene felt it was likely to be the only thing they had in common.

         She left Addie with Edith and Beatrice Dabney, Delia’s mother and sister in law, for the day and decided to use the extra time off to run a few errands and do some shopping for herself.  Namely, she needed more owl treats and money from Gringotts, and she wanted to look for a new book on brewing. 

         Marlene was just exiting the Owl Emporium, armed with treats for Midge and calling a goodbye to the cashier over her shoulder when she knocked hard into someone headed into the shop.

         “Oh! I’m so— _Marlene?”_

         The voice was familiar.  Marlene squinted against the glare of the sun and up into the face of the tall woman whom she collided with.

         “Emmeline?” Marlene didn’t recognize her former housemate at first.  While Emmeline Vance had once been very proud of her long, shiny chestnut hair, now her wavy locks just dusted her shoulders and a fringe covered her forehead. She also had a scar that ran across her cheek from the right corner of her mouth to the edge of her jaw. That was new. 

         “So it’s true? You’re really alive?” Emmeline was breathless, her eyes wary as she gazed at Marlene.

         “As far as I can tell.”

         And then Marlene was wrapped into a fierce hug by a woman she had spent most of her school career disliking.  It was surreal and more than a little awkward.  She draped her free arm around the taller woman’s stooped frame, rubbing a hand on her back in what she hoped was a soothing motion.

         “I’m sorry,” Emmeline sniffed, pulling back and blinking furiously. “It’s just…well there’s barely anyone _left.”_

         It felt as if someone had wrapped their hand around her throat. _Oh. Of course._ Of all the Gryffindors that had been in their year at Hogwarts, only four survived the war—Sirius, Remus, Emmeline, and Marlene.  From what Dumbledore had told her, Marlene knew that Remus left the country almost immediately after Sirius had been put in prison.  She felt the sudden emotion struggle furiously behind her eyes, begging to be let out.  She took a deep breath. 

         “Oh, Emmeline.”  What was there to say?  She swept her gaze over the other woman’s scarred face; her green eyes, always glittering, were unmistakably haunted.  Marlene had never felt so guilty for spending the worst months of the war in perfect ignorance.

         “Don’t worry about me, Marlene.”  Emmeline waved her graceful hand in a fluttery gesture.  “I’m ok, really.  It was just a little overwhelming.  I mean, I saw that article in the _Prophet_ last year, but it’s different to see you in person.”

         Marlene smiled weakly. She hadn’t even thought to write to Emmeline or reach out to her.  Remus, certainly, but she’d avoided that for different reasons.  “It’s good to see you.”

         Emmeline chuckled. “Still not a better liar, I see.  But that’s okay.  So where have you been? I heard you were back, but you were still _gone._ ”

         Marlene shifted her weight from one foot to another.  She didn’t really want to talk about where she’d been, or about anything to do with her life at all.  Yet Emmeline looked so _eager_ in a way that didn’t seem to fit the girl she remembered from school. The Emmeline Vance she knew was always eager for gossip, eager for attention, and certainly not eager for Marlene’s friendship.  But the woman before her looked unimaginably desperate for even the slightest thread of a connection to her life before the war.  Marlene didn’t have it in her to refuse.

         “I’ve been in Devon, on the seaside, with…” Did she mention Addie?

         “Your daughter?  I know, Marlene, I saw the article in the prophet.  There’s also been a lot of speculation—is it true that she’s, well, Sirius’?”

         Marlene blanched.  This was exactly why shy would rather remain hidden away in her little cottage by the sea. Even so much as hearing someone use his name felt like having her lungs ripped from her chest.

“Yes, it’s true.  Her name is Adara—Addie for short.”  Her words were tense and clipped, but Emmeline didn’t comment.

“That’s a lovely name.” 

The two women fell silent for a moment. At some point, they’d begun walking down the street without really noticing, and Marlene looked up to find herself in front of the bookstore, her last stop before heading home.

“Well, this is my last stop for the day.” She gestured somewhat awkwardly to the book displays in the window.  “I should be getting back.”

“Marlene.” Emmeline gripped her hand fiercely, and Marlene noticed that her skin looked too thin for someone so young. “Can I write to you?”

She could have said no.  It would have been easier, but something stopped her from refusing.  She had disappeared from the war when she was needed most; who was she to deprive Emmeline of any small comfort? And truth be told, she was lonely. 

“Yes, you may.”

.

_July 30, 1982_

         Marlene relieved Emmeline’s owl of the letter tied to its leg and offered it one of Midge’s treat before shooing it out the window.  There was a summer storm coming in from the west, and she knew the bird had better get away from the coast and back to London before it hit. 

         Marlene and Emmeline had exchanged a few letters since their meeting in Diagon Alley, and she was surprised to find the other woman much changed from the girl she’d know at school.  She learned that Emmeline joined the Order not long after Marlene’s disappearance and turned out to be a force to be reckoned with.  The revelation had settled something hot and heavy in the pit of Marlene’s stomach.  That had once been _her._   _She_ was the force to be reckoned with—dangerous, ruthless, and powerful. But not anymore.

         Regardless of her jealousy, Marlene found she enjoyed getting to know Emmeline once more.  The qualities that had one repelled her—pride, shallowness, and a mean streak—were absent, and in their place was a woman that had seen too much and grown wise before her time.

         Nudging Tantomile out of the way, Marlene settled into the armchair beside the fireplace and undid the seal on the envelope.  Several pieces of paper fell out onto her lap. One was a stationary she recognized as Emmeline’s usual choice, and the remaining four were unfamiliar, printed with a masculine hand. 

She read Emmeline’s first.  The majority of the note was her response to an invitation to come out to Holly’s Watch for lunch on the beach (accepted), but it was the last few sentences at the bottom that explained the presence of the other papers.

_I ran into Remus Lupin in the city two days ago.  He said he’s been in Denmark and has returned to visit his father who has apparently taken ill.  He asked if I had seen you and knew where to reach you.  I didn’t tell him because I didn’t think you’d want me to. That afternoon, I received a letter from him that he asked me to pass on to you.  I don’t care what you do with it, but you should know that he seemed sad.  I suppose we’re not the only one’s with ghosts._

Marlene set Emmeline’s note down and fingered her wand, eyeing Remus’ letter.  It would be so easy to just vanish it, pretend it never existed.  She knew, logically, she should have reached out to Remus in the very beginning, when she had first returned. But she just _couldn’t._  Remus Lupin’s best friends were dead because of the man she loved.  And maybe if she hadn’t disappeared she would have _seen,_ she could have warned them—warned everybody.  And through all that, she had gone on thinking that Remus was the spy.  It seemed ridiculous now, and she couldn’t imagine how she had ever thought such a thing, but she’d been so quick to believe that he was the one betraying them all when the real traitor was the man she slept beside each night. 

But her curiosity got the best of her, as was often the case.  With trembling fingers, she unfolded the pages.

_Dear Marlene,_

_I wish I could express how sorry I am that it’s taken me so long to reach out to you. I was overjoyed to hear that you lived, and my lack of communication in no way was because I was indifferent to your survival. I heard that you have a daughter, and I would like to extend my congratulations.  If she is anything like her mother, I am sure that she is lovely and full of strength. I’d very much like to meet her someday._

_As much as I wish I could say that I’m reaching out because I’ve finally overcome my cowardice, that would not be entirely true.  I come to you with information that you may do with what you will, and you should in no way feel that there are any expectations as to a response._

_I’ve discovered the location of Harry, Lily and James’ son. As you may or may not know, the 31 st of this month is his birthday, and with that in mind, I took the liberty of looking him up.  He is living with his aunt, Lily’s sister.  I recalled the name of her husband (Vernon Dursley, if you’re interested) and was able to track them to a neighborhood in Surrey. I should warn you that from what I recall of Lily’s descriptions, the Dursley’s are unlikely to be a receptive home to magic.  My attempt to send a letter by owl post that was returned torn to bits would seem to support this theory. _

_Either way, it occurred to me that this is information you might wish to have, as you and Lily were quite close.  I’ve enclosed the address on the final piece of paper.  For security’s sake, it can be revealed in the same way as a map of little fame and great usefulness that I believe you were shown during our time at Hogwarts.  A revelation that was strictly against the rules, I’ll have you know._

_I hope that you are well, and that you have found a little corner of peace somewhere. Though she will not know me and is unlikely to even understand you, please give my love to your daughter._

_Fondly,_

_Remus Lupin_

Even as she read the letter’s final words, she knew she would send no reply.  As for trying to contact Lily’s son, maybe someday when he was older and she was braver.

As Marlene re-folded the letter so that it could be tucked neatly away and out of sight, she wondered when she had become such a coward.


	8. Chapter 8

_November 3, 1983_

Marlene flooed directly into the downstairs parlor of Grimmauld place and stepped lightly from the fireplace, checking to make sure she didn't trek any soot across the expensive carpets. No matter how many times she visited, she didn't think she'd ever get over how grandly decorated Number 12 was. The townhouse had been expanded by magic, and even McKinnon Manor which was at least five times as large, had never felt so lavish. It could never be said that Walburga Black didn't know how to maintain her home.

But despite its beauty, it was by far the last day she would ever want to set foot inside the place. It felt wrong to walk though these rooms on Sirius' birthday. Until recent months, the last time she had been in Sirius' childhood home they'd been giggling children, still eagerly waiting to start at Hogwarts.

Her arrival must have made more noise than she thought, because at that moment quick footsteps sounded from the hall before Addie tore into the room, dark hair flying freely behind her.

"Mummy!" Addie threw her arms around Marlene's knees, almost toppling them both to the floor. "We go home now?"

"Yes, it's time to go home for dinner. Where is your Grandmother?"

After their lunch in Diagon Alley, Walburga and Marlene had worked out a monthly visitation schedule so that Addie could get to know her grandmother. The visits quickly became bi-weekly when it became clear that Addie absolutely adored Walburga, much to the mystification of all parties involved.

"I'm here," Walburga announced from the doorway, surveying Marlene from down the length of her nose.

Marlene dropped into a small curtsey on reflex. She hated the ridiculous show of formality, but etiquette dictated it. And Walburga loved her etiquette.

"I'm so glad you could make it on time," the Black matron said with acid politeness, giving a  _very_ small curtsey of her own. Marlene had to resist the urge to roll her eyes; she'd been five minutes late last time, and it didn't look like she'd be living it down any time soon. "Adara Michelle, that is not how we greet our mothers."

Addie's gray eyes widened under her grandmother's stare, quickly realize that she'd forgotten her manners. Again. She stepped back and made to grab awkwardly at the sides of her dress before Marlene laid a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"Addie, sweetheart, manners are very important to you grandmother, but I don't care so much. As long as you greet her properly, you don't have to worry about me." She smiled, running a hand over her daughter's thick waves that had come free of their braid. She'd have to start charming them into place.

"Yes, Mummy," Addie replied sweetly before batting her eyes in Walburga's direction. Sometimes Marlene worried that she had a budding Slytherin on her hands.

Walburga sent Addie to collect her "things"—whatever that meant because she certainly didn't bring anything with her from the cottage that morning—while the two women seated themselves on the dark blue velvet sofas to wait. Marlene found her eyes pricking as she looked around the room. The parlor was plenty familiar to her now, but the memories of the person who had given her her reason for being there felt especially fresh. She noticed Walburga looking at her with a critical expression, no doubt making note of her mood and preoccupation. It was not a good feeling.

"So did the two of you have a nice time?" she asked, trying to dispel the tension. They had gone to an afternoon performance of the Wizarding ballet; Marlene thought that Addie would be bored, but Walburga thought it was an important cultural experience.

"Yes, thank you. The ballet was lovely," Walburga answered, looking impossibly restrained with her stiff back and high-collared robes. The emerald brooch at her throat glittered slightly in the light form the gas lamps.

"And did my daughter enjoy herself?" Marlene probed. Talking with Walburga was exhausting. She never knew how to act around the other woman, and she detested feeling like she had to pick up the mantle of all the pureblood customs that she had long ago cast off.

"I believe that Adara enjoyed herself more than either of us expected." Walburga tilted her head upwards to indicate the sound of Addie's feet pattering lightly down the hallway above them. "You shall see what I mean in a moment."

Marlene raised an eyebrow at the statement but waited patiently as Addie came down the stairs and back into the parlor. The three-year-old had reappeared dressed in a leotard, tights, slippers, and tutu—all in the softest shade of pink. Her clothing from earlier was balled up and promptly tossed carelessly onto an armchair.

"Look Mummy! I'm going to be a ballerina!" She twirled in a clumsy circle with her arms over her head. "Look how pretty I am."

"You look beautiful, sweetheart," Marlene assured her daughter before turning to Walburga with pursed lips.

The Black woman sighed delicately. "Well, of course that's a ridiculous ambition for a daughter of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, and I  _told her_ as much." She paused to shoot a stern look at Addie, who chewed on her lip and looked reasonably repentant. "But she was very insistent, so I took the liberty of purchasing her a bit of dancewear. It wouldn't hurt to put her in a ballet class—in fact it might be good for her."

"Good for her how?" Marlene asked suspiciously.

Walburga sniffed. "I thought it might teach her some discipline."

This time, Marlene did not resist the urge to roll her eyes.

"Do you really want to start ballet classes, Addie?"

"Yes yes yes! Please, Mummy, please!"

"Adara, Blacks do not beg," Walburga chimed in.

"Sorry Granmum. Mummy, may I please take ballet classes?"

Marlene wasn't sure how she felt about Walburga trying to teach her daughter to behave so properly, but it was certainly nice when she asked for things so politely.

"You certainly may. I'll look for a studio tomorrow."

Addie threw herself at Marlene, wrapping her little arms around her mother's neck. Marlene returned the embrace for a moment before directing her to say goodbye to her grandmother.

As she collected and folded the outfit that Addie wore to the ballet, she watched her daughter and Walburga out of the corner of her eye.

"Granmum?" Addie asked, rocking back and forth on her slippered feet. "Do you think I could be a ballerina if I really really wanted to?"

"You're a daughter of the House of Black. You will never need to  _dance_ or work at all to support yourself." Walburga looked down at the little girl before her, her gaze stern.

"I know." Addie sighed and ducked her head. "But do you think I  _could?"_

"Adara Michelle Black." Walburga used one of her manicured fingers to lift Addie's chin. "With enough ambition, you can be anything."

Addie smiled so widely that her nose scrunched up until the freckles on its bridge touched. Marlene felt traitorous—to whom, she did not want to think—for finding the scene so touching. With a little shake of her head, she herded Addie into the fireplace and watched carefully as she flooed home first.

"Miss McKinnon." Walburga's hand on her elbow stopped her.

"Walburga, you know I've told you to call me Marlene."

"Marlene." Walburga paused, pursing her lips for a moment and shifting down to grip Marlene's hand instead. "I know that it is a difficult day. You are not alone in that feeling."

She had to force herself to keep from letting her jaw drop. Had Walburga really just recognized Sirius' birthday and implied that it was difficult for them both? She didn't know whether to be disgusted or not.

She nodded stiffly and stepped into the floo-her last glimpse of Walburga's stony expression before she disappeared.

_December 24, 1983_

"Marlene, I really am glad the two of you came."

A hand closed over Marlene's forearm as she washed the dinner dishes by hand. She looked up into Andromeda's soft gaze. With seven years between them, Marlene and Andromeda had never know each other particularly well, aside from moving their families moving in similar social circles when Marlene was still very young. After Andromeda was disowned for marrying a muggleborn, they'd seen each other a few times, but the Tonks never joined the Order, and war didn't leave much time for social calls.

Marlene had been understandably surprised when she received Andromeda's invitation to join her family for dinner on Christmas Eve. She almost hadn't accepted, but if she were allowing for Addie to become acquainted with her Black relatives, she'd be remiss in excluding the ones who didn't hold political ideals that made her stomach turn. More accurately, Andromeda hadn't given her much of a choice—tracking her down the muggle way, practically ambushing her at work and demanding that she come for a visit. Even disowned, Andromeda was a Black and expected to get her way.

"Thank you for—uh—for inviting us." Marlene tried to be polite, but she stumbled over her words. She'd been nervous all evening, finding herself unable to enjoy Andromeda and Ted's hospitality. And it had been wonderful hospitality—the Tonks' home was modest, but comfortable and every inch of it was unmistakably wrought with love and sacrifice.

Andromeda took the dish from her hands and sent it flying to its place on the shelf with a flick of her wand. "I'm not a fool. I know you didn't want to come, but I know that you did anyway because of your little girl." She nodded her head in the direction of the living room where a ten-year-old Nymphadora was attempting to teach a three-year-old Addie to play exploding snap while Ted stood watchfully by.

"I didn't  _not_ want to come," Marlene protested, unable to express the true reason for her wariness. "I just wasn't sure—"

"Wasn't sure why we'd want to be in the same room with you, let alone have you at our table?" Andromeda's eyes grew sharp, making her look far too much like her older sister for Marlene's comfort.

Marlene flushed. That was exactly what she wasn't sure of.

"I don't see  _him_ when I look at you, just like I don't see all those people he killed when I look at Adara." Andromeda took a step back, turning her head away slightly. A muscle jumped in her jaw, and she braced one hand against the tiled countertop. "The people we love, the people we come from…their actions don't define us. They  _can't."_

Marlene stayed silent. Of course she knew, logically, that Sirius' actions didn't say anything about her character, but it didn't always feel that way. Her engagement ring rested against her breastbone, hidden beneath her shirt, and its chain around her neck felt like a yoke. The love she still held for him was traitorous, and she deserved to wear it like a brand so that everyone could see what a monster she was.

There were some mornings where she woke and felt it deep in her bones that Sirius could not be guilty of those crimes—that because she hadn't been around to see him betray everything they'd fought for, there was no way it could have happened. But then she remembered Lily and James' cottage with the roof blown off and the windows shattered. Just because she was unaware at the time, didn't mean it didn't happen. Just because she never saw the proof didn't mean that Sirius wasn't…wasn't what he was.

But she couldn't help but wonder. If she  _had_ been there, would she have  _seen_ before he could hurt anyone? If she had been there, not hidden away in blissful ignorance, none if it might have even happened.

But she hadn't been there, and it still happened, and everyone she'd loved was dead or gone. Marlene felt like she was a lone runner standing on the finish line of a race she'd never wanted to win.

"At least it's over." Her voice slipped out as a whisper, as she stared at her reflection in the darkened kitchen window. Her hair was a pale curtain, hanging limply around her face. Her eyes—how long had they looked like that? She was a ghost.

" _Over?"_ Andromeda's voice was harsh, thick with emotion. "Nothing's over. The Dark Lord may be gone, but not forever. And even if he is, too many of his supporters remain, and too many of his ideals live on."

Marlene didn't want to hear that. The war had taken so much—she looked at Addie, giggling and smiling with her cousin—and she only had one thing left to give.  _Not that._ "But the war—"

"Never ended. That was only the first act."

_December 25, 1983_

Marlene had once thought about perpetuating the muggle myth of Saint Nicholas to ensure Addie's good behavior leading up to the winter holidays. As it had turned out, the only thing needed to get her headstrong daughter to behave was a stern lecture from Walburga Black on the comportment expected of a daughter of the House of Black. Oddly enough, Addie seemed to take her duty to appropriately represent her family very seriously. As a result, the little girl never let anyone catch her putting so much as a toe out of line. Marlene felt a certain amount of pride that her daughter conducted herself so well, even at barely over three years old. She'd had to keep the smug smile from her face over the past few weeks, as she watched Delia Dabney frequently threatening her own rambunctious children that they would not receive any presents if they didn't behave themselves.

Although, without any mythical man in a red suit to use as an excuse for overindulgence, Marlene had to forcefully restrain herself from absolutely  _showering_ Addie in gifts. She didn't want her daughter to grow up spoiled, but she also felt guilty that she had so few family members to bestow presents upon her little girl. But when she saw Addie's face absolutely light up at the small pile of gifts under their modest tree on Christmas morning, she concluded that she was worrying for too much.

From "Aunt Emmeline", Marlene and Addie had received a new set of scales and a porcelain doll, respectively. From Andromeda a very sincere letter that had left Marlene unable to speak for several minutes and a toy broom for Addie, much to her mother's horror. Walburga sent child's bracelet for Addie from the Black family vaults—a silver circlet studded with three emeralds (disgustingly Slytherin, in Marlene's opinion)—and nothing for Marlene herself, unsurprisingly.

The real surprise had been a rectangular package wrapped in pretty silver paper with a pink bow and addressed to "Miss Adara Michelle Black." It turned out to be a very fancy set of dress robes. They were made of a shimmery, but inexpensive lilac fabric with silver embroidery and studded with faux jewels. They were dress-up robes, meant for pretend play, and Addie promptly discarded her nightgown in their favor and demanded to be called "Princess Adara Michelle" for the rest of the day. In the bottom of the box, beneath the robes, was a card that Marlene almost didn't believe could be real.

It simply read:

_For Miss Black, on Christmas, from Narcissa Malfoy._

Marlene informed Addie that the robes were a present from her Aunt Narcissa, whom she had not met, but wished her a very merry Christmas. Addie was so taken with the robes that she declared Narcissa to be her favorite aunt. It was unsettling, to say the least.

After the morning's festivities, it which mother and daughter opened their presents in their pajamas and dressing gowns, Marlene set about writing her thank-you letters, as she had been trained. She rose from the dining table an hour later, armed with several envelopes, and made her way into the living room to try and cajole Midge to go and deliver them all. She found Addie seated on the floor in front of the crackling fireplace and coloring away with her new set of crayons.

"What are you drawing, sweetheart?" Marlene asked over her shoulder as she tied the bundle of letters to one of Midge's legs and sent the owl out the window. She then seated herself on the carpet and leaned her back against the armchair.

Addie did not look up from the paper she was working on—bearing a green blob that looked like a misshapen version of their Christmas tree—and only slid a small pile of completed drawings across the carpet towards her mother. "Pictures."

Marlene rolled her eyes at her daughter's smart-mouth response; not even Walburga had been able to temper that much.

She picked up the sheaf of papers and flipped through them one by one. First, there was a drawing of Holly's Watch, with its white walls, blue shutters, and front garden in full bloom. Addie had clearly rendered their home with a great deal of affection. Next was a clumsy image of a ballerina with an enormous pink tutu and a round bun on the very top of her head. The dark hair and gray eyes identified the dancer as Addie herself; Marlene smiled at the thought of her daughter, a witch of two prominent families with considerable means aspiring to be in the ballet. Then there was one of Tantomile, Midge, and Puppy (the stuffed animal) all in a line. Finally, there was a picture of them, Addie and Marlene, hand in hand.

"These are very good, Addie," Marlene told her daughter sincerely. "Do you want to hang them up when you're finished?"

Addie shook her head and sat up, looking at Marlene with bright eyes. "Nuh-uh. They're a present."

"A present for whom?"

"For my Daddy."

Marlene felt the blood drain from her face. She couldn't say a word. She had forgotten how.

"I heared you tell Auntie Delia my Daddy's in prison because he did sumpthin bad, and you put me in time-out when I'm bad to think 'bout why I should be sorry, but prison lasts longer than time-out, so I drew my Daddy some pictures so he wouldn't miss what we did when he was thinking 'bout why he's sorry for bein' bad." Addie smiled, her grin enormous on her tiny face, and panted slightly, out of breath from her thorough explanation.

"That's…very t-thoughtful of you, sweetheart." Marlene's voice was brittle, and she wasn't sure what her face was doing, but Addie didn't seem to notice anything amiss.

"Can Midge take my Daddy the pictures? They're his Christmas present."

Marlene felt her chest constrict, air unable to reach her lungs. She wasn't ready…she didn't want to explain…and if Addie started asking questions…it was too soon.

"Of course. It's a wonderful present," she gasped out.

Addie spared her shocked mother a single, concerned glance before turning back to her drawing, humming tunelessly as she added a star to the top of the tree.

.

That evening, Marlene and Addie joined the Dabney family—including Edith, who could give Walburga a run for her money on any day—for Christmas dinner. Mr. Kirby and his son, Trace, a handsome man that turned out to be the childhood best friend of Kent, Delia's husband, joined them. The food was wonderful, the children were adorable, and Marlene smiled and passably enjoyed herself.

Then she came home, tucked Addie into bed, and put the drawings into the most innocuous container she could find—a breakfast cereal box. She put the box on the top shelf in her closet and resolved to forget all about it. What else could she do?

_December 26, 1983_

For the first time in over four years, Marlene McKinnon walked through the doors of Hogwarts Castle. The click of her heels on the flagstones was enough to bring on a staggering wave of nostalgia.

She was quite sure this was a bad idea.

She hadn't recovered from another Christmas without her family, from her conversation with Andromeda, from Addie's drawings. The last thing she wanted to be doing was wandering the halls of Hogwarts; it felt like her memories were pouring from the cracks between the stones. She just wished her ghosts would leave her well enough alone, if only for a day.

But Professor McGonagall had invited her for tea, she had foolishly accepted, and now it was too late to back out. Not to mention that she promised Addie she'd show her the enchanted ceiling in the Great Hall. She had a feeling the former would be easier to get out of than the latter, anyway.

"Mummy?"

Marlene looked down to where Addie was tugging on her hand. Her daughter looked like a proper wizarding child in her dark green wool cloak (a present from Walburga) and her little dragon skin boots. Marlene looked like a muggle, as she was often wont to do these days, in her thick coat and denims.

"Yes, sweetheart?" she answered, already knowing exactly what her daughter was going to ask.

"Can we go see the ceiling now?"

Marlene sighed. "Addie, didn't I tell you that we were going to have tea first?"

"But—"

"No buts. Tea first, ceiling after."

"Yes, Mummy," Addie grumbled, jutting out her full lower lip.

Addie pouted for a few more seconds, but her attention was quickly diverted elsewhere when they passed a portrait of a pair of wood nymphs that cooed sweetly down at her. Addie announced that the portraits at Hogwarts were much nicer than the ones at "Granmum's" and that perhaps Grimmauld Place could use a redecoration. Marlene snorted at that and assured the three-year-old that she was not wrong.

When they reached McGonagall's office, the Professor welcomed them in with a warm smile that still managed to look somewhat stern. She'd had a small tea service prepared for Marlene's visit, and while conversation was somewhat stilted (how Marlene had expected tea with Minerva McGonagall to be relaxing, she'd never know) the hour passed pleasantly enough. Addie entertained herself with Puppy and her new doll while Marlene filled Professor McGonagall in on her quiet life in Lynmouth.

Though Marlene had to admit it was at least a bit enjoyable to catch up with her old professor, the true reason that she had been called for a visit to Hogwarts became abundantly clear when she was making ready to depart.

"Oh, Marlene, Albus has asked if you would pay him a visit in his office before you take your leave," McGonagall said in a voice that brooked no room for argument.

"But I promised Addie that I would show her the ceiling in the Great Hall," Marlene protested feebly. It wasn't that she didn't want to see Dumbledore. She just didn't feel like sitting on the other side of his stately desk and feeling like she'd gotten in trouble for helping the Marauders with a prank again.

"Then I shall take her." The professor waved her hand as if to indicate that it was an obvious solution.

Marlene opened and closed her mouth before kneeling down in front of Addie. "Would it be alright if Professor McGonagall showed you the ceiling?"

"Uh-huh," Addie replied, looking up shyly at the stern professor.

Well it seemed she had no choice. Feeling like a misbehaving student, she made her way to Dumbledore's office. He seemed to know when she arrived, because the spiral staircase opened for her, beckoning her in.

Not two minutes later, Marlene found herself seated across from Dumbledore at his desk, looking somewhat stubbornly out his window at the fresh snowfall while the headmaster peered at her over the tops of his spectacles.

Deciding she was being childish, Marlene turned to face the man and asked politely, "Did you have a nice Christmas, Professor?"

"Pleasant enough, thank you. And you, my dear?"

Marlene cast her eyes about his office, admiring the various instruments, the moving portraits, and Fawkes on his perch. It was just so magical. She felt a twinge of nostalgia deep in her gut. "Lovely. It was very quiet."

Dumbledore leaned forward in his chair to rest his elbows on the desk and steeple his fingers. "Quiet—yes, that's why I asked you to join me here today."

She blinked, but kept her mouth shut.

He continued, "I worry that you've become isolated."

Marlene bristled. "I have Addie."

"A three year old is not a companion."

She counted to five, forcing down her indignant response, before responding with chilly politeness, "I'm sorry, Professor, but I'm not sure I see how my social life is any of your concern. I am no longer a student, sir."

"That does not mean I do not worry about you, Miss McKinnon." Dumbledore sighed. "You must stop punishing yourself."

"What on earth would I be punishing myself for?"

She rose from her chair and excused herself, feeling his pitying stare on her back until she shut the door.

.

Sirius thought it might be Christmas. But it might also be tomorrow. Or maybe yesterday. He wasn't sure anymore. He couldn't remember. He'd lost track months ago—or was it years now? He would fall asleep and not know for how long. He would stare at the wall and not know for how long.

But he was fairly sure—as sure as he could be based on the last time he'd been able to get the date out of a patrolling auror—that the holiday would arrive shortly, or had passed a short time ago. He reminded himself that it mattered, knowing the day. It did. It did.

He could not remember his last Christmas before. Before Lily. Before James. Before Peter. Before Azkaban. The memory was there, somewhere, and he could feel its ghost warming something inside him. But the important bits, the details, had already been buried by the dementors. Maybe he'd get them back, if he were free. Maybe they were gone.

But he could imagine  _this_ Christmas. Not spent in a cell, but in James and Lily's cottage. James would be wearing antlers, a joke he found hilarious, but wasn't anything impressive to anyone else. Lily would be in a sweater that matched her eyes, her laughter buoying them from one moment to the next. Remus would be healthy, nowhere near his full moon transformation, and he'd have brought a girl 'round who he would naturally think was much too good for him. Harry would be playing with a little girl, the two of them running around in circles, driving Lily crazy. The girl would have blonde hair and brown eyes that were always warm. And Marlene would be in his arms, beautiful and perhaps a bit sharp around the edges. They'd be laughing and drinking a bit too much. They'd be h—

Sirius buckled at the waist, palm flattening against the floor as he gasped for breath. The cold wrapped around his chest and ran down his spine, robbing his ability to even move.

Stupid.  _Stupid._

He knew better than to think about that. About things that made him happy. It only made them hungry. And when they were hungry, they  _took._

_"We pooled our resources for yours, Padfoot."_

_James and Lily's living room lit up like nightmare, fairy lights dangling from everything. Someone squeezed his hand excitedly._

_"It's outside." The same someone pulled on his hand. He swayed. He was a bit drunk. "Come on."_

Sirius shoved the heels of his hands into his eyes, fingers digging sharply into his scalp.  _No. No you can't have it. Not another one._ He could feel it slipping away, to a place he couldn't reach.

_"Am I dreaming?"_

_"No, Pads. You're awake."_

_Sleek metal. Chrome finish. His finger twitched, itching for the power._

_"It_ is  _the one you wanted, right?"_

_"We charmed it—_

_—try it out."_

_He pulled on the hand. Legs swung around, settling behind him._

_"Is this thing safe?"_

_"Safe as life!"_

_a roar beneath him_

_the ground falling away_

_a scream in his ear and arms around his middle_

_a laugh—his own_

_blonde hair whipping around and into his face—it smelled like apples—always like apples_

_freedom._

And once they had taken, then they  _gave._

_"Shame on my House!"_

_Pain running like fire up his spine._

_Green light leaving the tip of his wand. "For your parents."_

_"When will it stop hurting—_

_It never does. It never does. Never does._

_Skull and snake on a pale arm. Why would you do this?_

_door hanging off its hinges and cracked glasses on the floor_

_—she didn't make it. None of them did."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is sort of a Christmas special. I didn't plan to time it like this, but it just sort of worked out that way. Sorry that this is the most depressing chapter ever. I even made myself emotional.
> 
> Speaking of emotions, I just wanted to remind everyone that Marlene is depressed. She's suffered through some pretty horrible things, and she's grieving for almost everyone she knew before. Her way of dealing with things that are painful is to avoid anything that might remind her of them. Because of this, she's mostly avoiding the magical world, which includes not writing Remus back.
> 
> Now, a lot of people want her to get custody of Harry, or at least reach out to him. Legally, Marlene can't get custody of Harry because she has no claim on him, not to mention that Harry must remain with the Durselys because of Lily's sacrifice. As for reaching out to Harry, I won't say whether it will happen or not, but I will say that Marlene is not currently in an emotional state to find the bravery to do so.
> 
> Lastly, in case you're all worrying that I've talked you into a Blackinnon story when all you're getting is tears and memories, there is Marlene + Sirius interaction coming that happens in the present timeline. I don't have it completely nailed down, but I'll tentatively estimate for about three chapters from now, maybe less.
> 
> I hope everyone is enjoying the end of 2014, and for those of you that celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas!


End file.
